Porch Living

This is what the saucer looks like underneath that cute rose-shaped teacup.

Though sparse, there are few flowers available, and these are displayed in an old salt shaker.

You will have to ignore the fact that the outside of house needs a paint job. It may even have to wait few years, as it will take a crew to do it. In the meantime I am concentrating on keeping it as nice as I can and trying not to see all the flaws.

I was happy to see a local store carrying Bluebonnet seeds. 

Today as I sit on the porch in the sun, want to share something that has been on my mind for several months. Ladies often request a post on this subject. I usually think about a topic for quite awhile before I post it, so that I can plan my approach and make a mental outline of my thoughts. 

This is a subject that can sometimes be very sensitive: that of good manners in families and in church. It is so important that people understand what is, and what is not appropriate to do an say in some situations. In the Christian life, we learn that we must be gentle in our approach to people. There are, however, situations that will require correction. This is just a synopsis of what to do to promote peace and avoid confrontation.

In a preachers family, we have had to be very diplomatic and very cautious with people, and careful in many respects. Sometimes I hear the way people respond to their fellow-man with hasty, sharp replies and constant corrections -- and these are grown people, not children or students or those in their formative years talking to teens or tots -- and I think that if our family spoke to people in such an abrupt way, we would have been moving around a whole lot more than we did. We have been in the same ministry for 43 years and have observed a lot of things, so today I am sharing some of it here, to those who care to read it.

In business I hear people talking to their co-workers in such a way that would have gotten us booted out within a day, for no one wants to have a rude minister and ministers wife interacting with people. It would hurt the church's reputation and send the preacher packing over and over until he had nowhere to land. I see college students, particularly the girls, speaking harshly to their parents or their teachers and wonder how they will survive in their careers or a marriage.

I will divide the lesson into subjects, as best I can, in order to share my thoughts and beliefs about manners at home and at church.This lecture is directed to young ladies, and in general it says that the manners you practice at home will be the manners you extend in the church. An elderly man whom we all respect in our local congregation told us that lack of respect at church can often be traced to lack of manners in the home.

Ettiquette at Home and Church

In a family, I think it is important not to practice being so casual with each other that you cast aside all propriety and lapse into criticism and insults. You may have come from a home where this was commonly practiced, and it was considered acceptable because, after all, you are family, and still have to live together. Growing up in this conflict can make people think it is normal, and they carry the arguing habit into their own newly-formed families. Unless they recognize the harm in arguing and defying, they pass the attitudes on to the next generation. There are some ways to change things, if a person has a mind to do so:

1. Bite your tongue.

In "the old days" a person was admonished by the older generation not to say whatever came to their minds, but to think it through and imagine the reaction to your words. Err on he side of shyness and restraint. Wait and see if the other person will change, and give them a chance to grow. Overlook a fault unless it puts you in personal danger.

Pro 11:13    A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter.

Sometimes women or girls can get very sharp-tongued, being quick to correct everyone on every little thing. They may feel they should show people how intelligent they are by turning everything into a big issue or a debate. This behavior is not smart at all. It is what the New Testament describes as a loud, clanging cymbal; that is to say, a lot of noise and show. It is not always wise to confront people. Try to think if they might react in a harsh way to your criticism. If they do, you are bringing more stress on yourself. Ask yourself if you are willing to live with the repercussions. Some things do need correcting, so be sure it is important enough to make it worth the backlash you might get.

Pro 16:20    He that handleth a matter wisely shall find good: and whoso trusteth in the LORD, happy is he.

2. Restrain yourself.

Sometimes in a home, someone may feel like playing but others do not want to play. I have found it best to leave people alone if they do not want to interact with others. Some people would rather read a book. Not everyone wants to party. If they are not causing trouble, leave them alone. There are some people that feel they must continually stir people up. This fits the description in Proverbs of the people that lose sleep if they are not causing trouble:

Proverbs 4:16  " For they sleep not, except they have done mischief; and their sleep is taken away, unless they cause some to fall."


3. Practice peacefulness.

Confrontation causes reaction, which results in stress for both parties. Some people think it is healthy to confront others often about every little thing, but I guarantee you that people do not like to be constantly confronted and are never going to warm to you. In fact, if you make a habit of confronting people, you will find they flee from you when they see you coming.

By confronting, I am speaking of making an issue of everything and getting people into a conference to discuss an issue, and in general creating stress by putting someone on the spot. We are told by worldlings (a silly word I use when I am referring to the world's advisors) that confronting someone is advisable, but I have never seen it work out well. A young lady is not required to confront older people, and she must leave a lot of things to play out by themselves. If you get in the habit of trying to run other people or get your own way all the time, you will be impossible to live with as a mate and as a church member.

One thing I grew tired of early in life was the practice of setting up a meeting with someone for the purpose of working out your differences or "clearing the air." I observed that dredging up all the offenses and trying to explain and re-explain your actions or intentions only brought up old wounds and caused more offenses and more problems. Some people had the idea that all parties should get together and "have it out" but I never saw that such conferences ever resulted in life-long friendships. Confrontation only continued the problem. Sometimes if you leave things alone, a problem will take care of itself. Older people will often say this.

I was taught to "let sleeping dogs lie." (Poirot would say, "let the sleepy dog tell the lie" :-). In other words, it isn't too bright to stir up a problem if everyone seems to be letting it lie still and die down. I never once saw a confrontation conference change anything for the better. It only alienated people from the ones who were setting up the confrontation.

This of course does not apply when raising children, as confrontation will be necessary. I am referring to the unpleasant habit that occurs in adult conversation. Christian ladies have to interact with people in a way that gives and takes, does not dominate or manipulate the conversation, and is edifying and pleasant. This is quite a skill, which could be achieved through role-playing an argumentive person with a conciliatory person.

4. Practice deference.

This is a yielding and humble attitude in conversation, toward parents and grandparents and others who are older than you. Do not get the idea that it means to let people walk all over you or that it means you must agree to something that is wrong. It means to defer, or yield your opinion in order to keep a pleasant conversation. If you can sense that someone is argumentive, do not give them any fuel by insisting on winning the argument. It is painful for others to have to listen to it and you are not endearing yourself to anyone.

Deference includes respecting older people. Younger women should not argue with older women, and should practice deference. In yielding, it does not mean you agree with a person, but it shows that you are too polite to argue or to try to win an argument. Learn all you can about he quality of deference, for it is one of the sources of ladylike and gentlemanly behavior.

5. Be alert to the cold shoulder.

Do not expect family members and church members, friends and people you do business with, to spell out every detail for you of how you should act in order to be polite. Plan on picking up some hints by observing people's response to you. Some people's expressions are clear. When they frown, they may want you to leave them alone. When they smile, they may be giving you permission to be more friendly. Some people will turn their back on you or give you the cold shoulder. Think before you confront them about it. Let them cool off. Confrontation may just make matters worse.


A person who avoids you is giving you the cold shoulder. If you are a young lady and find this happening a lot in your life, use it as a signal to retreat and be a little less pushy; a little more demure. There may be other reasons that someone will give you the cold shoulder. It is possible they are rude. If so, let them alone. Do not try to pursue a friendship with a rude person if it causes more stress for you.


I have observed that the wisest people are willing to let a matter slide, and not try to solve it. They overlook a fault and give people room to grow. As I said before, this does not apply when raising children, because they have to be guided into proper attitudes and behavior. Just make sure your children know they cannot raise the rest of the world. They cannot boss their elders around or correct the bad manners of people around them. They must be respectful.


6. Learn to be discerning.

The person who says you have to come to them and tell them what they did wrong, is someone who is not discerning the situation. They should size up the situation by watching how others are behaving. For example, many mothers want their children to look to them for authority and advice and they take offense when a young lady tries to come between a mother and a daughter with her opinions. Gather all kinds of clues from observing the things that go on around you and from the way people speak and act. Avoid those that create discord, and avoid creating discord yourself.

Observe the church members who have been in peaceful existence for a long time, in the church where you attend. If they are content to leave people in peace and and are not argumentive or meddling with people, take note. If you are a young lady wanting to be accepted, observe the other ladies. Many of them, though not "social butterflies", are pleasant enough and mindful of the privacy of the other members. They seem to be able to detect whether too much attention might embarrass someone, and whether a little extra attention is needed. They neither overwhelm people with abrupt behavior, nor dismiss people by being disinterested. If you are a young lady, the best thing to do is be ready to make friends but wait for others to make the first move, especially if you are new in a congregation. Let others get used to seeing you and having you around, ease into the social situation, and never assume anything. Rely on the older women to gain a sense of propriety ( discerning what to say and what not to say or do )in social situations such as birthday observances, baby and wedding showers, and ladies Bible studies.


7. When corrected by an elder, thank them and move on.

Do not stay and try to justify yourself as if you were trying to prove your case in court. Sometimes an older women will not want you to roam through her house, going into closed off areas and snooping into private places of the house. If you do this and are corrected, do not make up stories about being lost. To learn more about this, read "On Being a Good Guest: Private Spaces". Be careful not to create a huge issue, followed by a personal confrontation or a meeting to hash things out, when someone just does not want to socialize, seems to want more privacy, or declines an invitation. You will not regret overlooking the matter, but if you create a big issue over something, you have to live with that memory the rest of your life.


8. Know your place.


That sounds very old-fashioned, but it is so valuable and will keep a lot of stress and resentment out of your life and make you easy to get along with. Young ladies should be careful not to have a know-it-all attitude or argue about everything. They should remember that they are not old and experienced in life and have not endured many trials. They should not expect to boss or lord it over anyone. Neither should they try to usurp a mother's authority or act superior.



Young ladies should be taught to observe and be aware of everything around them. You can discern a lot about the character qualities of a person by observing how they interact with their parents and with older people. It is important to be alert about this because it prevents you from naively participating in an argument or getting pulled into a friendship or an agreement to do something, that you may regret. Be discerning.


Jesus told the Pharisees that they were good about discerning the weather, but they could not discern the times. (Luke 12:56) That means they could see only what was in front of them but were not being aware of what was going on around them.


To be aware of how to be mannerly, use all of your senses. People should not have to always tell you everything. People sometimes send off simple signals in response to rudeness. They may shrink from an agressive person, or they may feel too stressed to respond to someone who has been rude, and just shut down and not communicate. If you are a young lady and want to avoid offending people, and desire to be well-mannered, use your senses and your good sense, to discern when you have been too inquisitive, have monopolized conversation, been too self-centered in conversation, have not shown honor to your parents, are not thoughtful in your treatment of others, etc.

Learn also that not everyone is the same. People will not follow the rules you want them to. There are some people who are not comfortable with confrontation. They would rather avoid a rude person than confront them. They may have a sensitive nature that causes them to feel very stressed out if they have a confrontation. Be considerate of the way others do things.


Naturally there are things that need to be confronted, which will require discernment. This post is intended for those who are trying to reduce the amount of stress in their lives. A lot of stress can be avoided if you will cut down on the amount of conflict you create by impulsive confrontation and arguing. There is enough stress to be had without creating it ourselves. Sometimes it is best to be quiet about controversies and faults.

It seems like there is a lot to remember, but when you adopt a graciousness and a "live-and-let-live" quality into your life, it will become natural to be polite, without even thinking.


I highly recommend this article called Hints and Helps on Good Behavior at all Times and at all Places. In fact, I am fairly certain you will like what you read there.


It is getting late and I see the sun is setting, so I will post a photo of it and say goodnight.

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