Tuesday, August 09, 2011

No Need For Nannies

The Shell
by Elizabeth Gardner Bougeureau (wife of William Adolphe Bourgeureau)
American, 1837-1922

Mother and Child
by Emile Munier

Mother and Child
by Frederick Leighton

Father's Return
by Frederick Morgan

by Edouard Boubat

Maternal Affection
by Emile Munier

My Peace
by Sterling Brown

A Mother's Joy
by Bessie Pease Guttman

by Jessie Wilcox Smith

Sweet and Low
by Jessie Wilcox Smith

Mother and Her Three Children Awaiting at the Garden Gate for Father

Playing With Baby
by Julius Berg

An Interior With a Mother and Her Child

Mother Wishes Her Two Children Goodnight

Mother Love
by Walter Langley

Three Girls Praying
by Pam McCabe
(buy at Allposters.com)
There has been a lot of scandal regarding the current trend of employing nannies in our society. What a shame that a can-do people have become so dependent on agencies, schools, nannies and babysitters to care for and raise their children.

 The artists have captured a natural picture of love that mothers have for their children. While some people think that you have to be rich in order to stay home with your children, these paintings do not depict wealthy surroundings. Doing simple, natural things, like showing something of nature to a child, holding them, and sharing the simple things in life is all that a child really needs.

Young women need to marry and have children of their own, rather than desiring to become nannies. They can then be the nanny for their own children. If young women spend too much time raising other people's children, they be discouraged from having their own children.  Mothers need to take care of their own children, because they were created for it.

  Mothers and children were made to interact with one another, and each one will mature and grow from the relationship they form with each other. It is not natural for a mother to go to work for someone else while she hires another person to look after her children.

 Mothers, won't you please stay home with your little ones?  They need you so much, and no one else will do! You are not replaceable. There is no substitute for the mother in the most receptive and teachable moments of a child's life.

I have read that some mothers who take their children to parks to play will see nannies with other people's children, and report them to their employers if they are neglecting the children in their care. Sometimes these nannies will be on their cell phones while the children are getting in harm's way in a play-park, or sometimes the nannies are just abusing the children.

 A mother may be watching this and report a nanny to the employer (the child's mother) and the employer will fire the nanny. Then, the parent will hire a new nanny. In my opinion, it would be better to talk to the child's mother and impress on her the importance of becoming the child's own nanny and being a real mother by staying at home with her child. 

 Childhood is so fleeting, and mothers should be with their children in those formative years, doing simple things at very little expense.  Women in the past have done it, with less comfort and less luxury than is available today.  Our mothers thought that raising children was their duty and their responsibility and did not want to give the job to anyone else.  There is an important influence that the mother has on her children, for she blesses them with her values and her beliefs.

Jane Austen (1775-1817)  gave a low opinion of the nanny business in her novel "Emma," where a young, single woman named Jane Fairfax referred to it as the governess-trade:

"Governess trade, I assure you was all that I had in view; widely different, certainly, as to the guilt of those who carry it on; but as to the greater misery of the victims, I do not know where it lies."

There are certainly victims in the nanny business today: the women who become nannies can be held liable for injury or death of a child. A child in the care of a nanny is denied instant access to his mother, whom he needs in order to develop normally. The mother misses out on learning about her child's needs, and misses out of course, on the "firsts" of her child: first word, for step, first tooth, first waking moment, etc.

Gwen Webb wrote in her book, "Training Up A Child" (1977, The Old Landmarks Press) of a woman who kept on working even after her husband had found adequate employment. She had left her children for years, and even though she attended worship three times a week and heard many Bible lessons, she had somehow failed to be impressed with the importance of her mission of motherhood.  In one of the Training Up A Child classes, Mrs. Webb implored the ladies  to understand what God's expectations were for them as mothers.  The woman's heart was so deeply touched, that she cried all night, and then resigned from her job with the airlines. It broke her heart to think what she had missed in all those years of leaving her children.

Later, she confessed that she was happier than ever staying home with her children and was leading a far more interesting life than she ever experienced while working away from home.

Mrs. Webb wrote in another chapter:

"No matter how highly a baby-sitting service has been assessed, it still leaves us with the fact that mother's devotion is superior to the best of child-care services."

She cited a conversation she had with a case-worker when she was adopting a child:

"Many of her professional services were rendered to juvenile court. Just a few doors away from her offices were courtrooms. As she talked, she gestured with her hands and said, 'In my judgement, the majority of the juvenile cases we deal with in the courts could be eliminated if mothers would return home.' "

Mothers have the important duty of teaching their children to believe in God and to pray and prepare for the life ahead. Who will do this if the Mother goes somewhere else for the main part of the day?  God told the Israelites in Dueteronomy 6:6-8, to teach their children as they sat in their houses, as they walked by the way, as they lay down and when they rose up:

Now these are the commandments, the statutes, and the judgments, which the LORD your God commanded to teach you, that ye might do them in the land whither ye go to possess it:

 And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.

The duty was given to the parents, not to a substitute. They were  not told to outsource their parental responsiblities. There is a lot more at stake than mere child care. A mother's presence is essential for the emotional and spiritual well-being of her children.

Post Script:   I agreed to add this from an email I received:

It is even more shocking to see women who get degrees in "child development"  and work for daycares and schools for children whose mother's work.  These girls do not want to marry or have children, but they work all day with children.  This is a bizarre twisting of the word of God, which states that young women should marry, bear children, and keep house (in that order!)  Money is at the root of it, but no amount can ever replace a childhood.

 Motherhood was once regarded in such high esteem that artists tried to capture the look and the feeling on canvas. Would any artist paint a daycare worker or a teacher with children in such a sentimental way as the paintings of Jessie Wilcox-Smith, Munier, Bougeureau, Bessie Pease Gutman, Frederick Morgan, Frederick Leighton, or Walter Langley?  Those artists seemed to get mothers and children in real poses that still occur in real life when a child leans on his mother's knees, sits on her lap, or is cradled by her.

 Money should not be the criteria in whether or not you stay home with your children. Be willing to live in something cheaper and maybe out in the country and get rid of the habit of trying to look trendy, with fancy clothes and shoes, etc. Cast aside the materialistic expectations and hold your children, read to them, talk to them as you do your housework, and notice every expression and every attitude, every movement they have.  No social worker or day care worker or nanny can possibly be that interested in your child.There is no replacement for the mother.

Mrs. Webb also wrote in her book, "Training Up A Child":

Dear Daddy and Mother,

You have been very busy getting me ready every day for school. You say that it is very important that I get an educagtion. That is why you see that TV is not turned on until I have prepared my lessons for the coming school day. That is why you see that I get to bed early to prepare my body for the physical strains of school.

Yes, getting an education is a must, to prepare one for the social demands of this life; but tonight, Daddy and Mother, when I am asleep, won't the two of you tip-toe into my room and steal a look at my sleeping face? There may be a tear on my cheek, though my cares of the departed day have gotten lost somewhere in dreamland. Look at me, and ask yourselves how much spiritual education you are you giving me...Is it more important to be a doctor than to be a Christian?...Is it more important to be a nurse than an angel of God?...What kind of person do you really want me to be? Now is the time to educate me spiritually. After I have opened the door of adulthood, it may be too late.

Please, Daddy and Mother, I need Spiritual Education too, through regular Bible study and worship.

Your irreplaceable child...

If a child has a mother who is alive, it is she who ought to be caring for him day and night, not a nanny.

I grew up in an era where mothers stayed home with their children, and made great sacrifices to do so. These dear mothers did not care about personal career satisfaction or moeny-earning abilities. They cared about their children's safety and about what was going into their minds and how they were developing as human beings. They knew that emotional bonding was very essential to the whole child.  If on occasion they had to get someone to stay with the children, it was a responsible older woman from the same community who already knew the family. The rare occasions would have been to help a sick friend, to attend a funeral, to go to the doctor or hospital themselves, or some other real emergency. These dear mothers were used to taking their children everywhere and including them in their lives. The children were so used to being with their mothers that the family could go to stores and restaurants easily and without a lot of fuss.  This is because of the bonding between parent and child.

It is possible that mothers want nannies because they see it is the way of life today. But one by one, this awful trend can be reversed. If you are thinking of getting a nanny, please try first to find homeschool mothers on the web and learn how to live at home with your children. There are many good blogs that share this wonderful plan.


Anonymous said...

I agree with your statement that posters like these should be put on the walls of young girls rooms, instead of popular music performers or movie stars. What a girl looks at in her youth can give her ideas of what she wants to be. Posters of motherhood have a better influence and lift up the soul to a kind of refinement and nobility.

Anonymous said...

If a woman has already worked outside the home, she has "been there, done that," and now needs to stay home with her baby! So many times I hear someone say "I have 6 weeks maternity leave and than I have go find a baby sitter." The needs of your child are urgent; the job you had at work outside the home is not urgent and you can be replace there. They can always hire someone else or train someone else. DOn't confuse this with the care of your child. People want you to think you can replace yourself at home by hiring a nanny, but this is not a job, its a human life entrusted to you by God. You do not have any authorized BIblical command to substitute a nanny or dacare for your own care!

Blessed Homemaking said...

I love the artwork portraying mothers with their children. There truly is no substitute for a mother. Thank you for the lovely post.

~Mrs. Q

Anonymous said...

I work at home as a wife and mother of two precious children, and I do it for all the reasons you gently pointed out.

An old friend of mine who is also a mother of three, recently called to ask me if I wanted to go out and have coffee with her so we could have a break from our kids. Both of our husbands work long hours. So we are alone quite a bit with our children. I told my friend that I would love to meet her for coffee, but that I didn't have anyone to watch my children. She responded by pointing out that there was a drop off day care right cross the street from the coffee shop. I know many mothers utilize this drop off day care service...but I was horrified. I can't even leave my one year old at the nursery during church. Why would I feel comfortable dropping of my darling baby girl with complete strangers, in a totally foreign building, surrounded by wild older children, and pay the workers less than minimum wage????!!! Never. I had to tell my friend as kindly as possible that I could never leave my children at a drop off daycare. She thought I was being a snob. Oh well. My children are my life's work.

I do enjoy date nights with my husband as often as we can manage it, but we are lucky enough to have a grandmother who comes over to watch our little ones for us.

Very encouraging. Very edifying. Thank you

Lydia said...

If children are nurtured and trained by their parents, there is no need to drop them off anywhere. They can go with the mother wherever she goes and do what she does.

Your friend can come to your house for coffee just as easily as she could go to a coffee shop. THen, her children could see how people treat each other when they are hosting a friend for coffee or tea.

Children need more home life examples, not more institutional type experiences.

It matters whether or not you "drop off" a child somewhere. Every moment counts in their development. Their minds soak up all the things you might not even know are being said. So it is better for the mother to monitor them. They can go whereever the mother goes and the mother can still relax. I've never understood why a mother wants to "get away" or "have a break" from her children, because we were taught to leave our mother alone so she could rest or do something, and we saw how she would sit and rock and read for her own pleasure or just enjoy being quiet. If children are taught to have quiet times, the mother does not need to have a break, because they give her a break by giving her peace.

Anonymous said...

The many images that go along with this post feature very healthy looking mothers. Many women today strive for a thin ideal that makes them look sick, and it is a look that is extremely hard for a woman who has had children to achieve. On the other hand, many carry so much weight they give themselves serious health problems. The women in the pictures look the way we ought to - a happy medium!

The women in the pictures also look content. It is hard to find any mother with such a look on her face these days.

Anonymous said...

One of the saddest things I ever heard was several years ago when my husband and I went to visit a couple that had just had a baby. The husband was an acquaintance of my husband, they sometimes did business together and their house wasn't too far from ours.

The wife worked and they already had one child, about 2 or 3 years old. She proceeded to tell me how she couldn't wait to go back to work and get away from her babies. I was dumbfounded. This woman made twice as much as her husband, but they lived in a small, modest home. He did have a good, stable job. She wasn't a woman that longed to be home with her babies but couldn't, she wanted to be away from them!

Later on they made some expensive additions to their home and she bought a very expensive car that probably rivaled the cost of their house. We have since moved away from that area, but I often wonder about those little ones.

It's hard for me to understand this way of thinking.


Anonymous said...

I love this post thank you!

I have a full time 'job' of raising children at home. No matter how exhausting or frustrating the day can be with small preschoolers underfoot, there is a sense of satisfaction of doing a job well done.

People say you are making a sacrifice by staying home with children. But I say you are sacrificing your own children by handing them over to insitutions and strangers.

It would be heavenly if we can come to a point where quiet time becomes a regular part of our days at home. Currently what I do is grab a few minutes here and there to have my moments of peace while the children are absorbed in their play. Hmm...I must work on this more I think...

I would really appreciate it if you could write more regarding the art of raising children at home. Your writing never ceases to inspire me--and I believe this sentiment is also shared by other ladies who have chosen this noble vocation of mothering these precious little souls at home.

Anonymous said...

I see women jogging and pushing their baby strollers. Can that be good for the baby? What happened to the quiet stroll, pushing the pram, just for the air and the outing with mother?

Anonymous said...

Nanny-ism is a practice begun by the rich, centuries ago, and now even the poorest women think they have to go to work and get a nanny for their children.

A home can be seriously undermined by a babysitter, nanny, daycare center, or a public school, just by teaching the children different beliefs than their parents, different habits, different likes and dislikes, different manners, etc. In fact, a whole nation could be subdued by state schools and daycare or nannies who have communist beliefs. I wonder what people are thinking when they pay for these day care places that are run by the state.

Lydia said...

There is a natural bond between mothers and their children, that is broken by distractions: too many friends and too much outside pressure, the pressure to have a social life, the pressure to earn money, the pressure to have "things." This, plus the pressures of the prevailing culture, can make women detached from their children. The bonding that begins at birth should be strengthened from that day forward, so that the mother will not be persuaded to part with her little ones. In the book "Wives and Daughters" by Elizabeth Gaskell, Mr. Hamley suggests that his son's widow can leave her child with him and go back to France, but Molly replies that a mother is bonded to her little one and will not part from her child.

Lydia said...

Yes it is a sacrifice to stay home and raise and teach your own children, but it is an offering of love. I do not know what is so hard about it. Women have done it for ages.

Lydia said...

to the first commenter. A few years ago I did write a post about the influence of posters on the future of young people, and suggested that the posters of the paintings of people , like the ones I show here and at Lovely Whatevers, be put in their rooms instead of the posters of the popular culture. I believe the stores like WalMart and other places should have a rack of them to look through and choose from, and that having such pictures around will make an impression on young people for the best.

Ann said...

Lady Lydia, I love the pictures you post! Where do you find them? I especially love Mother Love, I see a Mother holding her baby and her mother watching her, what a beautiful picture of Mother love across the generations! Thank you for this lovely post.

Anonymous said...

Another inspiring post. Looking at these pictures already makes me feel calmer and more at peace. Lovely!

Father's Grace Ministries said...

I love the pictures from this post, Lady Lydia. I recognized the name, Jessie Wilcox Smith. Our children have a beautiful Bible Story book illustrated by her. We are a Christian homeschooling family and care very much about the images our children focus their attention on. As well as good classic literature and Christian books, we collect children's picture books from about the time of Beatrix Potter up to the 1970s.

Lydia said...

You can go to allposters.com to get some of them and others you just look for them at athenium and wikimedia commons. I have some you can see at www.lovelywhatevers.blogspot.com. Check the archives and the subject area.

Lydia said...

To the single women considering being a nanny: I would be very happy for you to email me concerning this and other things you mentioned.

Single women run the risk of being tired of children, or not wanting to be homemakers, if they take on the work of a nanny. They get burned out and think this is the way it will be if they have children.

It does not work that way because your own children will be different. You will feel differently toward them and want to nurture them and teach them for your own sake as well as theirs.

Write me at ladylydiaspeaks@comcast.net

Anonymous said...

When you become a nanny, a babysitter or a daycare worker, you enable mothers to leave their children. The less available child care is, the more likely the mothers will care for their own children. You may think "if I don't take care of those children, the mother will get inferior care somewhere else. Her children are better off with me." In my opinion it is better to let the parents see that the public care for their children is not good, and they will be more likely to want to stay home and care for them themselves.

Anonymous said...

I remember the old post you mentioned about how pictures in the home influence children. I immediately changed out some of ours from just flower arrangement type ones to pictures that tell a story. Ones that depart a moral sentiment. I never looked at home accessories of any kind the same again. Your posts have greatly influenced our home in many many positive ways. Sarah

Anonymous said...

This site has gathered a lot of research and experiences on daycare and the effect on children:


Lydia said...

If you print any of the pictures I've featured here or on Lovely Whatevers, be sure to do it on cardstock or heavy paper (yes it will go through your printer)because regular paper is too thin and the ink will make it very wet and it will wrinkle; and then take a fine pen and write the name of the painting and the author and the dates and country somewhere near the border. You can build your own art library that way. It won't be as nice as ordering the expensive print with a frame, but it will give you what you need for your children. Frederick Morgan painted a lot of children playing innocently, if you are interested in art for children. You can write your own art book by making a scrapbook of these paintings. It does take some ink, but you can get quite a lot of printing from your printer --- more than you think. You can get inexpensive frames at the dollar stores to frame them.

Lydia said...

Yes, children spend a lot of time staring, and so it is important what you have on display in your house. Their tastes and values are developed partly from what you tell them and partly from the things they see around them. Good choice of art and other things in the home will pay off later.

Anonymous said...

The impression I got from reading Jane Austen's "Emma" was that the nanny business was like making merchandise of children, similar to what they commonly called the flesh trade. I can see how that is still true, because someone is making money when mothers will not look after children. The nanny business becomes an industry. You cannot put a price on the care of a child. Mother's care is the best because the child wants his mother. He does not care about her job or the money, he just wants his mother.

Sunny Simple Life said...

I totally agree with this post. I think no one can love your child like you do and that is how they get the best possible care.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lydia,

thank you for emailing me about this article on your blog. I have something to share about the subject of mothers working, babysitting and daycare.

When I was 15 yrs. old I started to babysit children of the women living in the apartment complex next door to my home. Every weekend these military wives would go out and leave their children with myself or a friend of mine that was the same age, until way after midnight.

Sometimes there was only a tiny newborn, but sometimes there were up to 4 little kids that I took care of. Many of the apartments were messy, with dishes in the sink, all over the stove and table, clothes piled up that needed folding and ironing and dirty little kids that all needed bathing and put to bed.

More times then not I had to bring treats from my home to feed the kids because there wasn't so much as a box of cereal, or a quart of milk for them to eat. I felt terrible putting them to bed hungry.

Babysitting didn't stop there, I went on to take care of the neighbor kids after I had my own. Sometimes up to 10 at a time. They liked coming to our house because I had a 4 yr. old they liked to play with.

Years later the neighbor women adopted the feminist ideals and started leaving home to go to work. They ridiculed me for not doing the same. Although they always asked me to watch their kids while they worked. I did it because the kids were always at my house anyway, they didn't want to stay home alone.

I did sort of feel used, but felt sorry for those little kids.
Later on I watched friends and, relatives kids and my own grand kids.

Mothers really should stay home with their own kids and not employ or ask others to take daily care of them. The kids really do want their own moms.

Thank you for this post Lydia, its encouraging to read and yes, I will share it with my new daughter inlaw.

Mrs. J.

Anonymous said...


Look at the deplorable rioting that has gone on in London and several other key English metropolitan centres over the past four nights or so. If children were raised with a clearly defined sense of right and wrong, of what is virtuous uplifting and good, could the anarchy be avoided? Now to anybody that responds to this with accusations that i do not know what on earth i am speaking about as I am not poor etc. etc., i will have you know that I was raised in a single parent household, mum, myself and my younger brother in govt. housing relying on govt. support (the UK system and that of my country are virtually identical); we were poor, Okay; my mother would wear her clothes til they were literally threadbear to ensure we could be clothed (I remember one particular winter when i had no winter clothes whatsoever so had to rely on wearing my school uniform (the bersary paid for this) even during holidays. We had only very basic amenities; no hot running water, an aged stove, a tiny house (furnished only by 'bequests' of used furniature from family and a few pre divorce things. Food was very very simple and my most vivid memory was of the cold (even in my part of the world, nights were very chilly with regular frosts and the windows icing up). All this to say that what we were raised with was a sense of self respect, of manners, of decency. My mother never lost her strong Christian faith during her all too difficult and painfully short life. It was made clearly understood that we needed to be home by dinner time, that elders in the community were to be respected, that please and thank you, politeness and behaviour were non-negotiables. The community pulled together giving both us kids opportunities because people cared for each other. It wasn't about 'stuff' it was about relationship. Those families in govt. housing without two pence to rub together have no reason for bad behaviour! decency and respect (of others and of self) costs nothing. Because my mother raised us kids herself, always there despite her many difficulties we eventually came out just fine. She'd be proud of us both and her little grandchildren. Don't palm your little ones off to institutional care or nanny - your children need you and believe you me, your presence will make a difference, especially through the tumultuous teen years. I thank god my mother made the effort and the sacrifice (and believe you me, (the welfare she did recieve was a pittence, as was the child maintenance). and this wasn't back in the 'good old days' of the pre 60's, it was during the late 70's right through until 1989! And they wonder why incidents of psychological and psychiatric conditions have exploded in children, even very little children today - its because career is king and family relationship/growth/nurture has been sacrificed upon the altar of feminism and pernitious materialism/rampant individualism masquerading as capitalism (which doesn't work anyway) !

Lydia, keep defending the family, because as goes the family goes the state, and the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world!

Some additional reading for a better way of moneytary organisation it isn't socialism either and the writer debunks accusations that it is with eloquence and logic that works regardless of one's denomination;


Rosemary UK said...

Truer words were never spoken than yours in this post.What could be more important than raising the next generation ! I had a comment that I made to this effect, removed from a BBC forum,as it was too inflammatory! What does that say about today's society.

Far Above Rubies said...

Excellent reading, Lady Lydia. I am encouraged in my role as motherhood. Thank you so much.

Anonymous said...

Regarding the riots in England: in my opinion it was part of a world plan and it was staged, but only those who do not have strong bonds and loyalties with their parents and adhere to their values, can be persuaded to do such things.

You may think that the poorer or middle class children have no nannies, but the state schools are the nannies today, doing as much damage to a child's spirit as being separated from his parents would do. They are separated in schools all day long, learning socialist doctrine, and so, what do you expect? They are doing what they were indoctrinated from childhood to do.

those who are brought up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord cannot be controlled as easily by the "nanny" or the doctrines of men.

That is why there is why the country, here or there, does not approve of home schooling. It will create rugged individualism, instead of group conformity.

Lydia said...

DId anyone hear the dumb comments of the young people who were destroying the buildings? They were blaming people for being prosperous. They were not constructing a better place for themselves, but were destroying what was there.

They needed their parents at home teaching them right from wrong; teaching them to be constructive instead of destructive.

Amy said...

I think this is so true. Even in the secular realm, there is a lot of literature out there talking about how daycare is harmful to children. I've had a lot of contact with families whose children are deemed "at risk" and one thing that the kids mention again and again is that, "Mom is never around," and that is an issue that transcends education and social class.

Lydia said...

To the lady who tried to post on BBC regarding nanny-ism:

I watched a BBC series called "Nanny", set in the early 1900's. The Nanny in this case was a woman who felt so lonely when her husband left her and divorced her, that she joined what was called "the service." She went to nanny school and trained to work for rich people who were too busy for their own children. It showed the sadness of families neglecting their children and turning the care of them over to the nannies instead. It showed the detachment of the parents. The nanny was sometimes more "progressive" in child care methods and more liberal than the parents, and in other cases was a lot more strict than the parents. She was so immersed in her nanny life that she neglected her father, a widower, and when she got a chance to marry and have children of her own, she turned it down so she could continue nanny-ing. The big problem was that she saw she was needed, but the more she did, the less the parents did. And she got so immersed in her career that she turned down the very thing that she needed: to be a mother. It is not natural to want to care for other people's children all your life, and even if it is part of your life, it helps the parents have time to do more social things that may not be the best thing for them.

Anonymous said...

Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man thou shalt not go. Proverbs 22:24

Children whose parents instill this value in them will not be rioting and burning in the streets.

However, you cannot have part parent and part nanny. If you are a good parent but your child spends the most impressionable years and most vulnerable part of the day in a nanny school (public school) you cannot expect to compete with the group values he is learning there and you cannot expect excellent results character-wise.

Lydia said...

(Referring to the riots in England and anywhere else--even here!)

Thou shalt not follow a multitude to do evil; neither shalt thou speak in a cause to decline after many to wrest judgment: Exodus 23:2

The rules of life have always been there, but parents were made to put them into the minds of their children. The state won't do it. The nanny won't do it. The daycare won't do it. The babysitter won't do it. Even if they are religious, they cannot possibly follow Dueteronomy 6 and Ephesians 6 in fully training the children.

Lydia said...

You can be beautiful without being trendy. Look at the paintings: though the mothers have no obvious jewelry and are not wearing expensive clothing, what they are wearing is soft and sweet, covers them modestly and still looks elegant. Children need that kind of image portrayed by their mothers, for it will form their future tastes and preferences in clothing and lifestyle. The hairstyles are not trendy either, but they look dignified, youthful and yet motherly.

Anonymous said...

Dear Lady Lydia--

Once again I find your post absolutely true and utterly refreshing. I find our culture repugnant on this point. A mother in the home, nurturing her own children, is so obviously natural! Our bodies and souls were designed for this noble work. What strikes me as amazing is that our culture denies this truth and rejects that it is the natural course of things, and then embraces such clearly unnatural behavior as same-sex 'marriage' and parenthood. Honestly--where has the common sense gone?

For me personally staying home makes no financial sense. As a woman with a professional degree and a six-figure earning potential, I lose money by staying home. But I can assure you that there is no amount of money in this world that could induce me to leave my children in an institutional setting, not even for a week! It is not an issue of money. It is an issue of the heart and morality and nature. The older I get and the more I see my contemporaries with their children in daycare, the firmer my resolve becomes!

I have also observed that my friends who work are used to not having their children around, so they seem eager to send them back to daycare at the end of a weekend or a vacation. They simply don't like being around their own babies! I'm with my sweet ones all day and as you suggest I have learned to find a bit of time to put my feet up and have a cup of tea and my children understand this and allow me that space. I think the attitude of today's modern mother is tragic: she rejects her natural role, returns to work quickly, is not able to nurse her baby properly, exhausts herself making money that is spent on non-essentials, feeds her family processed (&'pricey!) foods, works out at the gym to maintain a gaunt figure.....WHY?

I even have several friends who, on days off from work (teaching or professional jobs) leave their children at daycare so the mothers can shop, relax, get pedicures, etc. I'm not making this up--it's a common phenomenon amongst these professional women. Now tell me where their babies feel they rank in their mother's lives!!! Below work but also below shopping and pedicures. It is appalling.

The older I get the more passionately I feel--& my children are still young. I have the sneaking feeling that I will lose some friends over this issue at some point. Because it is never my intention to judge harshly or be rude, but it is my intention to observe and articulate what is clearly the truth. And the truth of the matter is that women need to raise their own children.


Anonymous said...

My problem with the public school system is that we throw money at schools in crime infested areas, yet they never get any better. Large percentages of the students grow up to be addicts and criminals. And where is one of the places they are first exposed to drug culture? School. Well, school and home.
We have a huge problem with illicit drugs and drug-related crimes. We have a huge sub-culture that believes it is a badge of honor to do time in prison. Young people who work hard and study are harassed, bullied, and even physically assaulted.
And while I don’t think that throwing millions into improving the public schools in those areas has worked very well, I don’t have an answer as to what will. It seems like an entire cultural shift is needed. It seems like the government is bent on helping people that will not help themselves.
Probably more so than anyone else that reads this blog, I have experience with drug users. I have come across with every type of user, abuser and addict, of both alcohol and drugs. In my mind, it is the single worst problem this country faces. There is somewhat of a movement to have marijuana decriminalized for recreational use. I think this is a terrible idea. People are under the impression that marijuana isn’t a real drug. If you think people are lazy and fat now, if marijuana is legal it will be far worse.
To sum up, I’m not going to pretend to have answers to the problem. But I think we should stop doing what doesn’t work. And it doesn’t help to keep throwing money at government school programs in areas where people only rebel against them.

Anonymous said...

Those destructive people taking part in the riots were once little children. Whatever a child is guided to be in his youth will be what he is as an adult. I do not know if the mothers stayed home with those children, but even if they did, and still sent them to public schools, their training and nurturing would have been contradicted by the socialism they learned year after year at school.

This is one reason so many people in the US have homeschooled their children.

My parents lived through 3 or 4 wars and were poor, and we were brought up poor, by today's standards, and yet not one of us ever dreamed of looting, burning or destroying because we were poor. The belief today is that people that have no hope of things improving for them, will then resort to violence, because they do not care about their lives. Yet we did not do that and we were much poorer....I can assure you we had no phone, no lights, no modern plumbing for awhile, and yet we never felt the need to destroy other people's property or cause a loss of job to anyone else.

So what I am saying is: there is a possiblility that these violent acts were orchestrated and the whole thing may have been planned by those who do not believe in free enterprise and hard work and think they are owed something free.

I grew up poor, raised by parents who lived during the two world wars, and yet neither my parents nor their children ever thought to burn down the hard work of someone else because we were poor or had no government program to entertain us. looked after, but kept them with

Anonymous said...

I know someone with a degree in child development who works at a daycare, and sends her own children to another daycare.

There is a child therapist I know who spends all day with other people's children, but sends her own to daycare.

How much sense is this making, and how much of a real family life will they have when they are all going in different directions and rarely together in the same place?

Anonymous said...

To echo something Mrs. P said:

A woman who owned a daycare facility once told me that some of the parents, who worked first shift, left their children there at 6am. After leaving work by 3pm, they would go home for some "me time", and leave their children at daycare as long as they possibly could, would come in just before closing to pick them up, only because they had to.

How can that make a little child feel? Loved and wanted or un-loved and burdensome?


Lydia said...

Women who were brought up in public schools will not develop a strong instinct for marriage and full time mothering because they are not being trained for it.

I know the mothers cheat their children of time by going home first, taking a shower, even eating supper, and then picking them up at daycare. The daycare workers complain about it all the time.

Daycare and Nannyism creates misery all around, from the workers to the children and the mothers---no one can be completely satisfied with this arrangement. there is NO substitute for a mother at home full time.

Lydia said...

An earlier commenter said that many mothers are using strollers in their daily jog, or running with a baby in a stroller. The stroller got its name from the word "stroll" which indicates a leisurely walk, not a run. I don't know if it is good for the baby or not, but it does not have the same effect as a mother really enjoying and nurturing her child. It shows an obsession with weight and figure and physical appearance. I think most people need to lose some weight, but it can be done with normal housework if they are working hard, and with normal bending and stretching in the care of children and care of house. And by the way, some people are not really pushing babies in those strollers. They use them to transport things.

Anonymous said...

I was brought up in a public school and have developed the crucial skills for marriage and mothering through the help of Jesus and mentors like Lady Lydia and her blog.

As a matter of fact all I wanted to be when I grew up was a good wife and mother. My mother was a stay at home mom until I was in high school.

She and my father divorced after my own child was a year old. I didn't have her around to mentor me at the time I needed her, but Jesus was there and his Holy Spirit lead me well.
I didn't always pay attention like I should have, but I did seek out other mothers in the church that were successful with their children for guidance and I'm happy to say today that even though I was schooled in a public school, Jesus has made the difference in my life for my marriage and family.

Married 42 yrs. to the same wonderful man! I now have the blessing of mentoring a wonderful daughter in-law who is now expecting her first baby. Jesus gets all the glory here.

Mrs. J.

Anonymous said...

Dr. Ron Federici has worked with families who have adopted children; the children may have behavioral problems because of early deprivation and abuse. When I read his book Help for the Hopeless Child, one of the out-of-control children featured wasn't adopted; he was born to a well-to-do working couple who didn't take time for him. The parents had to learn how to develop a relationship with him.

From what I remember, during the first level the child was to stay within three feet of one of the parents until the goals for that level were met. It was an intense process.

Anonymous said...

I found religion late in life, after I had children. I was not raised with any religion at all. While I went through a teaching program to enter my church, I don't know how to teach a child at home about religion. I feel if I pray with them, I am "pushing" it on them and I don't want them to rebel. Any religion is more than I was raised with and so it feels like just going to church with my children and having them in religious education once a week for an hour is doing a lot. I just don't know how to really have a Christian home life for my children and the time is passing by quickly. Can you possibly recommend some basic things I should do or books that might help for someone in my situation? I don't feel comfortable asking anyone at church and we are still surrounded by family members who do not have any religious affiliation. If anything, they are critical of our attempts and see our lifestyle as a rejection of theirs. Thank you.

Lydia said...

At the moment I can not think of very many books to recommend. The Bible, and Pilgrim's Progress are both good. There are modern versions of Pilgrim's Progress that you can read aloud and explain to your children. If you take the book of Proverbs and read a few verses each day from the beginning to the end and explain them to your children, they will provide an excellent religious education. After that, take other books of the Bible and study them. Know the difference between the Old Law and the New Law, and the significance of "types" in the Old Testament compared to the New, and study figures of speech in the Bible too. The King James version is a beautiful work of art itself, and you can get an English/Greek translation to follow that shows how closely the New testament tranlation is to the Koine Greek. I would suggest also Adam Clark commentaries, which you would use to look up any verses you study. Read what is understandable in commentaries like these to the children and they will have a good religious education. Matthew Henry is also a commentary you might include in your reference book collection. Youngs Analytical Concordance gives the different meanings of the same words and breaks them down into verbs, adjectives, nouns, etc. It gives meanings of names of people and places in the Bible, too.

The best religious education you can give your children is around the dining room table reading the Bible together or reading it to them.

You can enjoy using a map book to find the location of things you are reading about.

You can keep scrapbooks and notebooks of your own BIble study program with the flowers, animals, plants, mountains, rivers, and bodies of water in the Bible, or you could have fun writing down in a notebook the common expressions in the BIble, as you read it through, that are still used to day (skin of your teeth, holier than thou, hem of the garment, etc)

Make it enjoyable by finding food that was common at the time or looking up the kinds of metals and jewels, cloth, building materials, and so forth, and keeping a scrapbook and notebook to record these things.

I always wish I had time to make a workbook that would include all these things but children grow too fast, so I never did it. But any mother can help her child begin a Bible study notebook with different categories that will help them in their spiritual education.

You might also study proverbs for the consequences and rewards of foolish and wise behavior. Study the main characters of the Bible like Adam, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Noah, Moses, Daniel, Amos, Elijah, Nehemiah, Jesus, Paul, Peter, Timothy, etc. and note the things most worthy about them. Study the women of the Bible and their strengths and weaknesses and draw lessons from them. Find things about the times they were living in, and what was happening in the world at the time. YOu can order reproductions of old time-lines of the Bible that show these things.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous at 5:45 PM: your family could take turns saying a short grace before meals.

If your children are younger, for each child at bedtime you could say a short prayer for that child, including thankfulness for that child, and end with a blessing, as in 2 Cor. 13:14. If the bedtime prayer is given in love, I would think it would help the child feel loved, not pushed upon.

For younger children, you can read a simplified version of the Bible; there are many picture Bibles for children. If you have a Christian bookstore you can see which one you like. I like the Golden Children's Bible from Golden Press.

There are Christian books of conversions and missionary stories to be shared.

The Upper Room has a short daily devotional and it is online - http://devotional.upperroom.org/

Also, as Lydia points out, we minister to our families by how decorate. Some homes have a painting of a Bible scene or a Scripture verse.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the thoughtful suggestions on teaching children. I will definitely use the information and the resources you listed. It was kind of you to put so much thought into your response to my inquiry.

Sarah said...

I just wanted to say that I love your blog. Your posts are always an encouragment to me in my future calling as a wife, mother, and keeper at home(if it is the Lord's will for me.) Love in Christ, Sarah

Anonymous said...

Dear Lady Lydia,

I see that you are going to do a post about unmarried women, and I'm so glad!

I was wondering if you would discuss different life situations of the unmarried woman-- for instance, if she has to live on her own or if she lives at home. This seems like a vulnerable time of life, and I wonder what options are available besides living at home (if that is not possible).

Also, do you have suggestions of how she can go about meeting a husband? I have noticed that some people say that an unmarried woman should simply wait, trust, and have faith that her husband will show up. It seems, however, that there is also a practical aspect of setting the scene for this to happen.

You have already discussed both these topics in some depth, but perhaps there are others who are also eager for even more details, if those topics appeal. If not, please don't worry about it.

Thank you!

Anonymous said...

This is a response to the lady that commented that she couldn't believe a new mom was so anxious to get back to work and get away from her kids...From the ladies that I have seen that don't really care for mothering or don't want children it is because they are SELFISH. These comments just reveal how selfish their hearts are! A selfish person would hate serving and caring for another person day in and day out. That is why they don't want children or don't want to stay home and care for them.

The ladies who love mothering the most are the most unselfish and giving mothers. The love they have for caring for their children- reveals that they have very unselfish hearts.

Whether we like mothering or not- reveals what is in our hearts. And even selfish people, can become very giving and unselfish, by choosing to serve their children, husbands and families!

And to respond to the one comment- where the daycare mom's when they get a day off- like to go shopping or get their hair done...My mom had a daycare and this happened ALL the time! It was a big pet peeve of my moms- that these ladies didn't even want to spend their time off with their children. So SAD!!! It also made me sad that some of the very little kids called my mom "mom", as they thought my mom was their mom, since their real moms were gone from them so much. I could never imagine having my young child confused over who their mother is- I guess they think it is the one who cares for them day in and day out.

Anonymous said...

Another question for you Lady Lydia or an article topic that would be much appreciated....I grew up going to public schools and I feel like it messed up my social skills. It was a culture where only your friends mattered and was very selfish- like the most important thing in the world was what was happening to you and your friends- like what clothes you wore, what boys you liked or were dating.

Since that time I became a Christian, am a SAHM and homeschooling mother. How do I teach my children to have pure and godly friendships? And what role should friendships have in our children's lives? I don't want my kids to be undersocialized or over socialized...trying to figure out a good balance. And is it that important for preteens and teens to have lots of friends? How much time did your children spend with other children and in what type of environments? I know you have written a few times that children need their parents, not peers and I loved that! I would love more encouragement on proper socializing of our children (from a godly perspective!)

Anonymous said...

"It is even more shocking to see women who get degrees in 'child development' and work for daycares and schools for children whose mother's work. These girls do not want to marry or have children, but they work all day with children."

Many have been socialized to think that the thing to do is move in with a boyfriend, which they do. Because the boyfriend is not financially, emotionally, or in other ways supportive the way a husband can be, the women are stranded, isolated, on their own.

Their good instincts for motherhood are there, but they cannot channel them properly because they have fallen into an economic trap. They are in debt, and often they become single mothers.

Because their friends are in the same situation, they don't even realize that they could have arranged their lives completely differently. They follow the expectations; they do what everyone else seems to be doing, and they are so sad inside. They know their lives are not what they are meant to be, but they don't see examples of how life could be different. It's just taken for granted that that's how life works.

I know it seems odd that women don't even realize that they could marry and have children, but I really think that many don't even know that this possibility still exists. This generation of young people hasn't really seen that as an example. They are the children of the feminist movement. With the marriage rate so low and divorce rate so high, marriage seems like a luxury and something you can do only if you are very fortunate.

The funny thing is that women now are conditioned to think that staying home is selfish, and that having children is selfish because it leads to overpopulation .....

Thank you so much for this beautiful post.

Anonymous said...

My younger son has autism, and to my shame I missed the warning signs during his babyhood and toddler years. I worked as a nursery school teacher and was so focused on keeping my husband, students, and boss happy that I took my easy baby who was content to play quietly at my feet for granted. Another teacher who was the mother of a child with autism finally took me aside and told me I needed to have my son tested for a developmental delay. I quit working soon after this. I was furious at myself for the time I spent working on lesson plans and projects for other people's kids while neglecting the needs of my own children. Both my children are happier and healthier and our family life is much saner. My husband constantly asks me when I will return to work, but I know that I belong at home and I intend to stay here.

Janettessage.blogspot.com said...

You wrote my husband and my conversation this morning as I was expressing my concern over seeing more and more Christian women choosing not to raise their children and more Christian young women becoming Nannys....As a stay at home mom of 28 years, and still parenting a 15 and 5 year old I would never go back and do it any different...we gave up a lot of material items, but I have always been my child's care giver.

Thanks for the post.

Anonymous said...

I had to work when my child was a toddler. The owner of the home daycare I used told me one day that I was the only parent she'd ever had who picked her child up immediately after work. I just can no relate--I thought about my child ALL DAY, and couldn't wait to reunite as soon as possible!

Anonymous said...

My sister would go shopping or get her nails done before picking her children up from daycare. Many times, she didn't even make it by the cut-off time, and had to pay a late fee for not picking them up by closing time. She was deaf to me...it made me sick for her children.

Lydia said...

I believe that leaving your children creates an emotional detatchment in either the children or the parents or both. The mothers that did not come to fetch their children before closing time, often would go grocery shopping first or get their hair done. Mothers should be anxious to see their children.

Many mothers are glad to see their children go to school when school starts up again, because they cannot stand the way they behave. Women are capable of living at home with their children, and homeschooling them, without growing tired or irritated at them. In fact, they can grow in love and bonding towards them. But it all hinges on how they train their children to behave. The Bible says to correct your child and he will give you peace. If you do not teach your children to behave themselves, be occupied in something creative and useful, and to be aware of the needs and feelings of others, they will not be pleasant to be around. Some children give their parents no peace, and that is one reason the parents get sitters or nannies. If the children were taught to cooperate and work alongside the parents, or do whatever they are doing, the parents and the children are wrought together as one unit of family, and function together quite productively.

Tell you children what to do and make them follow you around and keep them busy so that they will not be destructive or disturbing in the home, and then you will not have a desire to farm them out to someone else during their formative years.

Anonymous said...

Lady Lydia,
We're not sure if this is the proper place to ask these questions but believe it is an important topic that needs addressing.

~What is the role of the grandparents in their childrens' lives?
~Are there "rules" of etiquette to follow? ~What is expected of grandparents?
~Are grandparents expected to drop by unannounced or wait for an invitation?
~Are grandparents expected to move closer to the children to help them?
~Should grandparents freely offer their advice or help - or wait until it is asked for?

Thank you,
D and L (fairly new to grandparenting - our oldest grandchild is 4)

Lydia said...

Someone emailed me and offered these possible answers.

1. Don't expect any thing from new parents. Loss of sleep can make them aversive to company.

2. Invite them to your house, and if you do not get an invitation to visit them, send a package, and include a note that they can call you any time and when they want you to come to see them, to please let you know.

3. Let them know they are welcome to come and see you and name the days and times that are best.

4. Wait til they say 'I wish we lived closer so you could help'. Just send help in the form of care packages and food in the meantime.

5. It is not out of order to drop by but you should call first and see if it is okay.

6. It mostly depends on the relationship you have with the couple.

7. Daughters tend to want their mother's nearby.

Lydia said...

You are right; it is an important subject. I am sure there are rules of ettiquette about these things, but I think personally that different families do things differently and it is varied. Some couples get offended if you dont visit and others if you do. Some want to be more independent and don't want the grandparents nearby, and others do. It would be a matter of feeling things out and learning about their likes and dislikes, and would likely make a nice topic for a future post.

Lydia said...

You are right; it is an important subject. I am sure there are rules of ettiquette about these things, but I think personally that different families do things differently and it is varied. Some couples get offended if you dont visit and others if you do. Some want to be more independent and don't want the grandparents nearby, and others do. It would be a matter of feeling things out and learning about their likes and dislikes, and would likely make a nice topic for a future post.

Anonymous said...

I'm a single mother (escaped from a domestic abuse situation) of a wonderful one year old. I can't stand the idea of putting him in daycare so that I can work. But I have to work to support us. I found that I was able to be a teaching assistant for an online university. Although the pay isn't much, it is enough to get us through right now. I am able to work on the computer during the baby's naps or during his playing alone time. I hope other single mothers out there find solutions that work for them.


Lydia said...

I agree that the internet gives us new opportunities to do things a different way. These days with the web, it is almost archaic to "go to work" when so much of it can be done online. I feel the same way about education and many other things that separate the mother and the child. Not that we will be completely isolated, but that we can now choose what we want to do, when, with whom, and how much time we want to spend away from home. The web is a perfect solution to many financial problems.