Tuesday, July 26, 2016

More Than Money: The High Cost of Day Care

Dear Ladies,

The family unit, consisting of Father, Mother and children (give or take a widowed grandparent or orphaned sister or brother) has always been the best for care and development of the human being.  It is with the Father and Mother that children learn most effectively about life, relationships and love.

Recently I had a visit with an interesting lady who had once participated in the daycare system.  Something she noted most, called detachment disorder, occurs  when a child is separated from his family, (particularly his mother) during the most impressionable and bondable years of his life, including infancy.
This malady is noticeable as the child grows older and does not value a lasting relationship. He may not bond well with his parents and siblings, which later translates into attachment problems when he marries and has his own family. It is very hard to shake the impact of childhood influences, and day-care problems can follow a person into his or her future life.

In day cares and schools, a child bonds with the other people his own age, in his class, only to have a different set of students the next year, with whom he makes attachments. During these years, the bonding with his own parents and siblings is minimal, especially if his Mother is not home.  

Unable to control the frequent detachments in his or her own upbringing, they may find it difficult to form natural relationships, and have "trust issues" in their own mates and children.

Between teachers, school bus drivers, nannies, coaches, summer camps and sports activities, a child finds himself surrounded by authorities.  Eventually, with all these authorities in his  (or her) life, what takes place is, the child picks the authority he wants. Not having fully developed judgement, the young person is incapable of making an informed, Biblical choice. This begins a series of changing authorities, choosing people whose influence  is not  the best, until he decides to reject everyone and be the only authority in his life. It may even follow into adult life, where the person is never able to discern wise authority from foolish. 

This habit of sending children away from home for every activity during their developmental years is sometimes called "out sourcing" or sending out, Motherhood.

In his adult life he will seek to love and be loved, but, having had natural family bonds broken in his childhood, he will lack the trust to be loyal to one person for long. When they do form permanent relationships with their mates and children, they may try to constantly test their loyalties. There is much damage done by the daycare society, where children are raised by other people.

 One of the problems of day care and schools is the constant change of people in a child's life.  He may develop the desire for constant new and exciting people. Then, when he gets to know them, they become passe' and are cast off for the new people of the year. As an adult, he (or she) may not be able to settle down and appreciate the natural, God-made family unit. It may seem boring to them because anything that ever happened in his or her formation years, always happened "somewhere else" with "other people."
This detachment disorder causes other problems, which my friend elaborated on. One of them is that it destroys the natural instinct to protect your own family members, or your own people.  This can all be solved by the Mother returning to the home to stay with her children full-time. 

 Our children do not belong to the cultures around us. They do not belong to the world. They were given to us by God, to be nurtured in the home. The Father needs to take his God-given role as provider and protector of the family seriously enough to make ensure that the Mother is free from the bondage of the cares and worries of the world, to stay home with her children.  

The cost of Day Care is higher than you think. These children can be "smart" in many ways but so lacking in how to nurture their own future families. They will not understand the importance of "letting children be children" by having hours of uninterrupted playing, allowing them to enjoy being children. They will want their own children to grow up too fast and take on adult responsibilities too soon.  

Not only do children suffer, but parents, who live with regrets from not being fully in the role for which they were created. Much more can be said about that! Suffice it to say that out-sourcing your own responsibilities results in a very high emotional cost. 

The future fathers and mothers may have difficulty understanding what is the Mother's responsibility and what is the Father's role. Sometimes the day-care-raised  fathers want to be stay-at-home mothers and the day-care mothers cannot bond enough with their own children to want to be home with them. The emotional price of day care may be more than we know, as we have to yet see the total damage into the next generation with male and female role identities.

If you are wanting to stay home with your children, you may benefit from reading this blog post called "When Mother Is At Home" by Gillian. Thank you, Gillian for a very heart felt post on this sensitive subject!

Her post describes several things you need to be home to experience, and the value it is to the children.

As most women are concerned about expenses, one of the best ways to cut down on the cost of home living is to cut out things you can do yourself,  When you eliminate the expense of day care by caring for your own children yourself, you also eliminate a big part of having to go to work in the first place. Most of your income will be spent on day care, car expenses of driving to and from day care and other activities, wear and tear on your vehicle, and wear and tear on yourself.

I have elaborated more on what you can do at home with your children in my video today:

Children learn more at home than you may know. Parents should pass on to them their skills and knowledge. Parents will be able to watch their children's health, rest and nutrition better, at home. Parents care more about their children's emotional, social and  spiritual development than anyone in daycare. Social life begins at home and is best developed there with the people God naturally put in their lives to eat, play, communicate and live with.

Everyone pays a high price for daycare. Its influence reaches into future relationships and affects businesses, families and churches.

Christ in the House of His Parents, by John Everett Mallaise


Blah said...

I have a friend whose husband is a preschool teacher. He was saying that some children don't develop an attachment disorder when placed in daycare but others do. However he is seeing more and more children with attachment disorders coming through his centre's doors. He says we will be reaping the fruit of this in ten to fifteen years with young adults committing crime and having mental health issues because of their attachment disorder. Our government (not the US) has pushed for women to go back to work, all on the altar of economic prosperity, never realising that we will be paying economically for all the broken children when they grow to adulthood. So shortsighted.

Kathy Thurman said...

As someone who quit after 14 years at a daycare, I have to agree with most of what you say. Sadly, we were more like family than some of our kids had at home. The stories I could tell..........

ladypinktulip said...

I used to work in the day care system and I would see infants come in and they would cry and cry...then eventually they stopped crying. They had hardened their hearts even at that tender infant age. Later these same babies were more like robotic school age children with little feeling or emotion. It is tragic. Kelly T.

living from glory to glory said...

Dear Lydia, I think this was the best post ever!! Wow, did it ever open my heart to just about cry for all those wee little ones that have been taken away from their mothers and their homes. How sad it all truly is... What is it all for? A newer car or bigger house? I can say that I have seen this attachment disorder in so many adults!
Then they become so insecure of many things and do not trust others and have hardly any real long lasting friendships. Daycare is not where are children should be... I have heard parents say they want their children to have the interaction with the other children, well Geesh take them to the park.
Blessings, Roxy

Christine said...

This is such a important topic.
A friend of mine asked about socialization, if a child stays home. I told her, what I had seen in my 12 years in the public school system. The students socialize and learn from each other.
And the things they learn from each other, is NOT what I want my grandchildren to learn!

Lydia said...

Good point, Roxy. Take them where you go and they will meet a lot of people: restaurants, the post office, grocery store, the farm and feed, church, other shopping, the airport to get your visitors, and so much more.

Lydia said...

Dear Lydia,

Your latest post really ministered to me. As I await the birth of my fifth little one, I felt so encouraged by your words. I have chosen to be home, to home educate and disciple my own children. We have done this from the beginning. Although it is not always easy, we know that it is right and what God has called us to do. My husband and I stand firm in knowing that we are obeying God's will for raising our children in this way. We have many areas in need of improvement but I see them as challenges worth rising to instead of running away from. I just want you to know that I learn a lot from your posts like these and am thankful ...

Lydia said...


God created natural socialization in family, extended family, church, friends and neighbors of your choice.

Julie Lewis said...

I borrowed some of my mother's teaching books to prepare myself for homeschooling. One of these books showed a "normal" case of a child being brought to its first day of school and learning to separate from parents. It showed the happy child being brought to school by its parent, then the throwing of a tantrum of tears as the child "dealt" with the new situation of being left, then the sullen child - described by the book as having successfully dealt with its new normal. What an unhappy face on that child, only now it wasn't crying anymore. I thought the same exact thing as Kelli mentioned - the child has just had to harden its heart and accept his new prison existence. I thought it was so horrible, if I ever come across it again, I can send a copy to you. It made me so sad and encouraged me to believe that I was doing the right thing by staying home and being with my children. They were saying it was a good growing experience for the child.

Another book of hers, about early child education, went in to a long description of how children learn best in an environment that is as close to home as possible. Therefore, we should bring curtains into the classroom, have a special day where we make a pot of soup at school, and on and on. It just blew me away that the thought never crossed anyone's mind that all those things are already at home, and that they could learn the best at home, without the stressed out mind that can develop from being stuck at school all day.
These books on education made the opposite case they were supposed to, about excellent education.

Christine Beauchamp said...

Dear Lydia, Yet another Profoundly brilliant post. I don't have daycare experience, but when growing up my mother worked outside of the home. The result was the same. We had to raise ourselves, lacked bonding with mother (who was tired after working all day, made dinner and went to bed), and lacked bonding with siblings, and we never saw mom except on weekends. My sisters who were older left home early and forgot I even existed. I made my friends my family for a time, but they have their own families. .. so I am family-less. Your words speak exactly of the same issues I dealt with. Our society creates so much harm in the name of money, dollars, greed. The damage can't be undone. My sisters are now in their 70's. For years I tried to connect with them, then gave up. In the end, all of us were hurt but they don't see it. They work so much and keep themselves so busy they cannot see it. We never knew our more distant relatives (aunts, cousins), so we have none. Very sad realizations and a lonely life. It could have been rich and full of love and joy. My biggest fear is that moms who need to read this. . . are not reading your site.

Lydia said...

Christine, because day care is a business, it is impossible to approach anyone in the business about this matter, even the parents. There must be a way to reach them. Perhaps the title thst includes the word "cost" will come up when someone is looking for "affordable" daycare. It certainly is not worth the price we pay in generations to come. Your testimony is very valuable.

Christine Beauchamp said...

I watched a friend adopt two newborns, a year apart. Went thru all the fertilization process, then adoption process - - long, tedious, expensive, but ending up with two babies: 1 of each. As soon as possible, she had them in daycare and went back to work, stating she 'hated' the baby phase. (Why did you adopt babies then??? . . . and I wonder if you told that to the agency you adopted from). Daycare was outrageously expensive, basically she was working to keep the kids in daycare. 1 child is fine, the other not. The 'not' child was kicked out of 5 preschools and she had to hire a lawyer on his behalf by the age of '7'. From knowing her I could determine she wanted 'friends' . . .not to be a real mom raising up a child - - but in-home grown friends. In those early days I gave her a book 'How to Train Up a Child' . . she was insulted. Her husband threw it in the trash. The kids are soon to enter high school now. In her eyes, like the good mom she has them in every activity possible, driving the world over to meet these foolish demands. I had to remove myself from her company as I could not watch the demoralization in action take place. But they will meet the societal standard, as meaningless and empty as it is. . . . because as she tells me "I'm a good Mom!' The troubled kid remains extremely troubled. .. and the daughter has not yet exerted her independence.

Christine Beauchamp said...

And Lydia, the price we pay is already here. People are eating plastic or degenerated foodless food - - not realizing what this does to them. They don't like their 'sex' so they change it and become someone else. I stand next to people in the street and cannot determine what they are. Drugs and weapons are legal???? Our world has gone insane. But the message remains, get an education, get a job, shop! And books like 'How to Train Up a Child' are thrown away as trash. We who eat healthfully are ridiculed, and don't even say you want to remove yourself from the workforce. (hmmmmm - - work / force. Odd combination of words that people choose to live by). Soon the seas will be empty, fished out in the name of greed. What happened to community? Where are the ethnic celebrations and festivals? What happened to living with morals and values, and honoring our earthly home? These are the things you address here. I remember talking with a rather aggressive massage therapist in 2001 or 2002. I suggested we need to return to a life of more simplicity and things of the past. He stared (glared more than stared) at me and said 'That will never happen!!' Who would want a massage from someone with such terrible 'energy' around him. And need I say, this was at a Saturday morning meeting for those interested in Voluntary Simplicity!

Anonymous said...

Great article. I have been home the 2nd trimester of my 1st baby. He is now almost 8. We have homeschooled since the beginning. Our church handed out school supplies to the children today. My son was insulted because he though it meant he had to go to regular school. He LIKES homeschooling. I assured him he could use the supplies at school this year. I am a mom to 3 boys. They get plenty of socialization. They play together, we go to the store, the library, and many other places. My older 2 have been reading since they were 5, completely self directed. My oldest has flourished at home. I wish secular people could understand the need to keep our children home.

Andrea R said...

Fantastic article, filled with truth...

If we are not going to raise our own children, we cannot expect much from them. They are humans, and inherently intelligent from birth. They know when mother and father chose income over their upbringing. I've never heard a single adult wish their family had abandoned them, so that they could have more "stuff" as a child..

I know single incomes are becoming increasingly difficult. However, God always cares for His sheep!


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