Other People Handling Your Baby

Mary Cassatt "Child in Blue"

Dear Ladies,

My subject today addresses the problem of people who touch other people's babies and children.  I do not remember this being a problem when my mother had babies, maybe because so many other people were having babies and had children around them all the time. It also may be that the grandparents were usually near one of their children and had plenty of grandchildren to look after.  Now it seems people are baby starved. They continually reach their hands out expecting you to hand over your child to them.

They get offended if you refuse them when they hold out their arms for the child. They will even try to pry the baby out of his mother's arms.

This is a serious problem because mothers today do not want their babies or children handled a lot by other people, and they are sensitive about their children picking up some kind of virus or bacteria. Having sick children at home is a trial they do not like repeating unnecessarily.

I never had an insatiable desire to handle other people's children. I liked holding my own children, but I did not like it that people expected to hold my children on demand.  Sometimes I saw a sneaky trick: when I gave the baby to its grandmother while I went to do something else, another person not in the family (maybe someone who came over to visit) would manage to get the grandmother to hand the baby to them.  I saw it with the fathers, too, who were unaware of this trick. The mothers did not want their babies passed around but when someone saw the father with the baby, they managed to get him to hand the baby to them.

Mothers are holding 

 their infants quite close to them in wraps and carriers, but even then, people are so rude, they reach around and find the baby's head, foot, hand, etc. and stroke it. The parents get more and more frustrated at this rudeness. One lady had a sign she made that she attached to her baby's clothing, and it read, "Please do not touch my baby. Thank you for your consideration."

I saw one father that caught on to the way people were getting around his rule to refrain from handling his child.  He stopped someone who was reaching for the baby, by putting his arm in front of them as a barrier, stopping them from further intrusion.  Putting your arm between you and the grabby person is a good idea if you want to stop the invasion of folks who just have to touch your baby.

Also, there are people who, though they have been told they cannot carry someone's baby around, will poke the child or tickle them or constantly try to distract them, hoping the mother will give up. This is very rude.

No one has a "right" to hold a baby unless it is their own. Babyhood is so fleeting, and Mothers should cling to their little ones while they are little, and not be eager to let them go to strangers and other people, even in church. Your baby is not part of "the village" but part of the family. No one "owes" anyone the privilege of baby touching or baby holding.

I have seen mothers turn away from imposing people who are aggressively trying to grab their children. They cannot seem to see that the mother has given them the message of rejection by turning her back on them. Because of the sad fact that many people today just do not read your expression or your body language when it comes to the word "no", you might have to explain more forthrightly to a persistent person, that you do not want them to touch your children.   We ladies do not enjoy saying things that upset other people or that ultimately put stress on us, but sometimes, we must, if we want people to refrain from being too bold with us and our children.

If you have anything to add to the subject, please leave a comment.

Also, type in "How To Handle People Who Touch Your Baby" and you will see it is a huge problem.

In case you did not see it, here is the link I posted in the first sentence:
http://community.today.com/parentingteam/post/please-dont-touch-my-baby

There could be other factors besides health and the welfare of the child, when considering how many people to pass the baby around to: what about that intricate bonding that goes on between the child and its own family---can it be interfered with by too much outside handling?  We do not know everything about this. But one thing that has come to light is that a child who gets used to going with just anyone who holds out their hands, may not have good discernment later on, and may go with strangers and put himself in danger.  Never despair of a "shy" child who just wants to stay with his mother!  That child will be a safe child.

My opinion is based upon personal experience and observation. I do not think we owe someone a "blessing" by being forced to give our baby to be held by anyone who is just longing to hold a baby.  Believe me when I tell you there are many teen aged girls who think they have a right to grab children, and they get very miffed when the mothers are tired of it and the baby becomes very irritable and cries because of all the handling.  I do not subscribe to the idea that it "blesses" someone if you let them hold the baby. Taking the baby to its real and aged grandmother is different. I feel I may bless them.

Refined Speech for Christian Ladies

We love to have serenity in the home, so we clean and beautify and add all kinds of elegant touches. We are particular, or "picky" about where things are placed or what color they are because we want everything in the house to have a harmonious feeling. We want our homes to be places of peace and rest.


Our speech should be as refined and as beautiful as the things we value at home. When something is refined, the dross, dirt, and impurities are removed so that the product is pure and clean. Our speech should be free of impurity.


Before I can suggest the elements of edifying, pleasing conversation, it is necessary to discuss the harm of corrupt communication.


Improper speech is offensive and destructive.


Rude, critical remarks and spoil the sweet atmosphere.


Crudeness is a lack of completeness, unfinished, lacking in perception, and lacking in culture.


No lady in her right mind would dare to serve her guests a cup of tea in a dirty teacup, and a guest would not even think of bringing her personal trash into a house where she was invited. We all want to give our guests our very best, and mature guests do not want to leave a bad impression on the hostess.


It seems though, that there is a big disconnection of this principle (uncleanness or filth) regarding the way women talk these days, and they especially tend to be unrestrained in what they talk about when in a group of other women at a tea party or a ladies class. This is particularly sad because they are usually dressed up, wearing a hat, and there is a dainty table laid out for them.

 There is no greater blame on the young, than on the old. While we might expect filthy talk from those "who never knew our God," we are in real trouble when ladies of the Lord's church become careless in their manner of speaking. They understand why they value their lovely furniture and their well-appointed homes, but they fail to view their speech in the same way.


In days gone by, especially in the home, parents guarded the speech of their family carefully, not just to avoid rudeness, but to keep corrupting talk from tainting the family and making home life unpleasant.


 While Christian women generally agree that swearing and cursing should never be included in their conversation, there are those who do not realize that subject matter, such as talk of bodily functions, private husband-wife relationships, jokes about private parts of our bodies, references to physical desire, and innuendos about such things, are included in the Bible's admonition to have pure speech. (Colossians 4:6 and Titus 2:8)


Women may reason that as long as they are not using foul language and uttering curse words, that it is okay to talk about anything and everything. However, even without filthy language, there are some things that are not appropriate to talk about.


There is an erroneous, worldly and unBiblical practice to talk about everything from underwear to intimate relationships in detail. Some women believe that as long as they are not gossiping or criticizing, that any subject is safe to talk about.


Ladies always need to be careful around little ears and not violate their innocence with talk about grown-up things they are not ready for.



 Discerning women also have to understand that it is possible to offend the purity of anyone, any age, whether married or not. The more a Christian lady strives for pure thinking and pure living (unblemished by filth), the more she would be aware of how speaking of things which are "done in the dark" can harm the pure in heart, no matter what age they are.



Lectures on pure speech often bring up questions about things that are recorded in the Bible, and whether or not it is okay to discuss them. This all depends on how such situations involving sin are discussed. Just because it is in the Bible, it does not give ladies leeway to indulge in impure curiosity or speculate on sensuous details of sin.



I have observed many mothers over the years who were very successful in teaching their children about the sin that is described in the scriptures and still not indulge in describing the corrupting details.



Sincere ladies can develop sensitivity and a sence of shame regarding the kind of talk they engage in.



Nonetheless, there are still some women who may find it hard to discern what should and what should not be spoken out loud, so I will suggest some guidelines to abide by. That way, if a situation comes up and a person is tempted to join in an inappropriate discussion, they can think of these rules.



1. Avoid talk about personal bodily functions. Even discussing your digestive tract can be a problem when other ladies just want to have polite, cheerful, uplifting conversation. Keep your monthly cycle totally private and never mention it in a sewing circle or a ladies Bible Class. Most people agree that the subject of intimate, private things CAN be discussed privately with a trusted friend. 

Bear on mind that not everyone in a group will be comfortable talking about private things. You just have to be careful that the people you are with approve of it and do not subject your hearers to things they are not comfortable with regarding private things.


2. Speak not of things that create pictures in the mind of immodesty of any sort, or any graphic description of anything to do with physical privacy or private parts of the anatomy. Conversation alluding to bathing can even become embarrassing, even if it is about cleanliness.



3. Really refined Christian ladies never discuss their womanly cycle or details of childbirth except with a mother or close friend privately.



4. Do not talk about the details of your family finances to anyone outside of the family and be careful not divulge such private things to your children. 

5. Bringing up past bad experiences and telling them in detail, time after time, is not polite conversation.



6. Begging. Edifying conversation will never manipulate anyone into giving them something. It is not good form to whine about your financial setbacks.


7. Avoid the bad conversational habit of one-up-man-ship or "I do it better."



8. Coming in late to a conversation that has already begun and adding your opinion without having heard the whole matter.



9. Correcting everyone every time they speak, on their grammar or the things they are saying (unless you are training your children).



10. Always asking "why?" Or "Why is that?" In response to every thing anyone says.



11. Walking into a conversation between people and blurting out "Now what??" or just demanding to know what someone is talking about.



12. Not discerning when you are not included in a conversation.



13. Rudely excluding someone in the same room with the same company, by talking about something experienced by the two of you (wasn't that tea party we went to fun?") that others cannot relate to.



14. Never being interested in the other guests and only wanting to tell your own plans and your own experiences.


15. Silly talking with no point.



16. Doting about words and strifes. (1 Timothy 6:4)



17. Great swelling words of vanity. (2 Peter 2:18)



18. Hasty, sharp responses.


Some of the above subjects can be covered in another lecture.



To prevent inappropriate talk, you first have to be careful what you think about. Watch out for where your mind goes and turn your thoughts back to whatever is lovely and pure and good. Your thoughts will guide your tongue. James explained that when he used the bits in the horses mouth as an illustration to the problem of controlling the tongue (meaning your words).

An article that explains it well is here.https://www.christiancourier.com/articles/119-plague-of-profanity-the


To halt inappropriate talk, learn to find something in the conversation that can be used to change the subject. Catch on to a word or idea that is being discussed and say that it reminds you of something, and see if you can ask a question about it, that will get people off the other subject. Note that sometimes people with bad habits and impure thoughts will use the same tactic to talk about things that are untoward or vulgar.



To get conversation back in control, you might have to use drastic measures and tell the ladies that they need to move on to more decent subjects. If you have children within hearing, it will be important to stop people before allowing corrupt talk to offend their ears.



There is something else you need to know, that is very important, about listening to silly, unregenerate talk. It puts a bad taste in people's mouths (a figure of speech meaning a bad memory) that they cannot get rid of.


 I once was a guest at a ladies gathering where one of the other guests began talking about her anatomy "in the vernacular".


The other ladies were embarrassed but never said anything and some of them got up and went into the kitchen, while others bravely tried to change the subject. It was even more serious that there were some little girls sitting politely by their mothers. The words they heard would be replayed in their memories and pollute their minds with thoughts that would crowd out innocent childhood thinking.


The older ladies were so disturbed by such foul talk (including bathroom and bedroom talk) that some of them departed with deeply glum expressions. I heard later that a couple of the more refined guests went home and wept for their sister in Christ who had been so thoughtless. Although she was eventually enlightened by a very kind lady, the damage had been done and could not be undone.



People who let-loose their tongues do more than let out words that will be forgotten. Such words also bring up images in people's minds that they play again, and will not go away for awhile. Furthermore, it is just as bad to pollute the mind of a child as it is to pollute the thinking of anyone else, whether they be the age of 18 or 80. This is because The Lord has told us in his word to have pure minds and think on pure things . (Philippians 4:8)



Crude talk of those things "done in the dark" (1 Timothy 4:7) make you appear to be less refined and less of a lady. Corrupt communication is bad for your future influence on those who might be guided by you.


We can reason and talk and try to convince ladies to guard their speech, but if their hearts are not convicted that it offends Christ and affects their standing with Him, they will be forgetful hearers. They need to know that when they let foolish talk escape from their mouths, and do not bridle the tongues, (James 3:2) that they violate and corrupt other people. It is also disrespectful.


Ladies need to train their consciences to be sensitive enough to blush at corrupt communication. The ability to cringe or blush is developed when you pay attention to and dwell on whatever is good, lovely and pure. Then, the impure will stick out like a sore thumb and be immediately recognizable.


 You should abhor the thoughts and sounds of corrupt communication.


Your speech reflects your morals and your religious views. An unbridled tongue can cause another person to have impure things on her mind. Be accountable for every word you speak and know the harm or the good that you do with your words.


 Language can be used for good or for ill, and you need to be remembered for speaking whatever is good, lovely and pure. What God has to say should be the final word on our language, so here are some verses to think about:


Eph 4:29    Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.



Col 3:8    But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.



Tit 2:7    In all things shewing thyself a pattern of good works: in doctrine shewing uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity,



Tit 2:8   Sound speech that cannot be condemned; that he that he that is of the contrary part may be ashamed.



.Eph 5:12    For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret.



1Ti 4:7    But refuse profane and old wives' fables, and exercise thyself rather unto godliness.



Psa 19:14    Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.



There are so many things to talk about, which are interesting, stimulating, encouraging and beneficial,that it would take a life time to relate them. There is so much untapped glory in beautiful, edifying, or instructive words, one cannot tell it all.  there is simply no time to indulge in corrupt and fruitless talk.


Corrupt communication is limited and amounts to saying the same stupid things over and over. If you engage in it, you do not appear to be very bright or wise.

A visitor to a ladies Bible class once remarked, "I would like to come back each week to the ladies Bible class, but the ladies indulge in too much bad news and too many 'organ recitals' describing surgeries and health problems with all the details of blood and gore."  We all need to be careful that our group conversation does not center on things that are revolting to others. While we may talk personally to a friend about these things, they are not edifying for a group.

I know people who have handicapped children with mental imparities that still are able to train them to avoid filthy talk. If a mentally-challenged person knows the difference, then any lady can master the art of polite and clean conversation, both at home and in public. It is better just to forget you ever knew any of those words or subjects and get them completely out of your mind. Then, the next time you hear them, they will jolt your senses and you will see clearly the difference between light and darkness.



When polite ladies refrain from vulgar talk, it has an influence on the society around them. Refined speech is a bigger influence than people realize. As you refine your speech you will begin to notice that you are reducing you own stress. Foul-mouthed people will not feel comfortable around you and might keep their mouths shut. If you try to be a real lady and speak only what is sweet and nice, you become a great influence and you keep a right relationship with God.

Just as any woman sincerely following the Lord's admonition in Titus, chapter 2, wants her home to be clean and orderly so that it may comfort and edify the occupants, Christian ladies ought to keep their speech pure and lovely in the temple of the Holy Spirit, (the tongue, in the body, which is he temple, should be well-regulated and disciplined), so that hearers may be taught the greater issues of the Kingdom of The Lord.

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Porch Living

This is what the saucer looks like underneath that cute rose-shaped teacup.

Though sparse, there are few flowers available, and these are displayed in an old salt shaker.

You will have to ignore the fact that the outside of house needs a paint job. It may even have to wait few years, as it will take a crew to do it. In the meantime I am concentrating on keeping it as nice as I can and trying not to see all the flaws.

I was happy to see a local store carrying Bluebonnet seeds. 

Today as I sit on the porch in the sun, want to share something that has been on my mind for several months. Ladies often request a post on this subject. I usually think about a topic for quite awhile before I post it, so that I can plan my approach and make a mental outline of my thoughts. 

This is a subject that can sometimes be very sensitive: that of good manners in families and in church. It is so important that people understand what is, and what is not appropriate to do an say in some situations. In the Christian life, we learn that we must be gentle in our approach to people. There are, however, situations that will require correction. This is just a synopsis of what to do to promote peace and avoid confrontation.

In a preachers family, we have had to be very diplomatic and very cautious with people, and careful in many respects. Sometimes I hear the way people respond to their fellow-man with hasty, sharp replies and constant corrections -- and these are grown people, not children or students or those in their formative years talking to teens or tots -- and I think that if our family spoke to people in such an abrupt way, we would have been moving around a whole lot more than we did. We have been in the same ministry for 43 years and have observed a lot of things, so today I am sharing some of it here, to those who care to read it.

In business I hear people talking to their co-workers in such a way that would have gotten us booted out within a day, for no one wants to have a rude minister and ministers wife interacting with people. It would hurt the church's reputation and send the preacher packing over and over until he had nowhere to land. I see college students, particularly the girls, speaking harshly to their parents or their teachers and wonder how they will survive in their careers or a marriage.

I will divide the lesson into subjects, as best I can, in order to share my thoughts and beliefs about manners at home and at church.This lecture is directed to young ladies, and in general it says that the manners you practice at home will be the manners you extend in the church. An elderly man whom we all respect in our local congregation told us that lack of respect at church can often be traced to lack of manners in the home.

Ettiquette at Home and Church

In a family, I think it is important not to practice being so casual with each other that you cast aside all propriety and lapse into criticism and insults. You may have come from a home where this was commonly practiced, and it was considered acceptable because, after all, you are family, and still have to live together. Growing up in this conflict can make people think it is normal, and they carry the arguing habit into their own newly-formed families. Unless they recognize the harm in arguing and defying, they pass the attitudes on to the next generation. There are some ways to change things, if a person has a mind to do so:

1. Bite your tongue.

In "the old days" a person was admonished by the older generation not to say whatever came to their minds, but to think it through and imagine the reaction to your words. Err on he side of shyness and restraint. Wait and see if the other person will change, and give them a chance to grow. Overlook a fault unless it puts you in personal danger.

Pro 11:13    A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter.

Sometimes women or girls can get very sharp-tongued, being quick to correct everyone on every little thing. They may feel they should show people how intelligent they are by turning everything into a big issue or a debate. This behavior is not smart at all. It is what the New Testament describes as a loud, clanging cymbal; that is to say, a lot of noise and show. It is not always wise to confront people. Try to think if they might react in a harsh way to your criticism. If they do, you are bringing more stress on yourself. Ask yourself if you are willing to live with the repercussions. Some things do need correcting, so be sure it is important enough to make it worth the backlash you might get.

Pro 16:20    He that handleth a matter wisely shall find good: and whoso trusteth in the LORD, happy is he.

2. Restrain yourself.

Sometimes in a home, someone may feel like playing but others do not want to play. I have found it best to leave people alone if they do not want to interact with others. Some people would rather read a book. Not everyone wants to party. If they are not causing trouble, leave them alone. There are some people that feel they must continually stir people up. This fits the description in Proverbs of the people that lose sleep if they are not causing trouble:

Proverbs 4:16  " For they sleep not, except they have done mischief; and their sleep is taken away, unless they cause some to fall."


3. Practice peacefulness.

Confrontation causes reaction, which results in stress for both parties. Some people think it is healthy to confront others often about every little thing, but I guarantee you that people do not like to be constantly confronted and are never going to warm to you. In fact, if you make a habit of confronting people, you will find they flee from you when they see you coming.

By confronting, I am speaking of making an issue of everything and getting people into a conference to discuss an issue, and in general creating stress by putting someone on the spot. We are told by worldlings (a silly word I use when I am referring to the world's advisors) that confronting someone is advisable, but I have never seen it work out well. A young lady is not required to confront older people, and she must leave a lot of things to play out by themselves. If you get in the habit of trying to run other people or get your own way all the time, you will be impossible to live with as a mate and as a church member.

One thing I grew tired of early in life was the practice of setting up a meeting with someone for the purpose of working out your differences or "clearing the air." I observed that dredging up all the offenses and trying to explain and re-explain your actions or intentions only brought up old wounds and caused more offenses and more problems. Some people had the idea that all parties should get together and "have it out" but I never saw that such conferences ever resulted in life-long friendships. Confrontation only continued the problem. Sometimes if you leave things alone, a problem will take care of itself. Older people will often say this.

I was taught to "let sleeping dogs lie." (Poirot would say, "let the sleepy dog tell the lie" :-). In other words, it isn't too bright to stir up a problem if everyone seems to be letting it lie still and die down. I never once saw a confrontation conference change anything for the better. It only alienated people from the ones who were setting up the confrontation.

This of course does not apply when raising children, as confrontation will be necessary. I am referring to the unpleasant habit that occurs in adult conversation. Christian ladies have to interact with people in a way that gives and takes, does not dominate or manipulate the conversation, and is edifying and pleasant. This is quite a skill, which could be achieved through role-playing an argumentive person with a conciliatory person.

4. Practice deference.

This is a yielding and humble attitude in conversation, toward parents and grandparents and others who are older than you. Do not get the idea that it means to let people walk all over you or that it means you must agree to something that is wrong. It means to defer, or yield your opinion in order to keep a pleasant conversation. If you can sense that someone is argumentive, do not give them any fuel by insisting on winning the argument. It is painful for others to have to listen to it and you are not endearing yourself to anyone.

Deference includes respecting older people. Younger women should not argue with older women, and should practice deference. In yielding, it does not mean you agree with a person, but it shows that you are too polite to argue or to try to win an argument. Learn all you can about he quality of deference, for it is one of the sources of ladylike and gentlemanly behavior.

5. Be alert to the cold shoulder.

Do not expect family members and church members, friends and people you do business with, to spell out every detail for you of how you should act in order to be polite. Plan on picking up some hints by observing people's response to you. Some people's expressions are clear. When they frown, they may want you to leave them alone. When they smile, they may be giving you permission to be more friendly. Some people will turn their back on you or give you the cold shoulder. Think before you confront them about it. Let them cool off. Confrontation may just make matters worse.


A person who avoids you is giving you the cold shoulder. If you are a young lady and find this happening a lot in your life, use it as a signal to retreat and be a little less pushy; a little more demure. There may be other reasons that someone will give you the cold shoulder. It is possible they are rude. If so, let them alone. Do not try to pursue a friendship with a rude person if it causes more stress for you.


I have observed that the wisest people are willing to let a matter slide, and not try to solve it. They overlook a fault and give people room to grow. As I said before, this does not apply when raising children, because they have to be guided into proper attitudes and behavior. Just make sure your children know they cannot raise the rest of the world. They cannot boss their elders around or correct the bad manners of people around them. They must be respectful.


6. Learn to be discerning.

The person who says you have to come to them and tell them what they did wrong, is someone who is not discerning the situation. They should size up the situation by watching how others are behaving. For example, many mothers want their children to look to them for authority and advice and they take offense when a young lady tries to come between a mother and a daughter with her opinions. Gather all kinds of clues from observing the things that go on around you and from the way people speak and act. Avoid those that create discord, and avoid creating discord yourself.

Observe the church members who have been in peaceful existence for a long time, in the church where you attend. If they are content to leave people in peace and and are not argumentive or meddling with people, take note. If you are a young lady wanting to be accepted, observe the other ladies. Many of them, though not "social butterflies", are pleasant enough and mindful of the privacy of the other members. They seem to be able to detect whether too much attention might embarrass someone, and whether a little extra attention is needed. They neither overwhelm people with abrupt behavior, nor dismiss people by being disinterested. If you are a young lady, the best thing to do is be ready to make friends but wait for others to make the first move, especially if you are new in a congregation. Let others get used to seeing you and having you around, ease into the social situation, and never assume anything. Rely on the older women to gain a sense of propriety ( discerning what to say and what not to say or do )in social situations such as birthday observances, baby and wedding showers, and ladies Bible studies.


7. When corrected by an elder, thank them and move on.

Do not stay and try to justify yourself as if you were trying to prove your case in court. Sometimes an older women will not want you to roam through her house, going into closed off areas and snooping into private places of the house. If you do this and are corrected, do not make up stories about being lost. To learn more about this, read "On Being a Good Guest: Private Spaces". Be careful not to create a huge issue, followed by a personal confrontation or a meeting to hash things out, when someone just does not want to socialize, seems to want more privacy, or declines an invitation. You will not regret overlooking the matter, but if you create a big issue over something, you have to live with that memory the rest of your life.


8. Know your place.


That sounds very old-fashioned, but it is so valuable and will keep a lot of stress and resentment out of your life and make you easy to get along with. Young ladies should be careful not to have a know-it-all attitude or argue about everything. They should remember that they are not old and experienced in life and have not endured many trials. They should not expect to boss or lord it over anyone. Neither should they try to usurp a mother's authority or act superior.



Young ladies should be taught to observe and be aware of everything around them. You can discern a lot about the character qualities of a person by observing how they interact with their parents and with older people. It is important to be alert about this because it prevents you from naively participating in an argument or getting pulled into a friendship or an agreement to do something, that you may regret. Be discerning.


Jesus told the Pharisees that they were good about discerning the weather, but they could not discern the times. (Luke 12:56) That means they could see only what was in front of them but were not being aware of what was going on around them.


To be aware of how to be mannerly, use all of your senses. People should not have to always tell you everything. People sometimes send off simple signals in response to rudeness. They may shrink from an agressive person, or they may feel too stressed to respond to someone who has been rude, and just shut down and not communicate. If you are a young lady and want to avoid offending people, and desire to be well-mannered, use your senses and your good sense, to discern when you have been too inquisitive, have monopolized conversation, been too self-centered in conversation, have not shown honor to your parents, are not thoughtful in your treatment of others, etc.

Learn also that not everyone is the same. People will not follow the rules you want them to. There are some people who are not comfortable with confrontation. They would rather avoid a rude person than confront them. They may have a sensitive nature that causes them to feel very stressed out if they have a confrontation. Be considerate of the way others do things.


Naturally there are things that need to be confronted, which will require discernment. This post is intended for those who are trying to reduce the amount of stress in their lives. A lot of stress can be avoided if you will cut down on the amount of conflict you create by impulsive confrontation and arguing. There is enough stress to be had without creating it ourselves. Sometimes it is best to be quiet about controversies and faults.

It seems like there is a lot to remember, but when you adopt a graciousness and a "live-and-let-live" quality into your life, it will become natural to be polite, without even thinking.


I highly recommend this article called Hints and Helps on Good Behavior at all Times and at all Places. In fact, I am fairly certain you will like what you read there.


It is getting late and I see the sun is setting, so I will post a photo of it and say goodnight.

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Courteous Conversation - Dealing With Rude People

I am about to have a chat with you here about conversation habits, which to some people, is a highly sensitive subject. We are seeing more bad habits in the public, and this can in part come from the kind of training wrought in the home. From business to politics, little restraint is practiced by some people. Yes, right now, it is only a few people who are at fault, but rudeness can become epidemic if it is not noted and self-corrected. Like disease, bad habits are easily caught and spread. Young people who are well brought-up may enter the public sphere and be influenced to adopt some of these bad conversational habits that make life depressing.

I will relate some things I recently observed in the public. The first was at the airport, where a female employee was sarcastically and sardonically addressing the passengers as they went through the check point. Instead of informing them of what they were to do, she would yell out, "Sir, where do you think you are going?" She could have saved her voice and said, "Over here, sir. This is where you have to go next." Instead of informing a passenger what to put on the conveyor belt for examination, she croaked meanly, "Well, well. What have we here?" She pointed to the woman's shoes. The woman had not travelled much, and this was her first flight in 15 years. The employee could have said, "You have to remove your shoes, Ma'am." I personally found the female employees to be the most hardened, sarcastic, brutal-voiced, bossy and pushy people. In any other business, they would have been justifiably sacked. These antics at airports ruin business on all sides, for who wants to pay for an expensive ticket and be treated so disdainfully and given sharp commands as if they were a dog. Their training does not require them to add the extra sarcastic remarks that silently say "You dummy, you."

There is also the problem of dealing with those who live around you, whether it be neighbors or family members. Sometimes people think that it does not matter how they act at home, because, after all, they are doing it on their own property, and it is no one else's business, but this is not entirely true. They way we live has a great impact on others for good or for ill. A neighbor in the country may be allowed to water his lawn, but if he lets the sprinkler spray his neighbors wash on the line, it is offensive. On the other hand, it is quite rude to complain all the time to neighbors about every little thing. It puts a barrier between you both and makes it harder to win him to Christ. While we may feel justified in saying many different things that are true, as in the case of the sarcastic woman working at the airport, it does nothing to win friends and influence people. Everyone in your life is a potential brother and sister in Christ, a potential customer for a future business. a potential family member, a potential helper or care-giver. You never know how you cheat yourself when you alienate people.

This second example is one where the owner of a hotel and the employees treat the customers as though they were a nuisance. We all know that this situation was the inspiration for John Cleese's brilliant series, "Fawlty Towers," in which the proprietor rasped through clenched teeth: "I could manage this hotel perfectly if it were not for the people in it!" The hotel, motel, campground, travel-trailer, and other vacation resorts are known as "the hospitality business." Those who are in contact with the customers should be aware that the customer is their bread and butter and treat them with pleasantness.

I have read a lot of customer reviews of several places where I had personal experience. You can read reviews of places before you go, on Trip Advisor.com. The other customers almost always have the same bad experiences with rude hostesses, which include things like calling the customer a liar, charging more than the agreed price, sending them to a different room or spot than originally booked, misrepresenting the available amenities by not informing the customer that there was no water or cooking facilities, and on and on. One place I visited had added charges just for sitting in the cafe, before the customer even ordered. If I had read the reviews first, I would have been more aware and avoided the place. Some managers do not value the customer's business and will treat them with contempt, making their vacation miserable instead of relaxing, as it is intended.

For a few years I had a tea room and booked tea parties. I was so blessed never to get a bad customer, but it was partly because of my experience as a preacher's wife, knowing that if you treat people badly, you are out of business and so is your husband. To every complaint I was compliant, cheerfully offering a remedy for any known wrong, as well as not getting offended by smart remarks or innuendos; taking everything in stride and enjoying people. For the Christian, this is extremely important, because our ultimate concern is to win them to Christ. Once someone is offended, it is nearly impossible to get them interested again in the Lord and the body of people that are His disciples.

There are, however, people who are chronically rude, who drive away family members and church members by their jaded, critical remarks. The Bible says to avoid those who cause division. Sometimes we think we can work with such adults and we imagine that our own gentle ways will rub off on them, and that they will change their manners and become more like us. I have found that this is more often not the case. We would like to be valiant rescuers of those who are lost in the foolishness of this world, but it is better sometimes that the rude people learn by the impact of not being in your inner circle. I have seen many Ladies Bible Classes ruined because people insisted that certain rude women be allowed to come. After all, their soul is at stake, and Christian women would tolerate the disruptive arguing, bossing and criticising, hoping to keep them coming to Bible class and eventually "win" them. In the meantime, the person discourages others in the class who really need the fellowship, by making the session so uneasy and unpleasant. In my experience this only works if you get someone young enough to train them in good manners; someone in their formative years who will easily mold to the teachings offered.

Parents need to be careful not to let rude visitors disrupt their home lives. While all families have a certain amount of commotion and noise, sometimes unruly visitors think it is kind of enlightening to expose them to loud arguments about temperamental subjects like environment, health, politics, refinement, propriety, marriage and child-rearing. The disruption is extremely unnerving. The first time it happened in my home, I was entertaining a couple with children, and during dinner, the Mr. Guest began yelling loudly about submission and other things, making the mealtime most unpleasant. I was so stunned I responded in silence and could not eat another morsel. I did not respond back in kind, but grew more silent, until the family departed. They were never invited again, and although I never told them anything, I tried to adroitly and politely avoid them in church and other places.

This is another thing that needs to be explained: when you have found someone who is unbearably rude, you may do better not to announce to them that you find them too rude to associate with. Just do not associate with them. As a preacher's wife, I learned to be careful about saying something like that, because it would be told and re-told and it did no good to my family. It is best to be an example rather than to mouth off what you are thinking. Avoid the trouble makers and the rude people. Seek peace and pursue it, as the Bible says. It is often not even wise to work it out with such rude-mongers, because their rudeness controls them, and they cannot be reasoned with, nor are they caring about others. Just leave them alone. They will have to learn by impact, and the impact of being left alone is the best thing for them.

Rudeness is not just contained in harshness, sarcasm, mean-spiritedness or shouting. It is also sometimes cultivated by people in a subtle and quiet way. I knew a man who would never answer a greeting unless you called him by his name, first, if he was sitting with a group of people. He would never participate in conversation but was quick to correct people who spoke. He never liked pronouns or antecedents (he, she, her, him, they) and insisted that names of places and people be used at all times, even if you had to repeat the same name several times in a sentence. If you were talking about your home town and named the home town but after that referred to it as "there" or "downtown", he was apt to ask, "Of what are you speaking?" This is what I call the "teacher" person who feels an obligation to correct and teach everyone in his association. That kind of rudeness does not draw all men unto you.

I will now mention rudeness in the home. Snappy comments, impatience, and harshness will poison the atmosphere of the home, as bad food will put acid in the stomach. The husband will not acknowledge that his wife has just spoken to him, so she repeats the question or comment. He then tells her she is repeating herself. A wife will answer her husband's question but do so with a hard edge to her voice. Children talk over the end of their parents sentences, answering abruptly without waiting to hear the end of it. They often reach wrong conclusions. I remember watching a mother with her 13 year old boy whom she loved very much. She was talking to her other son about a trip they had taken before the children were born. She said how lovely a certain town was. The older boy walked in on that last sentence and assumed that the family was going to this town, and he said, "I don't want to go!" He had jumped to conclusions. The Bible talks about the fool that does not listen to a matter before he makes a judgement. Children need to be taught the art of polite conversation.

Another type of conversation flaw is not answering and not acknowledging someone when they tell you something. It is easy to be rude to a child, too, when they ask the same question many times. I hear mothers say, "I heard you! You said it three times!" I believe that is very rude. Modern parents might think it is okay for a child to refuse to come when he is called by his mother, and then respond with the same words, "I heard you! You said it three times!" but those words are just not, and never have been polite. Would you say that to a school teacher, an employer, a deacon in the church, a preacher, or someone you are doing business with? Sometimes we think our families can be treated less politely than those we meet in public, but that is not the case. True manners flow from the home, from the goodness we show to one another. Once those are practiced with our parents and brothers and sisters, they are impossible to shake, when we start dealing with the public.

Another item of rudeness which I feel must be addressed is the habit of telling-all about your family. Children should be taught that all families have faults and that they must not go around telling people that their brother or sister said a bad word (especially if they were corrected by the parents and it was taken care of at home) or that their father got mad at their mother. Sometimes young couples think it is healthy to be transparent and tell other couples all the problems they have, including financial and social and physical and who-knows what, but this is rude. I have known couples in the Lord's church who were married 60 years or more and one thing I noticed about them is that they never criticized each other to other people. They always presented the good side of one another. They did not self-criticize their family but always built them up.

There is a problem today with criticism, in that it is sometimes taught as a habit to cultivate; that every fault must be noticed and if there is no noticeable fault, one must dig until they find a sore-spot and then bring out the worst, the sordid, the shameful in a person. In the Christian life, we do not do that, and in the Christian home, we love each other and want to bring out the best in one another so we look on the good side. Parents of course, must teach their children to speak politely and behave properly; it is not criticism to train up your children or correct them. What I am speaking of is the adult habit that comes from the world and enters our homes and churches where such things ought not to be.

You can be kind and loving to people without letting them disturb you and your family. Just remember to firmly but politely decline to be engaged socially with them or to avoid too much conversation with people who are not polite. It is very bad for the nerves and for your health. One thing that benefited me was realizing that the less we say, the less trouble we get in. Most of the time you can over look rudeness. If you try to correct rude people, you get double the stress: first, the rudeness itself can shake you to your core, and then, the backlash you get from the rude person when trying to correct them. Learn to let a lot of rudeness flow over you like water off a duck's back. Avoid those which cause stress, and cultivate politeness in your life.

One thing that perhaps you might not have considered, is that the television shows and radio chat shows are full of loud rudeness and arguing. Maybe those are not good for us. I've seen women get in to arguments on some of these films, loudly trying to drown out one another's words, using smart remarks and sardonic expressions. These are not the kind of women we want to mentor us. We need to avoid them. They are not the kind of people we want our daughters and sons to be around.

Finally, when responding to what you perceive as rudeness, find out if the perpetrator really intended it. It is possible that you can react to something just because you personally feel pressure, tiredness, or your teeth on set on edge for some other reason. I have often been surprised to see two people talking when suddenly one of them blows up at the other over some sensitive, little thing. The other person is left speechless, not even knowing what he said.

In general, there is a type of rude bluntness going on in public and at home: things you would never say to your own mother when you were growing up are being said to people on the street, and to people at home. The free enterprise system will make judgements on people who are rude in business, and that is for certain. We probably do not even need to correct the public rudeness ourselves and can save our nerves. Customers will take their business elsewhere, and the rude shopkeepers and hospitality workers will be no more. Rudeness in churches is another matter, for we cannot allow a rude person to run the church members or potential church members off. Such people must be taken aside and spoken to clearly and gently. Tell them you know that they do not intend to be rude, but that their manner of speaking, pushing, their harshness, etc. puts people off and can cause harm.

Many ladies and gentlemen reading this will remember in the "old days" at the start of electronic communication, the message boards and emails. Christians quickly learned what words and phrases were designed to enflame people and cause online disagreements. It is interesting to note how people policed themselves until they got rid of the dissenters and the rude people who wanted to destroy peace and happiness of others. There was first the technique of isolating the person and not allowing them to communicate with you if they were rude on your message board or email. Eventually people began to identify signs of rudeness and potential flare ups so that they were not tempted to "friendship" the person engaged in such tactics. Today, I find the web an easier place on which to dwell, but it always helps to be vigilant on these matters. People who are careless in their manners at home will eventually take them to town and spread them around, blighting the public with them.

The result of bad manners in the home is even more severe than in any other sphere, for they infect a future generation and the bad habits are acquired and passed down, sometimes unknowingly, to the children and grandchildren.

I realize we cannot change the whole world, but I believe that we can correct our own manners and those of our family members if we implore them to present a better representation of our Saviour, Jesus Christ, to them.

I hope many will comment on this post and share experiences and insights. If you have trouble posting due to the fact I disabled anonymous comments (I had too much spam) please email me and I will paste in your comment: ladylydiaspeaks@comcast.net

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Silly Women

Tea Party by George Kilburne, from Lovely Whatevers

Someone alerted me to a blog where apparently I am the main topic. There, they demand that I explain what I meant by this or what I meant by that. I will not explain that, but I will explain something else:

From the beginning of blogging, I believed that our time and space was limited and that we should do the most good to the most people in the most time that was available to us. I love my home and family and noticed that many young girls had little or no exposure to the great possibilities in homemaking. In schools during "career day" there were many booths full of alluring literature to get girls interested in going out every day and working for a wage, but never any information offered on the advantages of being a wife, mother, and homemaker. I thought that blogging would reach more, faster, and allow me more time, without involving me having to leave the house for long periods of time.

I meant to keep the subject matter, subject matter, and avoid personally running anyone down, naming anyone, attacking any particular religious organization, criticizing any minister or woman personally, or talking about anyone on this blog. I believe the Bible says that when someone offends us, we are supposed to go to them, first. I have found, though, that sometimes people will not come to me, even though my email is visible, and will not personally tell me how I offended them. Instead, they gossip about me on their blogs. Some people have asked me to refute such talk, here, on this blog, but I always wanted the blog to have pretty pictures of homes and gardens and flowers and all that, along with some inspiring ideas to make a success of marriage, homemaking and family life.

On the sidebar, I included a section for the curious, sometimes mocking students all over the world, who seem to think I ought to be shut up, to allow them some study material so that they could be better informed before they drew conclusions about me. Having that list there has slowed down the emails full of accusations and hatred, and it also frees my time to blog about happy things. So, that is why, in spite of the urging of some of my friends to refute these silly women, I don't answer their questions daily on the blog or keep debating the same old things over and over. All the things they want to know are on the side bar and I would encourage them to study it.

I rarely go to other blogs unless they are (1) pretty, (2) creative, (3) inspiring or (4) edifying. I don't like to go places that gossip about other people, but I seem to be the subject of such gossip on one blog. I have read a lot of gossip about me by radical feminists, but what is sad is that some blogs claim to be Christian and are accusing me of being "from the pit of Hell." Personally, I have nothing against any of these people. I will not say anything personally against them nor name them, but I just wanted to thank the ones that keep their blogs clean and beautiful and free of gossip that runs down other people.

I check out my homemaking blogs occasionally and they are always nice and encouraging and am proud to have these ladies on that list because they never indulge in name calling. I know not everyone has the exact same beliefs as I do, but I appreciate it that they don't put their thoughts on the air about it. As I have said in many articles, we live in an age of letting it all hang out, telling it all, and "venting."

We are not better, for that. We are worse. From the beginning of the web, people have claimed a right to vilify me personally by name, because, they said, I was a public figure and deserved it. Well, personally, I will answer to God if I write on my blog that Mary so and so is a rotten stinker and she is from hell. I wouldn't do it even if she was a rotten stinker, because I would be sullying my own soul. I couldn't eat or sleep if I my blog's main theme was about some woman on another blog that I didn't like. I don't think it is good manners and I think it is immature.

So to sort of outline what this blog is for, is to encourage homemaking and to find ways to make it lovely. There were several books I have read over time, that have helped me, and one of them was "The Spirit of Loveliness" by Emilie Barnes. I hope that those who are engaged in debate over me, will read this book and will relax and have a cup of tea, and dress up and look as pretty as they can, and think whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, and whatever is good. (Philippians 4:8)

The Holy Spirit mentions this sort, when He says:

For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts,
Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. 2 Timothy 3:6 and 7

"
Here is part of a sermon written in 1947 by George DeHoff:
...Paul then tells us not to keep company with a railer. That simply means a man who talks too much. It means one who rails out against other people. Such a person is worse than a murderer. The church of our Lord is afflicted with people. some of them preachers, who are continually gossiping about other people. Any scandal is sweet morsel to their ears. A brother once told some scandal - lies - about a brother preacher. That preacher said, "You apologize or I'll sue you for slander." The brother said, "Oh, you'd violate the Bible law about going to law with a brother, would you? " Of course, the brother preacher was wrong in threatening to go to law, but a man ought to "put up or shut up." There ought to be some weay to stop the mouths of scandalmongers. We ought to treat them as heathen and barbarians. Indeed, they are such.


So, here is to keeping blogs lovely!