Finding A Mate

It is obvious from the many match-making message boards and sites, that finding a mate has become a major problem in Western society. Before the 20th century, the task of finding mates for eligible people was largely a function of the family, and it was assumed that the parents would make it possible for them to meet someone to marry.

It is interesting that we have tried to restore the purpose of the home in so many ways, yet the idea of guiding our grown children to finding the right kind of mate, is one of the "untouchables." While many of us agree that education, health care, birth, Bible study, money-making industry, talents, services, and many other things should come from the home, there are also many who find it unthinkable to try to provide a mate for their son or daughter.

Yet: someone is doing it. If we, as parents do not do it, there are certainly many other ways of finding a mate for our children. The web is full of lonely heart sites. I read one just recently, full of lonely young women who want nothing more than a husband and a family. They don't plan to compete with him, use him, or get rid of him. They just want someone to love and be faithful to for the rest of their lives. Other message boards have young men with the same concerns.

If you want to do it more Biblically, you'll notice that the fathers of that day and time took wives for their sons, and gave their daughters in marriage. I think we can still follow the basic principles of this, at that it will work, if we have the faith that it will. I'm old enough to remember the days before dating became popular. Previous to finding a mate through the dating process (kissing, hugging, and dumping, and then starting all over again), parents used to invite a young lady or young man whom they considered "a catch" or a really desireable addition to their family, over for dinner. It was as simple as that. The parents encouraged and enjoyed the couple, in what would have otherwise been a very awkward situation. Those of you who have experienced dating, know what I mean by awkwardness.

I will give you some real life examples of this: One man invited a young employee from the same workplace, home to dinner, just to meet his daughter. He already liked him like a son, so he wanted his daughter to meet him. Today, they are married. The great advantage to this is not just for the couple. The parents enjoy a rich fellowship with the couple and their family, taking holidays together, going to church together, sharing their joys and their sorrows. They look after each other.

Another set of parents noticed that their son, in his late twenties, was going from one relationship to another, and not making a commitment, causing hurt feelings all around, and decided to reign him in. You probably don't think that is possible these days, but this is how they did it then. They had known a family with a daughter they had always hoped would marry their son. She was of the same religion, and had the same interests. They arranged to go as two families to a picnic on the beach. I know this story because my brothers and sisters and I, then teenagers, were on the same beach and walked past their lovely little party. The young man in question barely looked up at us, his old friends, as we passed, because he was thoroughly absorbed in a conversation with the whole family of the young lady. Over thirty years later I inquired of them, and found out they had married and were still together.

One particular story I always enjoyed was "Wives and Daughters," written by Elizabeth Gaskel in the 1800's, because the older people took such a serious interest in their children's choice of mates, and would have done just about anything to keep a girl from marrying someone who was not of sound mind or good character. It was important to society that people make good, solid marriages. When Mr. Gibson, Molly's father, got wind that a young man in his employ was in love with his daughter, he sent him packing. He then turned around and sent Molly straight to help out a family who had two eligible sons. I wondered why he sent one man packing, yet seemed to be encouraging Molly to get acquainted with the others. It is possible he just didn't like one of them. Later on he tells the boys' father, "I like the lads, and am glad to see them coming around." Here, he thwarted the attempt of one young man to win the affections of his daughter, and encouraged the other one. In the end, both fathers did their best to get the two of them together. "There is a girl after my own heart," said Roger's father. "She's like a daughter to me."

I knew another family who took an active interest in their son's choice of a mate. The mother got sick, and hired the daughter of a family from church, to come and help run the house. During this time, she and the son became better acquainted and were soon engaged. Both families were thrilled.

These are only a few stories that I know. I will not have time to talk about all of the stories of how people met in the early 1900's, largely through their families, when families thought it their responsibility to find good mates for their children. Since the 1950's, families have relinquished that duty to the schools, colleges, dating services, and other institutions. There are of course exceptions, throughout history, such as the mail-order brides, that came to the West to meet a mate and settle the land.

I don't want to criticize anyone who did not meet their husbands through their families. There are some families who don't want the responsibility. They think their sons and daughters will just find someone when the time comes, and some of them do, but a lot of them don't, and are still out there on blogs and boards longing for a mate.

Those that have no family to guide them in finding a mate, will have to gather up some strength, give a little courage, and take some chances, in order to find their own. Too many of them, in my opinion, afraid to put themselves forth, or afraid to be seen as "forward," do not show any inclination of interest at all, and lose their chances.

Today, men in our society are reluctant to pursue a woman the way they used to. They don't want to come across as harrassing the woman, or being out of line. They don't want to push it, if the woman appears not to be interested. At the same time, women don't want to appear to be desperate, or "hunting" a husband. There are some things you can do to help yourself along, if you are on your own, and still seeking a mate.

One of the best books on the subject I ever read, was "The Fascinating Girl." I'm sure not everyone will agree with every single thing in this book, but if you really want to win a man, you will find a couple of things you can glean from this book. You can probably get a used copy from the web. It was written for single girls who didn't know how to go about finding a mate, during a time of terrible permissiveness in the U.S. It showed how to detect good character or bad character in a man, and how to find the kind that would marry, settle down, be faithful, and provide for his family.

Other suggestions I have are: When you find someone you might like to get to know, find out about his parents, and get acquainted with them. You can also smile and be a little encouraging. Often girls, afraid of being flirtatious, will not smile at all. All you have to do is treat the men as brothers, and you'll be at ease. The motto is: He's your brother until he's your husband. That will keep you from worrying to much about being too friendly or too affectionate before a commitment is made.

You might arrange to have the person visit you in your family home, to get acquainted with everyone. If you are using message boards to meet people, arrange to have a parent or trusted relative meet personally with the candidate first.

Young women looking for mates need to pay attention to the way the dress, that they do not send off messages that send the young men packing. Neither appear too alluring nor too stodgy; not too formal but not too casual. You should choose clothing that is not masculine, but ladylike and pretty.

There are other things you can do to improve your chances of finding a mate. Attend church regularly. One young lady I knew, grew discouraged because there were no eligible men in church. She decided to go elsewhere, only to find out that family with four sons had attended the church the day she was gone. You never know what God holds in store for the faithful!

I think, in essence, it is the parents that should do the "dating" and the screening. In lieu of parents, the young lady may have to assert herself a little, in order to secure a mate. One woman I know, who has now been married over twenty years, perceived that the young man she had her eye on, was too shy to say anything to her, so she asked her parents to invite him to dinner.

Finally this word of wisdom to anyone who has someone in their life just hanging on, but no commitment being made. If your family does not show any interest in the person, and will not make friendly overtures toward them, just part amicably. If the family is urging you enthusiastically to procure the person's interest, to bring them around, to marry them, then take that as a "sign" that you have found someone who is suitable. Many a young woman who was encouraged by her parents, married a fine man, due to their enthusiasm.

I don't believe in this sitting-around-stuff that some single girls are ascribing to, waiting til somone magically appears. The parents need to be alert and be able to recognize a good man when they see one, and pursue a friendship with him. I agree you shouldn't chase men, but I do think there are many things you can do to bring one into your life.

In this current day, parents take a greater interest in choosing the college their children will attend, than they do in choosing a future mate. You judge for yourself which is the most important. As a society we have no qualms about giving our two cents worth to our children regarding the purchase of a car, or enrollment in a University, yet remain silent on the choice of a mate. In the Bible, even Sampson, who chose the wrong woman, still had to implore his own parents to "get her for me." (Judges 14:2) Are there any brave parents full of faith out there who are willing to take responsibility for finding mates for their children? It doesn't have to be a "my way or the highway" situation. It can have a take-it-or-leave-it approach. And, if parents feel that they have no role in finding their children appropriate mates, they can rely on the avenue of prayer. You know what they say, "You can never get so far away from your family that your mother's prayers can't reach you."