For Better, For Worse

Le Dispute By Frederick Kaemmerer




(Dutch, 1839-1902)

Every marriage has bright times and dim times. Before the therapists, before the counsellors, before the no-fault divorce laws, before advice columns, before "self-help" and pop-psychology, the down-times were considered the "for-worse" part of the marriage, and taken in stride. When the "worse" happened, it was a time to apply the medicine from the marriage manual, found in the Good Book.

Some of these scriptures are:

Ephesians chapter 5

Colossians 3:19

Titus 2

1st Peter 3:1-7

Of course there are many more examples, inferences, and direct commands found in the Bible regarding marriage, but these few will suffice for the sake of illustration.

Common complaints in marriage are:

1. The husband is not taking some responsibility that is his.

2. The husband seems discontent and ungrateful at home.

3. The husband is critical.

Many women read sermons and articles that say a man should be the "spiritual leader." Most young men are not taught to fill such a big order. It is one of those learn-as-you-grow attributes that they develop during their marriage. Ist Corinthians 13 provides the perfect law to follow when someone else is not behaving the way they should: Just be kind, patient, and unselfish. Sometimes it will seem that the wife is giving more than her fair share of forbearance, but instead of looking at how much each person is "giving," it would be better to give your 100% in marriage and ignore the failings of the other person. That way, you can at least have a clear conscience that you are doing what you are able to do.

Men also need to understand that women enter a learning situation when they marry. Some wives will not have had the benefit of growing up with a mother at home who shows the example. Occasionally a husband will expect a wife to be able to manage perfectly at home without feeling lonely or discouraged, and without needing them to support them emotionally. To add to her burden, a man may adopt the world's belief that his obligation to his wife and family stops with providing a living. He may be neglecting the real needs of his family, thinking that once he has paid the rent and provided food, he has done enough. He may be complacent about his family, the very people that he has spent entire days earning money for.

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Then, there are those who may criticise their wives. More often than not, men who do this, are not getting the ideas all by themselves. The modern work place provides fertile ground for talk and gossip about what every employee is doing and what their mates are also doing. The most common question asked of a fellow employee is "Where does your wife work?" The husbands of homemakers can be made to feel inferior because their wives are are not employed outside the home. Women at work may ask these men how in the world they can survive without their wives getting a paycheck also. Relatives may also be adding fuel, by commenting to the husband that his wife is "crazy."

These are just a couple of things that may unsettle the women at home. She notices it because she is dedicated to her family and sensitive to the atmosphere at home. Her dream is to have a happy and successful home. This happiness is dependent on the family being cooperative in that dream; by honoring the mother and respecting the homemaker. While the husband may provide the money for furnishings, it is the wife who creates comfort from them. Her role must not be demeaned.

Sometimes these attitudes come home to roost and the wife doesn't know what is going on. She only knows that she is being put-down and criticised and she can't figure out what she is doing that is bringing on this disapproval. Where ever the attitudes are coming from, and whatever they are, they are a result of lack of faith. God's word clearly allows women to be home minding their own business, and gives the men the responsibility of providing for their families. There will be those who will cast doubt on this system, because they have not lived it long enough to understand how it can be successful.

In the face of such unbelief, the wife can find relief in the scriptures addressed to the wife of an unbeliever. Of course, your husband may be a "believer" and even go to church with you, but he may suffer unbelief about certain things. In living with unbelievers, God instructs them to conduct themselves in a Christian way. (Ist Peter 3:1). The conversation (defined as "conduct") of the wife will go a long way to converting the unbeliever. There are always little areas of doubt in people's lives, that are quickly put to rest when they see the good results.

A man may not understand homeschooling, for example, but when he sees that his children are better behaved and more honoring toward him, and that they have a better grasp of language and reasoning, he may come around to believing that it is the best way. (That is just an example. This is not an article on the pros and cons of home schooling.) Another example could be in the area of home grown food or home made bread. Maybe a husband does not see the value of it but when it is proven to him by a delicious meal, he is won over. This is partly what Ist Peter 3:1 means when it says that the husband may be "won" by the good conduct of his wife.

So then, the unbeliever in the case of the wife being at home, will be won by the example of the wife and the good conduct of the wife. She cannot neglect her home. She cannot be out running around with girlfriends or spending money on entertainment, and she cannot give up her job at home and let it all fall apart when the unbeliever comes home with a discouraging word.

The unbeliever will be watching his wife. If she complains about the home, acts upset or discontent, and lets her appearance "go" he will conclude that homemaking is not a worthwhile job and that she should be out working for wages. It is important, therefore, that the wife make a believer out of him. She will not have to talk him into believing. She will not have to argue with him. She only has to follow First Peter 3:1.

This will be a long-term effort, that may not pay off until a little time has passed. I have seen husbands who were dubious and even critical about certain aspects of home life. The wife patiently stayed steady on her course of keeping the home, improving it, guiding the children, and creating a wonderful atmosphere for herself and her family. When I say "patiently" I mean that she saw it as a goal that would be fulfilled later on in life. She knew it would bring both she and her husband a great deal of happiness and success later on in life. Years later when others began asking him the secret of his good marriage and beautiful home life, he would say that he supported his family so that his wife could be the guide of the home. He forgot the roadblocks he put in her way and saw only the good report she had brought on them.

Although our husbands are not "enemies" they may reflect the attitudes and words of others who doubt the value of the home. Therefore, you can apply the example of doing good to your enemy, and feeding him when he is hungry. Sometimes arguments and grumpiness occur right after a husband comes home from work, and are a result of low-blood sugar and lack of rest. Sometimes they are believing things they have heard. Sometimes they suffer from peer-pressure. Sometimes they are distracted and have lost their way. Women at home can apply these scriptures to their own lives and make a big difference in the lives of their husbands and children.

In the midst of the construction and household upheaval (floor and walls, etc) that seems to be ever present in my own home, people have often asked me how I keep from going bonkers. That is a term that means you have lost your mind. Word around my home is that I do not go "bonkers," I go "Bollywood." I have watched some of the films from India that were made in the 1960's and 1970's, and found some of them to have the timely values that were once very present in marriages in this country.

One film, which literally translated, means "Heaven and Hell," showcased three married couples. One couple was very happy. One was outwardly happy, and the third was deeply troubled. Throughout the film it showed how the women made a difference in the outcome of their marriages, by working the power that they had within them to change things.

In one example, a woman tore apart her own marriage by suspicion and retaliation. Another woman had a husband with bad character, but she stayed with him and kept to her duties at home. Eventually her example helped him to come to his senses. Another husband did not seem to have a reliable way of earning a living, but his wife had faith in him, and did not worry. In the end, words on the screen stated that a wife had the responsibility of creating a good home life for her husband. It said that marriage could be Heaven, or it could be Hell. While watching these ending words come across the screen, I could imagine the ridicule such a film would have been received by feminists in this country. It probably would have been banned before was even broadcast. Yet, it contained the same things that our people were taught in past centuries; things our preachers used to preach in sermons, that made marriages successful.

If you know anyone in this kind of situation, they may have trouble grasping the long-term idea that I have presented here, so I will give a few short-term things that are very helpful in a tense situation.

1. Consider the source of the criticism. It could be coming from a news report that the sky is going to fall if your wife is not employed outside the home. It could be coming from a friend or relative that has spoken a few negative words about you, or it could be coming from the workplace, where there could be some jealousy that you are at home while they have to "work."

Most marriage problems come as a result of things outside the marriage. If you are doing what you are supposed to do at home, and he is doing what he is supposed to be doing by working by the sweat of his brow to earn his bread, there shouldn't be any major problems. Most of the things that upset a marriage will come from somewhere outside of the marriage--the media, or pressure from other sources. He may be in debt and you do not know the extent of it. Then, he confides in someone at work about the stress, and they, in turn, will offer a solution--to send the wife to work outside the home. You may not have done anything wrong at all. Your husband may be just assaulted by ideas from all sides; ideas that make him doubt your worth as a homemaker.

2. Have company. This always provides some kind of relief if you sense you are going to have another night of disagreement on the subject. Remember in "Wives and Daughters" that Mrs. Hamley told Molly something like , "Mr. Hamley is so angry, and that is why your being here is such a relief." People are less likely to attack or argue or blow up if there is company present. They do not want to give a bad impression to guests. Company offers the couple a chance to get outside of themselves and serve someone else. It puts some normality into the situation when you have to sit down to tea or a meal.

3. When you feel you are being disrespected, get busy at something. People in the past always believed that if members of the family had time to sit around and criticise others in the home, that they didn't have enough work to do. When there is any hint of criticism, just start cleaning a shelf, washing some dishes, cooking, or doing something productive. (In such cases as these, even the vacuum cleaner can be a blessing ;-)

4. Have something that you like to do that always gives you joy. Projects that are your very own, from art to personal enterprise will play a powerful part in your life. Maybe you can re-decorate a room or sew some new clothes for the season, or create a gift basket full of things for someone else. Take a friend to the local tea room or visit your favorite shops. Go on excursions that will give you new ideas for your home life. It will help you to rise above the petty problems that come into the home. Pamper yourself by dressing well and taking care of your hair, etc. These things, though seemingly small, play a big part in the respect you send out to others and the respect you receive. Improving your home and yourself is constructive and eventually wins the unbeliever.

Romans 12:10 Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;
Rom 12:11 Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord;
Rom 12:12 Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;
Rom 12:13 Distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality.
Rom 12:14 Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.
Rom 12:15 Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
Rom 12:16 Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits.
Rom 12:17 Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.
Rom 12:18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
Rom 12:19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
Rom 12:20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
Rom 12:21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

Should you divorce him? The scriptures are clear about living with "unbelievers". First Corinthians 7:10-14 answers this question. If divorce has crossed your mind just because your husband has kind of checked-out of the marriage or become detached or less dedicated, but he is still with you, you need to consider that a plus. If you go to a divorce court, the first thing a judge will do is order the wife to get a minimum wage paying job. He will then subtract what you earn from the amount that your husband is supposed to give you. You may lose your home and all your possessions. If you cut loose your husband, you enable him to go on to other marriages and bring on the same troubles, have more children, create more debt and get more stress on his life. There will be heartache and bitterness from the children and other relatives, for years to come. Those who have been through this will willingly tell you.

Even if your husband is not behaving the way you wish, your family is a lot better off if you are all under the same roof. These times will pass and you will be awfully glad you waited and did not leave. This is the "for worse" times that marriage was created to endure. It was not created only to enjoy good times. It was created as a support structure for troubled times, as well. Giving up only adds more problems to your life.

Please note:The film "Swarg Narak" is available on instant play on Netflix, and should be viewed privately, first. It is not for children. There is some worldliness depicted in it, such as in the case of one of the husbands who goes out to parties, etc. It should be viewed only by mature women, and I do not remember if there was any objectionable language .