Friday, February 10, 2006

Encouragement request



The lady I spoke of who has been married 34 years, who is being sued for divorce, really needs our encouragement, and so does her husband. She is trying to save the marriage. If anyone has anything to say that might help, please post it, either to husband and wife or both. I'll print it and give it to them. I've heard of a lot of marriages that have recovered from the threat of divorce, and I have hope that this one will.

Thanks so much,
Lydia

15 comments:

Lady Lydia Speaks said...

Please pray, also.

Mrs.Garcia said...

My Family and I will be praying for this family.

Anonymous said...

http://www.modestyzone.net/contributions/18-cheers-for-marriage-fox.htm

J.D. Ogden said...

I would like to assure all readers that THERE IS HOPE FOR A MARRIAGE THAT OTHERWISE SEEMS COMPLETELY SHATTERED.

My husband and I were on the brink of divorce due to his infidelity. At the time I was pregnant, retained a lawyer, was trying to mend a broken heart, coping with my husband's hostile behaviour towards me during the divorce process and lost all hope for us.

After much personal reflection, continuous prayer and scripture reading I decided that I WAS GOING TO FIGHT FOR THIS MARRIAGE AS HARD AS I COULD before accepting defeat. In addition to taking the time to be guided by the Holy Spirit, I found one particular website and that provided books and information that ultimately assisted in our reunion.

Please visit www.marriagebuilders.com
Dr. Harley is a pure optimist when it comes to marriages. He also offered me a greater understanding of the nature of our relationship and how to approach POTENTIALLY EXPLOSIVE issues with my spouse.

Two years later, my husband and I are still married. The divorce papers were scrapped. We are happier than we ever have been together. We are more sensitive to one another and our baby daughter has both of us under the same roof.

The following poem also offered me strength during the loneliest time of my life:

IN THE VALLEYS I GROW
Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It's then I have to remember
That it's in the valleys I grow.

If I always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
And would be living in vain.

I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow
Sometimes I need the mountain tops,
But it's in the valleys I grow.

I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.

My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan's loss.

Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys I grow.

Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.

Thank you for the valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But its in the valleys I grow!

-by Jane Eggleston

May you find comfort in the Saviour during this difficult time in your life. I did.

J.D. Ogden

Lady Lydia Speaks said...

I've checked these sites out and they are excellent for supporting marriage when it is threatened. One of the most common things I've heard is, "That marriage is dead. She should move on with her life." I think this is bad advice. It comes from counsellors, lawyers, and even ministers. Tsk, tsk.

Angharad said...

Marriage Builders is a good program. Two of my friends used it and are happily married years later.

Couple of other thoughts:

If he's already moved out, it will be harder to get him to sit down and discuss issues. She should try to get an intermediary to get them together for discussion. Is there a person they both know and trust who could be co-opted to apply polite pressure to the husband? Ideally, if they are religious, a pastor or elder in the religious community. Otherwise, a close friend of the family could be a good choice. Someone to whom they BOTH feel accountable.

For BOTH parties:
You can't make the other person change. He or she may change, but you can't force the change. YOU make the first change, whether or not you want to, whether or not you think it's fair. Listen to the other person without arguing, without criticizing, and actually HEAR what his or her problem is. Find something you can change to make things better and do it.

If you have children at home, they are NOT to be used as talebearers, messengers, or as confidantes. I've been in this position (fortunately, my parents resolved their problems and remained happily married), and can assure you that a child is not mentally or emotionally prepared to be your marriage counselor or the person you tell your problems to. If the kids have questions, tell them only as much as they need to know.

For the wife ONLY:
Your behavior is important. The threat of divorce is a shocking event, and your natural response will be grief, anger, etc. However, if you let all this out at your husband, it will only reinforce his decision. Who wants to be married to a hysterical, angry woman? Act toward him at all times like someone he would WANT to be married to--someone who is kind, attractive, polite, genuinely interested in him and genuinely wanting to make him happy. I know this is a heavy burden to take on, especially since YOU feel like the wronged party, but it is absolutely necessary if you want him to see you as someone he'd like to be with. Continue to keep the house neat and welcoming as well--if he comes by for any reason, you want him to remember it as a happy, warm, place--the sort of place he'd be a fool to leave.

Even if he's absolutely determined to get a divorce, your behavior is important. He may use any wacky behavior as grounds to get a better deal for himself. Thus: No screaming, wailing, threats or hysteria. No stalking behavior. No late-night hysterical phone calls. ABSOLUTELY NO UNACCOMPANIED MEN AT THE HOUSE (this INCLUDES pastors, lawyers, brothers-in-law and family friends)! Let him see the children unless there's reason to believe he will endanger them. No hiding, stealing, destroying or hoarding of marital property (you are of course entitled to use marital property as necessary for your and the children's support). No throwing away or burning of his prized Gibson guitar or favorite book.

If he's actually filed papers, get a lawyer NOW, well in advance of the due date for any answers, submissions, or hearings. The county bar referral service will give you a list of lawyers with cheap initial consultation fees. Bear in mind it takes at least 2 weeks to get a lawyer and get your answers prepared. You absolutely DO NOT want to let any decisions be made without your input or for the court to decide the divorce is uncontested because you didn't answer the pleadings!! Besides, a lawyer may be able to help you a)postpone the process and get more time to work on fixing the marriage; b)get your husband into counseling; and c) in the worst case, ensure that you and the children get the support you are entitled to.

Donna said...

This website and the material available through them may help your friend.

http://www.restorem.org/cgi-bin/index.cgi?page=index

I will be praying too!

Debbie said...

I will be praying for this family as well.

kapil kaisare said...

I wonder how the husband can claim that he is seeking happiness. He spent 34 years with a woman who loves him; that's 34 years of memories that are no longer valid because he now seeks closure. How can he be happy with that?

Mrs.B. said...

What a fabulous poem!

I don't really know what to say except that I hope and pray that their marriage is saved. I can't imagine spending 34 years with someone and then just throwing that all away. The problem with divorce or 'moving on' is that the same problems 'move on' with you. The grass is NOT greener!! The Bible says that when we marry we become 'one flesh'. Divorce rips the flesh apart, leaving a wound. Yes, the wound heals but it always leaves a scar behind that never goes away.....

I don't know if they have any children but adult children feel the pain of divorce too. Divorce is like an explosion....wounding the ones closest to you. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE stay together!

Lady Lydia Speaks said...

No-fault divorce is a totally unconstitutional law that the courts have taken and run wild with. No business or any other court case could be "no-fault." Under this law, it only takes one person to get a divorce--you don't have to have the knowledge or the agreement of the other person--you don't even have to notify the other person. It is a cowardly way of escaping from an agreement. Fortunately, you don't have to be a "real lawyer" to challenge things like this in court. You just have to spend hours and hours of time reading and researching to get ready to challenge such a case. Even after a divorce is granted, the couple gets 30 days to challenge it.

Thanks for all the inspiring advice, which I've sent on. There are signs that good things are happenning in this case.

Anonymous said...

Hi,

I don't usually post here. I did once but forgot my password. I hope this is helpful and okay to post. I attended church this morning and we had a special guest. His name was Dr Jim Talley.
He is a marriage counselor. The title of his message was "Declaring War on Divorce" It was excellent. He said he loves to help the most difficult cases. He stated if we knew anyone who was having difficulty with their marriage they could visit his website at drtalley.com.

I love your blog and read regularly.
In His love,
Victoria W, from California

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to this lady and I would like to say this to her:

If you belong to the Lord, there is always hope even for the worst marriage situation or the worst husband! I have read a true account of how a terribly difficult marriage became wonderful only because the wife was godly and treated her husband with respect, showed him love, submited to him and honored him. She didn't try to preach to him but did her best to trust God and cheerfully serve her husband. Debi Pearl writes about this in her book, Created to Be His Help Meet. This wife was a personal friend of hers. The husband was a cursing, tobacco and pornography-using, physically dirty and unkempt man. She eventually not only won his respect but he also got saved and now they have a happy Christian marriage together. I don't know, of course, the details of your situation, but this is an example that can give hope. Your attitude can make all the difference. I would say to contact your husband and tell him that you really want to be a good helper to him and a wife that would make him happy. Don't bring up his faults or make him feel condemned, just ask forgiveness for any faults of yours if you are aware of any, and do your best to win him back. Try to appreciate the smallest thing that can be honestly appreciated about him. Don't give in to a 'poor me' attittude and act like a victim, pitiful, discouraged, sickly. Commit this to the Lord and try to be lovely, smiling (in spite of the pain I know must be there in your heart), attractive, vulnerable. Is spite of this act of suing for divorce, he still is the same man who married you 34 years ago and surely there are things about you that he must still love.

And please don't think your husband is not worth the effort of trying to win him back (even if you had to 'fight' with another woman for him), because he is the guilty party. "Once a man comes to his senses and sees how close he came to losing all that he holds dear, he will be profoundly thankful to the good woman who loved him through his foolishness. She will win his respect as well as his love, because he will know that she is the kind of woman who will stand by her man." (Debi Pear, Created to Be His Help Meet)

Whatever you do, please don't criticize your husband to your children no matter how entitled you might feel to do so, that can really harm them even if you and your husband succeed in reconciling.

I'm sorry if this is too much advice, I wish I could help you more. I'll pray for the situation.

Here is a poem I found:

Father, my life is in tangle,
Thread after thread appears
Twisted and broken and knotted,
Viewed through the lapse of years.

I cannot straighten them, Father;
Oh, it is very hard;
Somehow or other it seemeth,
All I have done is marred.

I did not see they were getting
Into this tangled state;
How it has happened I know not -
Is it too late, too late?

Is it? "Ah, no!" Thou dost whisper,
"Out of this life of thine
Yet may come wonderful beauty
Wrought by My Power Divine."

Take then, the threads, O my Father,
Let them Thy mind fulfill,
Work out in love a pattern
After Thy holy will!

(Charlotte Murray)

The Savior can solve every problem,
The tangles of life can undo,
There is nothing too hard for Jesus,
There is nothing that He cannot do.
(Oswald J. Smith)

I had to post this as 'anonymous' since I am not a blogger, but my name is Brindusa (means 'Crocus'). Here I am, someone from Romania, praying for you. Who knows who else might be praying for your situation too. Pray and trust the Lord and do all you can without giving up!

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to this lady and I would like to say this to her:

If you belong to the Lord, there is always hope even for the worst marriage situation or the worst husband! I have read a true account of how a terribly difficult marriage became wonderful only because the wife was godly and treated her husband with respect, showed him love, submited to him and honored him. She didn't try to preach to him but did her best to trust God and cheerfully serve her husband. Debi Pearl writes about this in her book, Created to Be His Help Meet. This wife was a personal friend of hers. The husband was a cursing, tobacco and pornography-using, physically dirty and unkempt man. She eventually not only won his respect but he also got saved and now they have a happy Christian marriage together. I don't know, of course, the details of your situation, but this is an example that can give hope. Your attitude can make all the difference. I would say to contact your husband and tell him that you really want to be a good helper to him and a wife that would make him happy. Don't bring up his faults or make him feel condemned, just ask forgiveness for any faults of yours if you are aware of any, and do your best to win him back. Try to appreciate the smallest thing that can be honestly appreciated about him. Don't give in to a 'poor me' attittude and act like a victim, pitiful, discouraged, sickly. Commit this to the Lord and try to be lovely, smiling (in spite of the pain I know must be there in your heart), attractive, vulnerable. Is spite of this act of suing for divorce, he still is the same man who married you 34 years ago and surely there are things about you that he must still love.

And please don't think your husband is not worth the effort of trying to win him back (even if you had to 'fight' with another woman for him), because he is the guilty party. "Once a man comes to his senses and sees how close he came to losing all that he holds dear, he will be profoundly thankful to the good woman who loved him through his foolishness. She will win his respect as well as his love, because he will know that she is the kind of woman who will stand by her man." (Debi Pear, Created to Be His Help Meet)

Whatever you do, please don't criticize your husband to your children no matter how entitled you might feel to do so, that can really harm them even if you and your husband succeed in reconciling.

I'm sorry if this is too much advice, I wish I could help you more. I'll pray for the situation.

Here is a poem I found:

Father, my life is in tangle,
Thread after thread appears
Twisted and broken and knotted,
Viewed through the lapse of years.

I cannot straighten them, Father;
Oh, it is very hard;
Somehow or other it seemeth,
All I have done is marred.

I did not see they were getting
Into this tangled state;
How it has happened I know not -
Is it too late, too late?

Is it? "Ah, no!" Thou dost whisper,
"Out of this life of thine
Yet may come wonderful beauty
Wrought by My Power Divine."

Take then, the threads, O my Father,
Let them Thy mind fulfill,
Work out in love a pattern
After Thy holy will!

(Charlotte Murray)

The Savior can solve every problem,
The tangles of life can undo,
There is nothing too hard for Jesus,
There is nothing that He cannot do.
(Oswald J. Smith)

I had to post this as 'anonymous' since I am not a blogger, but my name is Brindusa (means 'Crocus'). Here I am, someone from Romania, praying for you. Who knows who else might be praying for your situation too. Pray and trust the Lord and do all you can without giving up!

Mrs.B. said...

Hi Brindusa! I forget that people all over the world are reading the same blogs I do, how cool! I, too, gleaned quite a bit of good advice from "Created To Be His Helpmeet".

BTW, you don't have to have a blog to sign up with blogger....I don't have a blog but signed up so that I had a name instead of having to use 'anonymous'. God Bless!

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