Friday, September 30, 2011

Raising Your Own

Watching the Child Play, 1909






Watching the Child Play, 1909
Charles Courtney...


Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb?  Yea, they may forget, but I will not forget thee.
Isaiah 49:15

Do it yourself.
In view of the strong individualistic nature of the people who once explored and settled this country, it is astonishing and sad that so many mothers are going to work and hiring babysitters to provide physical care for their children.

Remember the old saying: If you want something done right, do it yourself.  You want your child cared for in the best way, you are the answer to your own child's needs; not a baby sitter, not a nanny, not daycare.

 

Allow the family to help, if they are inclined.
Grandmothers want to help their grandchildren, and will be more likely to do so, if the mother is making an effort to stay home and live on the income provided by her husband. It has been a tradition for decades for the grandparents to contribute money to the family. This is what grandparents live for and what they want to do. It is what they have saved for and looked forward to all their lives. If a mother goes to work, the grandparents do not see a "need" as strongly and will not be as likely to give gifts, and decide to invest their money elsewhere.


 Many women today can testify to the fact that the gifts from the grandparents helped them buy clothes and pay bills over the years when the children were little.   As more mothers go to work, the older people do not have as the same incentive to help out monetarily. Families were made to work together to provide strong social units, yet many people reject this system in favor of other ways of providing for the emotional and physical needs of the children.  This does not mean you should expect, or even depend on money from grandparents. It only means that birthday gifts and other special gifts are very helpful to young parents when children are small. Some parents think that if a mother stays home, there is only "one income", but forget to count the many times family and church members have given them money, food, clothes, and gifts, which helps to stretch the income.

 Your child needs you during the most developing moments of his life.
A Mother and Her Two Children in the Garden
from Allposters.com

 You may not think that having a babysitter or using daycare is "raising" your child, but raising children is a mixture of physical care, emotional care and spiritual care. Materialism today insists that as long as you are "providing" for your child by giving him food and a roof over his head, that you are "raising" him. Your child is more than just a physical human being with bodily needs. There is an emotional part of a child that is even more important than clothing or a nice house. Often, parents are more concerned about physical neglect than they are about spiritual neglect. Children who grow up with nice things but without a mother  during the most crucial part of their lives, can lack important elements that help them to distinguish between wisdom and foolishness, right and wrong, understanding and dull- heartedness. There is a big difference in the mental capacity of those adults who have had a strong family upbringing, and those who were farmed out to daycare, schools, and in general, raised by institutions. Emotionally and spiritually, the family-raised children tend to be more mature and more able to grasp important concepts of life.


God created children and their mothers to bond.  Look at the creation around you: even the animals keep their families to themselves and do not find other animals to stay with their young. This was illustrated many years ago in a poem about evolution:


The Monkeys Disgrace



Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree

Discussing things as they're said to be.

Said one to another, "Now listen, you two,

There's a certain rumor that cannot be true,

That man descends from our noble race -

The very idea is a disgrace.

No monkey ever deserted his wife,

Starved her babies and ruined her life;

And you've never known a mother monk

To leave her babies with others to bunk,

Or pass them on from one to another

Til they scarcely know who is their mother.

And another thing you'll never see -

A monk build a fence around a coconut tree

And let the coconuts go to waste,

Forbidding all other monks to taste.

Why, if I put a fence around this tree,

Starvation would force you to steal from me.

Here's another thing a monk won't do -

Go out at night and get on a stew,

Or use a gun or club or knife

To take some other monkey's life;

Yes, Man Descended - That ornery cuss -

But, brother, he didn't descend from us!"

- anonymous


Mother and Son



Be a Full Time Mother until your child is grown.
To turn your child over to someone else while you pursue money or personal fulfillment, is to ignore the example of Mary and Martha, in the Bible. Jesus said that Mary, who was listening to the teachings of Christ, had chosen "the better part."   If you are bent on making money, you are worried about many things. Christians are not supposed to be worried about the things of this world, but to be more concerned with obeying the scriptures, which teach mothers to guide and guard their children (Titus 2:5). When a mother stays at home with her children, she is choosing "the better part." It fulfills other scriptures, because the children learn to obey their parents, not a host of other people all day, (teachers,  bus drivers, coaches, etc). While it is not wrong to obey other authorities, the child must first learn to obey his own parents. Many times when parents have a struggle with obedience in their children, they find that there are too many outside authorities distracting and dividing the child's focus on life.  While a child lives at home, his first allegiance should be to his parents (Deuteronomy 6, and Ephesians 6).


from allposters.com


God made mothers especially to go with their children. The children were not created to be matched up with nannies and babysitters or daycare workers.  Some mothers say, "My child will be just fine, because I have a good sitter. She will get good food during the day and have her diapers changed. My sitter knows how to keep my daughter safe. I pump my breast milk in the morning and then she has the best nutrition from her bottle while I am away." 


This  attitude shows a lack of awareness of the human soul, and the spirit of a child. Let me explain further. When a child feeds at the breast of his mother, he is doing more than just getting nourishment. There is more to it than just filling his tummy with the best milk ever created. There are other things that happen. It produces a sense of security and well-being.  It promotes healthy sleep, heals pain, and strengthens the immune system.

You have heard of the current popular phrase, "separation anxiety"---well, that should never be, because the motehr and child were not designed to be separated. It is normal to feel anxious when mother is not around, and wise mothers will not leave their children  while they pursue other things. Childhood is so fleeting. You will one day turn around and wonder how your children grew up so fast, and how it all happened in such a hurry. Savor those years and be content at home with your children and you will not regret it.

Playing With Baby
from allposters.com



The emphasis on physical care can often diminish emotional care.
It is true that changing diapers, feeding a baby, bathing them, dressing them,  playing with them, and even holding them, can be done by anyone. However, in the natural form of things, a baby is designed to bond with the mother, while these things take place. Even an adopted child, when treated as though he were a natural born child, responds favorably to this bonding.


 While a child is being fed, he looks into his mother's eyes. While he is diapered, he looks up into his mother's eyes. When he is being dressed, he looks at his mother's hands and arms. When a mother holds her baby, the baby is aware of the special scent of his mother.  When playing or holding the baby, he knows how his mother's lap feels. He instinctively knows the difference between his mother's voice and that of a babysitter.

 
A Child's Moments are not Replaceable.
So what is wrong with getting a babysitter while you go back to work? There are a number of things that both the mother and the child lose, when this happens, but first, it is necessary to understand that no place of employment is more important than the care of your own child. The work you do is replaceable. You can train someone else to do your job, and then stay home with your child.

When you leave your child, you miss a lot of his life: his first work, his first tooth, his first step. It might not seem like much, but all this was intended by God to give happiness to the mother. When she misses out on this, she misses out on a certain part of her own personal maturity and development.
Worry is at the base of it. If a mother has a husband who has a job, she should learn to live on his income and not worry about bringing in more, herself. Her job now is to care for her children full time. One day that time of her life will be gone, and she will wonder how it went so fast. While the children are home, mothers need to be home, too.

  Many women worry that they will  not be able to return to their place of employment if they are away too long, but the moments of a child's life are never, ever retrievable.  While you may go back and pick up where you left off at work, doing the same job you always did, a baby grows and changes, and you need to grow and change along with your child.

Places of work and industries change over time. What might have been a promising career may be on the way out, as things change, or jobs are eliminated due to mechanization or lack of money.  It is foolish to depend on a job being there for the rest of your life, or to think that a company will look after you financially all of  your life. Some companies go broke before they can even repay the retirement funds that the employees have paid into it. Mothers need to focus on the emotional and spiritual investment they can make in their children, instead of worrying about retirement, benefits, and insurance.

 '"Fear of man brings a snare," the Bible says," but he who trusts in the Lord will always be safe."  Sometimes a mother will take on a job and explain that it is "just for the insurance."  This is not necessary at all, when insurance is available for the smallest income families, and if they shop around, they can find something affordable. To go to work "for insurance" is to give your days and your life to a place of business while you give your children over to someone else who is in the child care business.

 Children belong at home with their mothers. In the book of Proverbs are many verses which instruct parents to teach and train their children, and to instill wisdom and understanding and knowledge. Babysitters cannot do it. Nannies cannot do it, and daycare cannot do it. A baby may not be able to understand some of the deeper aspects of something like wisdom, but by staying home with him, he develops the wisdom of his mother: my mother loves me and is my full time caregiver.  When you turn him over to someone else, his wisdom is developed in a different way: a babysitter is the way we look after children. From a very tender age, a child develops his values from those he is around the most. Who will your child copy, emulate, immitate, look at, and obey?


 One danger of having babysitters, nannies and daycare when children are small, is that it makes it easier to turn them over to the State for the remainder of their youth, to be indoctrinated in the government schools. Through daily separations, mother and child become more detached from one another and in the end there are two people related to one another without a real relationship.

Feminist indoctrination from youth can make a young mother feel that she must go to work and put her child in the care of a babysitter. She has seen her mother and grandmother do it, all her friends do it, and it looks like a normal course of life to her.

In some cases, women who have worked for many years and waited quite awhile after they married in order to get financially ready to have children, will only stay home after their baby is born for a few months, and then go back to work. These women have already worked, and "served their time" in the work place outside the home, having taxes extracted by government and state to support all the welfare programs and free things the state provides.


 Why do they want to leave the child they have waited so long for?  In some cases, it is a life of indoctrination, or belief, that causes them to go to work in the office and leave their child with a sitter: They may have mothers who were feminists and pride themselves on their degrees, which cost them a lot of money, time, and effort,  which they believe they must put to use at all times. They raised their own daughters to get such a high education that they think they too should keep plodding away at work, while someone else stays home and enjoys the changes and the growth of their child. 


Young mothers may also be steeped in feminism, which robs them of their natural instinct to be with their own children during the most teachable and impressionable moments of the day.  Growing up in schools and colleges, they learn to be workers outside of the home, instead of workers at home, like the Bible says, and  they outsource their own children to other workers outside of their homes.


 They may also feel compelled to leave their daughter or son with someone else so they can retrieve the job they had, and keep it until retirement. They worry about benefits and insurance, more than they worry about the love they share with their children. Women's studies classes in major universities promote the idea of working rather than staying home just to nurture and teach their own children until they grow up.  Surrounded by feminist mothers and grandmothers, other career women, and their friends from college,  particularly the women's studies classmates, who believe that children are best developed in daycare and schools, mothers have a lot of pressure as well as "support" to follow this path.


The love of money, the Bible says, is the root of all kinds of evil. This is another reason that mothers leave their children, but in the quest for money to pay their rent or house payment, they lose something very precious: the natural closeness they would have with their children. They do not know how much they will need this in later years. They tend to think their children are just like other children and we are all one big family.  However, each child was made to mentally and spiritually and physically bond with their own mother, not with a sitter or a nanny.  No sitter can ever love your child the way that child is supposed to be loved.  No one can provide the kind of bonding that God created just for a mother and her child. Christian women should not be like Martha, worrying about the physical things of life more than about the spiritual things. When they become more concerned about insurance, benefits and retirement, than they are about every growing moment of their child's life, they are not choosing the "better part."



I pray that all mothers that are leaving their children today will turn around and go home. If you will do what God says to do, you'll be provided for.Many women have done this, and found out that the sky did not fall, and they did not lose everything or end up living in a cardboard box. It is an opportunity to test your faith.

There are many women who cannot have children and long for them, desperately. They see young mothers taking their child-bearing years for granted, and leaving their children so that they can go to work. These childless women grieve at this. Some women wait a long time to have children, and would not dream of doing anything else but raising them. There is a time for everything. During your child's stay with you in your home, is the time to be home with them.

A Little Coaxing
by Bougeureau


To read more about the other benefits of breastfeeding, go here


58 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have also seen couples adopt children, sometimes from way overseas, and then the mother goes right back to work. I don't understand this, and I wish it was a condition for adoption that the mother would agree to stay home and raise the child.

LadyLydia said...

It USED to be a condition for adoption that the mother stay home. It stopped after the single women began to adopt. There was also a rule that single women could not adopt. Feminists pushed for this and created their own adoption agencies through the state, where they could make their own rules. There was a documentary done on one of the girls that was adopted called "Daughter of Danang" in which she tells how her feminist, single mother rejected her, when she chose to marry and have children. This was the time when the feminists were adopting children, and having no husbands, they of course had to be father and mother to the child and go to work. Even private religious adoption agencies are constantly pressured by the state to change their rules to include working women and single women. It is a tragedy. The orphan is better off in the orphanage with a family life, than with a mother working.

Raine said...

I agree with most of what you say here, which is why I stepped down from my job before my child was born.

I would like to know more about the affordable insurance you mentioned though, as this is a big issue for my family right now. My husband's employer just told him that they will not be able to cover health insurance any longer, so this cost for our family will be increasing about $200 a week, to the point where it will now cost almost 1/2 his salary. We've checked with other companies but they are just as expensive or else they deny coverage due to pre-existing health issues.

Anonymous said...

I really do not know when there is a time in your children's life to go to work outside the home. Even older children need guidance and children about to enter marriage also need our time. Then what of the newly married family? Mentoring is welcomed then too..young parents? Who would want to be working when a new baby might visit! :) Also now with the children only visiting and not living at home any more there is more time to do things you and your husband may now want to be able to do. That includes of course, visiting the children ! Staying home was such a blessing for all of us. I pray many young women will see this and the other good posts about motherhood and homemaking you write and take it to heart. They will be so glad they did. Sarah

Anonymous said...

Do a web search for different insurance plans. Here are a few:

http://www.medhealthinsurance.com/low-income-insurance.htm

http://www.ehealthinsurance.com/low-cost-health-insurance

http://www.hrsa.gov/gethealthcare/

http://www.commonwealthfund.org/usr_doc/Summer_statesubsidized.pdf

Our family has opted out of insurance programs, preferring to put our money into real health care by buying natural foods, and learning about natural medicine.

Most hospitals have a free clinic for emergencies where they treat people that do not have insurance, or where they allow you to pay what you can or when you can.

LadyLydia said...

Sarah, I agree with you. Women are needed at home. With so many women in church having careers now, the burden of serving falls to the young women who have small children. Thet juggle their homelife with trying to provide food for funerals or other things that the church is needed for. Older women should stay home and live the Titus 2 role by being an example of homemaking and helping them with their marriages and in child training and other things.

LadyLydia said...

Thank you for the insurance links. In every state, there should be some good alternative programs. It is better to get your own insurance than to depend entirely on a company or a work place.

Nothing is worth leaving yoru children for.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this post. I needed to hear it all again. Even though I've been home full time for almost 5 years now, I still get a lot of pressure from various sources to go back to work.

I am one of those women who went to work because it was what I was taught to do. I waited to have children "until".....and then when we tried it was too late. Through your website and a scarce few books and other resources, I learned of the Biblical directives for a woman's life, and began praying for a way to change my life. I didn't see how it could possibly happen.....we were strapped with large student loan payments to pay for my nursing education and other "reasons". But God is able! At 41 he dropped a beautiful baby girl into our lives through the miracle of adoption(I was present at her birth)and granted my petition to be a mother at last.

I did not want to go back to work but my husband insisted. I cried every day for two weeks, and then off and on for many more weeks. Yes she was 'adequately' cared for in two homes until she turned 2, then my caregivers retired and I was forced to put her into a daycare center provided by my place of employment. While there her collar-bone was broken and no one could tell me what happened. They "conveniently" changed their entire camera system the next day and it took a month for them to provide the video of her activity from the day she was injured, and by then the video had been tampered with and the entire day shortened to 20 minutes, which of course showed nothing.

After that I prayed even harder to be allowed to go home and be with her, and a few months later my father became ill and I needed to travel for extended periods of time to another state to care for him and I just quit. Employers don't like to employ people who need to take care of their families, they even resent you staying home with your child when she is ill!

Quitting was scary, but we have no regrets. God has provided our needs through a variety of ways and continues to do so. My husband quit his job last year so we can move to that other state and care for my parents, live in the country and homeschool our daughter. We hope to find a way to work together as a family to earn our living, rather than have him go away to a job again. We cashed in our retirement way early, paid the penalty, paid off the student loan, and are waiting for our house to sell whereupon we will be debt free. We used part of the remaining money from our retirement funds to purchase a used 5th wheel for $3000, and we purchased solar panels and wind generators so that we will be able to live off-grid when we make our final transition to the farm. We plan to add on a 20x14 foot room to the side of the 5th wheel and place a wood stove in it for heat (we have friends who did this successfully) In time we plan to build a small cabin, as we can pay cash for it, 16x24 will meet our needs very nicely.

We are learning that we need very little to be happy and content. In fact, too much stuff is a major cause of headache, worry, extra work and expense!!!

(continued)

Anonymous said...

(cont from above)

We have no insurance at present. My husband is diabetic type 2. We have found that not having insurance motivates us to make better choices! His diabetes is almost reversed using daily rigorous exercise and a vegan diet of legumes, dark leafy greens, vegetables and fruit. We hope to get him off his depression meds soon by utilizing the Depression Recovery program by Dr. Neil Nedley. We too are learning simple home remedies, the power of proper nutrition and exercise.

Our daughter is beginning to thrive. We have had numerous challenges with changing behaviors that came home with her from daycare, but with constant watch care, her character is changing and she is becoming a lovely young lady who loves Jesus and is learning how to go to Him for help to change.

Had I known then what I know now, I would have quit work the day she was born. Our God does honor obedience to His word, and His promises are sure!

I share these things in hopes that they will encourage anyone who reads here and wants desperately to be home...I was that reader not so long ago, and grateful for the encouragement I found here!

Thanks again for all the encouragement you provide!

LadyLydia said...

It is very encouraging to read your story. I agree with you about the way to live: it is better to live in a humble dwelling, as long as you have your child with you. You could be away from her all day and have a nice house but your child is a human being who needs her mother more than she needs material things. Children will treasure the time they spent with their mothers more than the things she bought for them. In this country, there is no need for mothers to leave their children. Even welfare mothers stay with their children. If they do so on a welfare income, it shows it is possible to stay with your children.

Amy Jo said...

What a wonderful article and a blessed reminder of why we as christian wives and mothers do what we do.

Blessings to you

Ginger said...

I am so glad I stayed home with my children and learned to live happily on whatever budget my husband provided. I loved homeschooling, teaching them to sew and quilt and wash and garden and pray and read and love God and love learning and cook and clean.

We too have opted out of insurance. Instead I took a course in herbalism and nutrition at the School of Natural Healing. Generally, if you use the right herbs, eat right, drink plenty of pure water, choose to be happy, exercise in fresh air and sunshine, strive to adopt the character traits of Jesus, and forgive others their trespasses, bodily sickness will heal without Medical intervention. Yes, even heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and other incurable diseases do better with these harmless 'treatments' than all the poisoning, burning, and cutting that the medical profession has to offer. This is not my opinion but is now backed up scientifically in many studies including the China Study. Funny that some won't accept God's instruction given hundreds of years ago through Daniel but instead rely on the arm of flesh. So save those insurance premiums and plant a garden with your little children.

Far Above Rubies said...

Lady Lydia, thank you again for this encouraging post. It does me well to read it.

I always enjoying coming here. I anticipate each new article with great joy knowing God is speaking to me.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous at 12:59 - thank you for sharing. I am so glad you have made the financial sacrifices needed to bring your daughter home and that you are seeing positive changes in her.

I have given this link before -
http://www.daycaresdontcare.org/

Shelley said...

I agree....I wish all women did...blessings

Alexandra said...

I'm looking into Christian medical cost sharing, Christian Healthcare Ministries. The "premiums" are less expensive than employer plans, but we are still researching it as an alternative.

I've never regretted staying home with my children. In fact, it feels much more normal(natural) than working outside the home.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lady Lydia!

I stop by often and always enjoy your posts; just don't leave very many comments!

I shook my head over the part where you said grandparents are more likely to help out if the wife is staying home. That is certainly NOT the case in my life. My own mother (who was always concerned over our welfare and generous with important things like helping buy a new stove, etc. when we really needed it) died in 2000. My in-laws have always been a touch, shall we say, "snooty" over our choices of me staying home and homeschooling, etc. It's a "tough world" and it's "hard to make a living" are some of their attitudes and women who stay home are not helping in the family (because they are not contributing financially). My mother-in-law will drive six hours to babysit her other grandchildren for a few nights because their parents are very busy with "important" careers. They live just across town from us but never offer to take the children for any special time; no simple treats, no "movie night." As a matter-of-fact, my children have always somewhat annoyed their grandparents because they like to visit and interact and not be shuffled off to play in the other room; the grandparents want to visit away with the grown-ups with no interruptions. Two summers ago, my 10-year-old (at the time) son took a GREAT deal of initiative and decided to start a lawn-mowing business (those are REALLY tough businesses to start, I found - since no one can rely on the neighborhood boys to mow their lawns they either get a riding lawn mower or they hire professional landscape people! I was amazed: not ONE lawn was mowed because no one was interested! and he was such an articulate and CUTE salesman!) So after a discouraging day of nothing but "no thank yous," we try the grandparents. We don't like to be presumptuous upon people who might feel like they have to donate or hire, etc. (for instance, we don't ask our close neighbors to donate to the dance club our children are in because they may feel obligated to do so) - so we only ask the grandparents for the desperate last ditch effort! They turned my entrepunerial 10-year-old down! They felt that they had their lawn care covered! Wouldn't even give him a chance. All these goings on are exacerbated by my mom being gone and not having any "real" family/grandparents for my children. It is so very discouraging. I know God cares very much for us, but one can feel so very alone during this time of sacrifice for the greatest good; we need people to extend the hand of caring and blessing and encouragement!

I really enjoyed your post and feel you are so very insightful and wise! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

Anonymous said...

Many of the older people are more feminist than the younger ones. You have seen the bumper sticker that says "We are spending our children's inheritance." They really are. They see mothers working and do not need to help them with money, and then they see the mothers staying home and decide not to give anything to them, either, because they aren't out working. The preachers are always talking about generation x being the young people not yet married, but I think there is a lost generation in the elderly , too, as so many of them go along with the prevailing culture. You would expect grandparents to be more conservative, and the grandmother to be kind of motherly and home focused and such, but not today.

Anonymous said...

I have a very sought after professional degree, yet my wish in life is to be a full-time stay at home mother and wife. Please keep me in your prayers, that I may one day marry a man who shares these values and wants to provide for me and our future children, so that I can be with them full time.

Anonymous said...

What I have heard on this topic is: "Why would someone do for money what you won't do for love?" I have never left my children with a sitter or in a daycare and I don't believe the love and caring that are so necessary for a child are provided. I don't care how "wonderful" the facility is, nothing can compare to a mother's love.

in His peace,
Miriam

LadyLydia said...

It is possible that mothers do not have confidence in their own unique, built-in instinct to care for and teach and influence their own children. All around them are establishments and institutions designed just for child development, so they think those institutions must know something better. There is no greater institution than the home for raising children, and this does not just mean the house. It means the parents interacting with the children.

Anonymous said...

wow, what a post! I am one of those woman who is a childless homemaker who is so sad to see her sister n law put her twin toddlers in daycare. She is so blessed and I am happy for her that she has such a beautiful boy and girl. May God open her eyes to her childrens emotional needs. I also keep praying one day God will open my womb and bless me with children.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I were non-believers when we married. Two years after marriage I made a choice to follow Christ and began to develop biblical concepts on raising children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord and home school them. I didn't want to repeat my own parent's mistakes or lack of biblical parenting on my own children.

I was met with much opposition from my non believing husband and is mother. She interfered by pushing her non-biblical/ feminist parenting ideas and advice constantly. She insisted I knew nothing about raising children even to the point of making statements to my children that they needn't obey me.

My husband would not stand up to his mother and tell her to leave us alone.
He also would not allow me to home school our children saying that they were going to get a good education in public school.

Lots of trouble followed and years went by before our children were matured enough to decide for themselves about the right way to live.
My stance did not change, I remained on my knees in prayer for my family, supported my husband even though I knew he was misinformed. I stayed close to the Lord, trusting he would work things out. It was heartbreaking to see my kids struggle.

Eventually they had their own children and are coming to ask my advice on raising them. I will not push myself or advice on them the way it was pushed on me. No matter how I feel about my children's spouses, I remain supportive of them to the children because it is important that children obey their parents.
There are resources now that I didn't have and I can share these when asked.
God is working things out in our lives because I remain in Christ and his Word.

I do agree that mothers should remain in the home and parents agree to raise the children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Much trouble can be avoided if the parents are of the same mind and agree on how to raise the children before marriage.

Anonymous said...

I still remember being put in a daycare facility when I was little. The people were nice and the daycare was clean and orderly, but so impersonal and cold. To this day I can still remember the sickening feeling of being abandoned. I needed my mother and felt unprotected.
My mother started believing the feminist lies that women had to contribute to society in order to be worth anything, as if staying home and raising a family was worthless.
Even years later I had dreams that she would get sick and die and leave me. I was terribly fearful of being left alone.

Fortunately for me my mother decided she wanted to be home with her baby. I know she probably felt pressured into her action by some of her feminist friends who were working, and doesn't every one know misery loves company.

Since I now know the love of Christ, I've never been abandoned by him, I'm secure and assured that He will never leave me or forsake me.

Anonymous said...

When whill the filthy scourge of feminism finally be consigned to the dustbin of history?!! When will feminists cease persecuting their sisters who seek to live in obedience to the Word of God, to their Saviour jesus Christ, and to live their lives as women, wives, mothers, singles or widows according to Biblical precepts and raise their children with the integrity that comes from doing so along the God given guidelines that have been provided?? When will the culture of expertism finally gasp its last breath and leave the Christ-centred family alone??!! Feminists, leave us alone, atheists, leave us alone, Christians who do not know God's word, even if they think they do, no matter how supposedly learned, leave us alone!!

Oh come the latter reign of the Holy Spirit!! Oh come the cleaving to the Lord that so many have wantonly put aside to feed their appetites, their desires, their lusts and pleasures (for that is why the 20's generation and later, the 60's generation put God aside, not because of any grand theological issues, but because they wished to live life that fed the senses, rather than living Christ-focused lives of self mastery and obedience (the root of which means to listen and actively respond to what has been heard).

Whom will you obey, sisters, feminists, atheists, secularists, or the Creator of the Universe?

Pastors and ministers of Christ, whom will you teach of? the god of cultural relativism, feminism and secularism, or the Living god who has created everything from the most beautiful galaxies in space to the most intricate workings of the tiniest microscopic life-forms? Do not let the change agents rob you of your responsibilities, preachers, but be the game changers yourselves, turning the table on that wicked system that is little more than a house of cards destined to fall.

Lydia, keep speaking the truth!

Anonymous said...

Dear Lady Lydia

Please add this post and the two recent ones on 'resting at home' and 'avoiding stress' to your list of classic posts.

I do believe that they are classics.

Home educating necessitates an at home mother or father, so one decision led to another for us.

We do not have to worry about health insurance, since we live in the UK and everyone has free healthcare. It's not perfect by any means, but it does mean one less headache when living on a reduced income!

I shall post anonymously for the sake of avoiding trouble.

Rightthinker said...

What a beautiful post this is!

What a high calling-motherhood! However, motherhood, just as fatherhood, is not defined by a biological contribution to God Almighty!

It is rare to find true biblical support for this calling in today's world. Even the most "Christian" blogs and websites all have places for "how to balance working motherhood". I'd like to contend that if you are following God's will in your life, He will care for you and your children..perhaps not the way the world says! With possessions, with trips, with things of this world..yet, I've never met a grown child of a career woman (like my husband) who has ever said, "I am so glad my mother put her career over raising me".

I did this post several years ago: http://andreamomm.blogspot.com/2006/06/moms-working-outside-home-or-raising.html

I greatly appreciate your biblical support of women whose passion is raising children for Christ! No matter what the sacrifice and cost, they choose what is right by the Lord-to fully accept His blessing of life and fully raise the child(ren) for His kingdom!

God Bless!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the inspiration. My husband is pressuring me to return to work. He uses the family finances to do this--the household allowance he gives me is intended to cover only groceries and gas and is less than than the food stamp stipend our state gives to families on welfare. He earns a six figure income, and he has made it very clear that he won't give me more because "I don't pull my weight" since I don't work outside the home.

Instead of allowing myself to feel frustrated or angry about the situation, I live creatively within this allowance. I make the money stretch by cooking most of our meals from scratch, using coupons,buying produce and meat from the clearance rack at the grocery store, and shopping at Aldi. I spend most of my days at home or within five miles of our home to keep gas costs down. There is no money allocated for clothes, makeup, or hair cuts for me in the family budget. I have grown my hair long and wear it in a chignon or french twist. expenses. I buy most of my clothes at Goodwill and accept "hand me downs" from my mother (a very stylish lady who loves to shop). I walk or ride my bike amd do calisthenics to keep in shape. I strive to be trim,neatly groomed, and nicely dressed within the limits of my household allowance.

When I feel frustrated by this situation, I remind myself that economising is a small price to pay for being home to mother my children. The children won't remember that I bought apples from the discount produce rack or bought the cheapest cuts of meat. They will remember the homemade apple pies and the tasty, healthy dinners I made with them. The kids won't care if I wore designer clothes, they will remember that I was home with them.

I keep my priorities straight and my eyes on my goal. I want to be a homemaker and I want raise our children myself. No amount of money is worth giving up this responsibility.

Anonymous said...

Very graciously, I laughed when I read the part about grandmothers wanting to help. I wished that had been the case for me. My husband's mother actually charged us to watch her own grandchildren. When we had three small children 3 years and younger, how much my husband and I wished we could have had a night or two to date, to sleep in, my goodness even to catch up on lawn work and painting the house! We never had enough money to pay her, so the children didn't see Granny unless she came to our house. Needless to say, they did not spend much time with her when they were younger. Now my children are teenagers, and when Granny calls to speak to them, they have no idea what to say, because they do not know her. My own mother moved from New York to Florida "to be closer to her grandchildren", bought a lovely home less than ten miles from us, and then only sees them three to four times a year. No, let me correct myself; she comes to pick up my daughter, but neglects my sons because "I don't know what to do with boys." (my mom only had two girls.) While I'm sad for my children, it makes me happy for my grandchildren (yet to come, since my children are still all school aged) because I learned from watching my kids' sad eyes when grandparents didn't show up for plays, music recitals, and church events. I will be the grandma who shows up for it all!

Jo

Mrs. Price said...

I completely agree. I was away at a women's retreat for the weekend. It about killed me to leave my 2 boys 8 months and 2 years. they did get much needed daddy time,but I was so excited to be with my children. I have been home since I was pregnant with my oldest and I wouln't have it any other way. Yes we have made many sacrafices for me to be home, but the blessings far out weight any struggles and self denials.

Rightthinker said...

Jo,

Ah, how I can relate! Unfortunately! My in laws are most unhelpful and very condescending for our choices. You see, my husband is "well educated" and yet chooses family (and being open to as many children as God sees fit) over financial achievement. So, she sees that as a waste of life, as well as me "breeding" children. They are Christians, yet fall into the modern view of life in our society.

Their displeasure with us was so emotionally taxing for me, I actually had a tubal ligation years ago, in part due to their lack of support and down right ugliness towards our growing family choices. Thankfully, I had a reversal and have had two more children..so she didn't win, but it was hard when I was so vulnerable and lacked confidence in God's convictions of my heart.

My parents, on the other hand, are immensely supportive! They are always involved in helping with the children when need be, or contributing to their lives. We are on the same page. However, they are not financially in a place to give support to us. Yet, that is appropriate, as I'm thankful we've done this all on our own, under God's direction. He is good all the time!

I'm thankful for the support from them, in light of how ugly it is to criticize a woman for not finishing her college eduction in favor of being a wife and mother!

God Bless ladies, and thanks for allowing me to go on about this..it's heartstrings, you know?

LadyLydia said...

Some men are feminists too, but it is no wonder, when they go to colleges where they have feminism taught to them by feminist professors who say the wife should work for money. These people know nothing about the heart and about the love that is necessary in being a homemaker.

Anonymous said...

I hear so many here that are heart sick because their children's grandparents take no interest in their own grandchildren. Extended family is a help to anyone if it is of the right nature. Is their an older couple close or at church that could fill the grandparent's place? Even a window or widower or both sets. Be careful in choosing as you want people that have your values and are good people. My parents unfortunately had to live quite a distance from us. They did all they could to stay close. Yet they too had love to give and found a family close to them and so became rather like adopted grandparents for this family. I met the couple and their children. They had no less love for us and supported us emotionally as much as they could. There are so many families that need support and so many older lonely people that could be adopted Aunts and Uncles or Grandparents if we just look around and do some good research. Give it prayer and council. Sarah

The Retro Farm Wife said...

Good morning, Mrs. Sherman!

Excellent article and very well written! What a great read!

~Angela

LadyLydia said...

I will try to remember to get those two posts put on the Theme Articles section. Thank you for suggesting it.

If you have once worked outside the home, and now have children, I hope you will think of the past working era as "been there, done that" and now tend to the task at hand: staying home with your children. It changes daily and yearly, so you cannot say you are doing the same thing. If you teach your children to help you care for the house, by doing laundry, dishes, and cleaning up, you will find that it is new to them and they like it. That way, you can do major cooking or other things perhaps that you like. There is no tedium at home, when there are little people there, as a mother can enjoy all their growth and their discoveries and delight in them. If you do the right thing by staying home, you will find that you are provided for, and that you do not need a lot of things to make you happy or to make the children happy.

Anonymous said...

I stay home, and we use traditional schools (religious), we do not homeschool. But I would also add that even if you are planning on using traditional school, do not rush into using preschools. There is a huge industry now in the preschool business, and everyone is just trying to get at your money. They lie and say that they won't be ready for school if they don't practice going to school? Makes no sense. My children did not go to Kindergarten until they were 6, and they walked right in, no separation anxiety, and are always commended by their teachers for the kindness and good temperaments.

~ Ann

Mrs. B. said...

Thank you for a challenging post. Such an encouragement.

I have found that most of the "grandparents" in our church are so feminist! I am amazed how the older generation is on one hand pushing their children and grandchildren to follow the "norm" (delay marriage, avoid marriage, delay children, etc.) and yet bemoan the time they missed with their own children, etc. I have heard grandmothers say that they would help watch the children if only the mother would go get a job and make something of themselves! So very sad.

We have lived on one income for about 17 years and once we started budgeting and got rid of the credit cards (4 years ago) we have learned greater contentment and frugality. We have never lacked our needs and our wants have greatly diminished. I wouldn't trade being home full-time for my youthful dream of becoming an astronaut or for anything else in this world.

Keep up the great writing!

Sarah R said...

Rightthinker...I joined your blog. You are an inspiration to me! I spent a good portion of my afternoon reading your posts!

Jo (actually, Sarah R, if you look at the newest person on your blogfeed. I'm wearing a yellow polka dot shirt!) :D
I use the name Jo on here because it was MY grandmother's name. I miss her tons.

Michelle said...

Great post, I feel reallys strongly about a mother staying home with her children...I also love the reference to breastfeeding, one of my favorite memories of my children's baby days...I miss it so much at times.

Michelle said...

Also, for those who are concerened about insurance costs, check into Christian medical sharing plans...they are very afforable options for those whose husbands jobs do not provide insurance. The children and I are on a private pay traditional insurance plan, but hubby was denied due to prexisiting conditions. So he is a memember of Samartian Ministries Christian Medicial Sharing plan.

Michelle said...

Lady Lydia, I wholeheartedly agree with your post. I was a single mom for a time and chose a nannying job for a family whose mother had just died so that I could not only make money, but bring my son with me and help the other children (whom I love dearly still)...but that is a special case. If the world worked the way God intended, all mothers would be able to stay home with their children. But I wanted to bring up your statement in the comment section of "The orphan is better off in the orphanage with a family life, than with a mother working." I used to wonder at the mother going to work after adoption as well but have seen actual incidences where the family does very well. To be sure, it would always be best for the adoptive mother to be at home but I just want to say that in some cases, the child is NOT better off in an orphanage. I have a passion for special needs adoption and believe me, most of the children with special needs in Eastern European orphanages are neglected, malnourished and I have seen children that die from starvation even while there is a family trying to adopt them. Children that are not 'perfect' in post communist countries are thought to be worthless and given very minimal care. In these circumstances it is better for the child to have a home with parents that love them and care for them even if the mother works. I am not a feminist and am now a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom of 4, so I'm not someone that thinks working mothers are the 'right' thing to do. Just maybe a blanket statement such as children being better off in an orphanage isn't always correct. Thank you for your post and I always enjoy your blog!

Lisa said...

I agree completely with your post, Lady Lydia. I had a different experience. First, I thought I was going to go back to work after our first child was born. We asked my mother to help us, she agreed, but very reluctantly. This was after we asked my H's mother and she outright refused. We were hurt at first...but ultimately it lead to realizing that I really needed and wanted to stay home with our children. What was funny about H's mother was that she ultimately agreed to care for her daughter's two children, while her daughter worked full time (she was married, husband worked too), because daughter PAID HER TO DO SO! Many years later, she apologized for her initial refusal, and frankly, I told her it was the best thing to have happened, because I stayed home and ultimately homeschooled our kids! It was meant to be!

LadyLydia said...

When I refered to orphanages, I was not thinking of the ones in Romania or Ukraine, where conditions are horrid. In America and Canada, orphanges called "children's homes" are usually run by churches and are so nice, with cottages containing a limited number of children, and a married couple caring for them. Their lives are so stable and even luxurious, that it is easy to see they are better off where they are.

Sarah said...

Good stuff! I wonder, though,if anyone else feels the same as I do about allowing grandparents to help monetarily outside of regular "special occasion" gifts? I feel like accepting this help semi-regularly and in even a moderate amount, would be an insult to my husband who works so hard to provide for our family. If we are to "leave and cleave", etc, wouldn't it be somewhat humiliating to need to rely on ones parents to meet the extra needs and wants?

LadyLydia said...

Sarah,

I was merely wanting young women to count the many donations that grandparents made in the way of gifts and money when the children were little, as "help" and not to think that they would be completely without any financial aid if they stayed home with their children.

I did write that it was not to say one should "depend" on it but to realize that the grandparents who want to help, do so because that is what they want to do with their money--to help their children. Some would much rather give it to their own children than to other things.

You may be taking the leaving and cleaving thing far beyond what it was intended for. A check for Christmas or a birthday is not undermining the father's responsibility to provide for his own.

However, if you feel it is not for you, and are sure it will not stir up hurt feelings to refuse money for the children, or to refuse to accept anything they buy for you, you are free to refuse it.

My parents and in laws were always very generous and could not resist bringing home something for us every time they went out shopping. You know how it is: they would see something on sale and know I could not rush to the particular store that day and would think, "Oh, my daughter could really use this!" and since it was not expensive, would go ahead and buy it for me.

I am the same way with my grandchildren. When I see an item of clothing that I know they always need, and it is on sale, and knowing how busy the parents are, I find it no trouble to buy it and since I don't have a huge amount of expense as I did when raising children myself, I can pick up something here and there. For birthdays and anniversaries, it is easier to give money, and let them decide what they want to do with it. I dont think in any way that a parent should stop giving birthday gifts just because their children are now raising children of their own.

You may feel differently when you get grandchildren. It all depends on the closeness and spiritual fellowship that parents, children and grandchildren have toward one another.

On the other hand, a grown married daughter or son often will do things for the grandparents: fix a roof, do some landscaping, repair something, build something, install a dishwasher, or take them out to eat.

Anonymous said...

Coming from another viewpoint, I think the main point of your article was that a couple does not need a larger income or a 2nd income in order for the mother to stay home, but that she might consider the freebies she gets from people, as an additional amount that help her survive. When my children were little, people at church were always doing something for us by taking us out to eat or giving us money. We were well looked after, and young women today want to take matters into their own hand to be assured they will have x amount of income. However if you will let go and let God, you will see that things take care of themselves without the mother working outside the home.

I know someone whose parents have a lot of money and they give large amounts to their married children, equally. I do not see anythng wrong with it. They cannot take it with them when they die, and their greatest joy is to do things for their children. I do not see it has anything to do with leaving and cleaving. If a couple wants to have hard times, they may do so, but most parents want to help, and it can bless them a lot to be cheerful givers. It can actually be a blessing to the giver, and to refuse it could be to deny that person the joy of giving. However I think it depends on the family. If the husband does not like it, then surely, refuse it.

Anonymous said...

If people accept an inheritance after their parents die, then why shouldn't they accept a gift from their parents while their parents are alive and able to be blessed by their children's expression of appreciation?

Anonymous said...

When I was raising children, my grandparents were still living, and they were determined to give away every penny they had while they could see us enjoy it, so I agree with the previous comment. They want to help, and to deny them the opportunity to give, would be a shame. And also some people are very religious and believe they should give to their children. It would be against their beliefs to withhold it.

Anonymous said...

I just LOVE your heart!

Thank you for this blog; it rains truth!

Blessings,
Amara

Anonymous said...

I have also never understood why a childless couple would choose to adopt a baby and then go back to work 6 weeks later!!! They want this child so bad, then leave it in the hands of someone else to raise!

LadyLydia said...

I agree. There is a fear and an addiction to work that makes mothers put aside their duty to their children and remain faithful to their perceived duty to the workplace and to themselves. They can't get through it to see the importance of looking after their own children, natural born or adopted, full time, and they do not see the necessity of it. They do not understand the many hours a child spends away from his parents are like long years to a child.

Anonymous said...

I could have written the same posts as many have here. I have a terrible mother-in-law, who, when I told her I'd be having a baby, told me that I should understand that she didn't "do" diapers anymore.
She told me about a poem she had read in a Chicken Soup/Soul book (you can read it at bab25.com/ladyred.html) that gave her shivers, and made her decide that she, too, would make sure she "lived it up" before dying. She has spent all my children's growing-up years going on cruises (4 a year) and extravagant gambling weekends. On the times that she does visit, she asks me to "tone it down a little" with the kids (meaning - stop having fun with them so much), so that she can have "her chance to shine with them", on "her day", while she is here! Have you ever heard an adult say such things in your life?!
It took me a long time to realize that the best thing that could have ever happened to me was to have that woman decide she didn't want to help me out. I really think there are a lot of us who feel sad about not having the help, but don't realize how much the Lord is blessing us instead.
"When father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up"! Being rich toward God is everything.
I say this because I walked this out. I didn't have help from my side of the family either, which is another story too long to write. I felt I was suffering for many years, but I had some more children because, in faith, I knew they were God's reward. I wanted to be close to my husband and children and not worry about the generation that came before me and what they thought.
God has just blessed my husband and me beyond what we could have even wanted and asked for. "Suddenly" - he lifted us right out of an uncomfortable situation and moved us away to a place where we have been amazingly comforted. We will never have our parents' love and support. They are all spending any inheritance we will ever get -just like the bumper sticker(they always made me think of that sticker, too)
But THE LORD gave us a heritage, instead, and His Word, which is more to be desired than any other thing. The Lord is our keeper, and the more I look back, I just thank him for keeping these awful selfish people out of our lives, by keeping them busy with their selfish pursuits. Don't worry about them, the Lord God himself will bless you and provide what you need, through his own Son.
You have a chance to speak a scripture to your baby or child today, without the interference of bitter people. That in itself is the greatest blessing, even if it costs you everything. Bear the cost of it, and be full of joy, that you are able to overcome, and that you know what is eternal!

LadyLydia said...

It is better to be alone than to be in bad company.

And if you have a grandparent or even a husband that is not interested in participating much in the home or helping with the children, be glad at least you are not having conflict. If you are the only one caring for your children, you can be consistent in your teaching, without having someone contradict you. So be happy to go it alone, if that befalls you.

Anonymous said...

Some feminist grandparents and family will actually disapprove and withhold support (financial, emotional, physical assistance, etc.) for a mother who is staying at home to care for her children. They feel if she's not out working and helping financially, she's not doing all that she should and therefore deserves to struggle until she sees the error of her ways. I have a good friend who has just this attitude toward her nephew and his wife and we disagreed thoroughly on this topic. I'm hopeful I helped her take a little different view on her nephew's family life.

Also, I knew a young woman working in a day care center. She told me when the new mothers first began to bring their children into daycare they would weep and shake and grieve when they left their children behind each morning. As they grew more and more hardened to their babies cries, they came to the point of just dropping them off and turning away. She said she felt that they had to harden themselves or they would grieve all day and everyday and not be able to continue.

LadyLydia said...

You are better off raising your children yourselves than to have people with vastly different values from yours bringing conflict into the home.

That being said, there are also those parents who speak wistfully of having the grandparents in their lives and mingling together like a great big extended family. In sentimental tones and with longing, they claim they want the grandparents involved, but when it comes down to it, they do not tap into that source when the grandparents want to be part of the grandchildren's lives. They do not want any input into their child training, housekeeping, , marriage etc. Instead, they have made up their minds what they like and are not accepting the grandparents wisdom and knowledge.

Anonymous said...

I feel I must respond to the comments about mothers returning to work soon after adopting. In some states the adoption does not become final for several months after a child is in the home.
If the mother's income was entered on forms at the begining of the proccess, to have to explain to a juge who may have had a feminist upbringing why the income has droped since she is staying home can be a very frightning thought.

Anonymous said...

The mention of bottle feeding in the post reminded me of something. A friend told me about this years ago; I think her doctor told her. I can't find anything on search on it but it makes sense. Think of a baby looking up into mother's eyes while breastfeeding. When a mother breastfeeds, she usually switches the baby from one side to the other. This affects the focus of the child's eyes. When bottle feeding, the baby is generally held in one arm the entire time, but the baby should be changed from side-to-side as is done while breastfeeding (probably from one feeding to the next would also work), as the change in position benefits the child's vision.

LadyLydia said...

While I do not believe that grandparents should be forced to send money every month to their children to help support the family, I will say that our own parents received occasional monetary gifts, such as birthday, Christmas, or when they received their bonus or interest from a CD. It was just something they liked to do, and it helped a lot. That being said I think it is up to them, and that young couples should not expect it, nor complain when it does not come. And, they should not be overly worried about money to the point that they are tempted to send the mother to work. Look at the women before us whose husbands had much lower incomes and they managed to stay home. You can't say the prices were cheaper or that life was easier, because it was not. There was no dollar store and no cheap place to buy food.

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