First Year Home

The Wedding Ceremony by Harrison Fisher (1875-1934) at LovelyWhatevers

My Wife

by Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894)

Trusty, dusky, vivid, true,
With eyes of gold and bramble-dew,
Steel-true and blade-straight,
The great artificer
Made my mate.
Honour, anger, valour, fire;
A love that life could never tire,
Death quench or evil stir,
The mighty master
Gave to her.
Teacher, tender, comrade, wife,
A fellow-farer true through life,
Heart-whole and soul-free
The august father
Gave to me.

Whether a woman is just married or has just come home after being married for some time, here are a few things that have always, throughout the ages, been a concern for women at home. I will list them under the titles of time, duty and destiny. I am sure there are many more that people could add to this.

Time: I don't know if other married women found this problem during their first year of marriage, but the good use of time is so important. Developing a routine of the home just about has to be done that first year, because it develops good habits of using time wisely. If you know that there are certain things you always do first thing in the morning, you can always use them as an anchor to get you started on the right path when there is confusion. For example, get your appearance ready--a bath, and a freshly pressed dress. It will be necessary to get up early and do this before the rush is on. If you don't, you will find your feet hit the floor running, and you are playing catch-up all day, maybe even never changing out of your night clothes. It never fails, that when you decide to delay getting your appearance prepared, that someone comes to the door that day.

Fix your hair and your face and put on a dash of light perfume, and you will feel like you are going somewhere very important. If someone asks you why you are all dressed up, just say that your work is so important and the people you care for are so precious to you, that you want to dress up for them. I actually don't consider this "dressing up" in the formal sense, but these days, if you even put on a skirt and a fresh blouse, someone is going to look at you funny. (Here is an article on the subject of how to answer when someone says things like this http://www.meridianmagazine.com/imageintegrity/080805say.html .

Time can really get away from you when you have interruptions. There are two kinds of interruptions in the homemaker's day: those that are necessary and those that are not. Guard your friendships so that they do not rob you of your time. As a newly wed, your loyalty is first to your husband, now, and not to your girlfriends.

Time spent on the phone, or running around with "the girls" is time wasted if you are to establish your home that year. Many a woman has expressed regret that she allowed friends to crowd her time--time that could have been better spent completing important things at home: a sewing project, preparing food, cleaning and improving the appearance of the house and yard, etc. While it is nice to have girlfriends, sometimes they do not understand that your loyalty is now to your husband, and that you have obligations at home.

If you can't work and talk on the phone at the same time, it is better that you do not use it, for it can waste a lot of your time, especially if you are not an experienced homemaker. Be careful of friendships altogether, that they build up your marriage and help you, rather than rob you of your time and emotional energy. Your mother and grandmother, and other wise, older women are probably better guides for you, if they have had good homes, than your younger friends.

Set aside some time for others but do not let them run your life. Choose older women of wisdom, who have had successful marriages and orderly homes, and good children, for your friendships, until you become more proficient at homemaking. We live in an era where we think "peers" are important, but peers do not have to be all your own age.

Sometimes the girls your own age will not understand the necessity of you being wise about time. They may reason that since you are not "out working" that you have all day to laze around, so they may visit and take up your time. Then, when your husband comes home, he is starving and dinner is not ready. He is tired ,and the things that you could have done while he was gone (and unable to do them) did not get done. He then has to help you catch up and still go to work the next day. He may have to help you make a hurry-up dinner. To prevent this, you have to be very busy and serious about your life at home. Remember that you are a help-meet for your husband and so , while he is away, do the things that are helpful to him. What is the point of having a helper if the helper is busy meeting other people's needs all day?

Duty and destiny are combined, for whatever your duty is, will determine your future. Some women complain that things "just happen" to them, but being diligent at home can reduce a lot of the mishaps in their lives. Picking up and cleaning up and having a routine are part of your duty. There is an old saying that used to be put in little plaques on the wall: "Duty Before Desire." We understood this to mean that after we got the dishes washed and put away, after the floor was cleaned, and the bathroom wiped and the beds made, the meals prepared, and so forth, we would have earned our "down-time." That time was for sitting and creating things, writing letters, reading good books, preparing celebrations, shopping, and so forth.

Young women can look ahead and think: What do I want my married life to be like 20 or 30 years from now? Well, it will be somewhat the way it is right now, so analyze carefully how you are using time, and the fulfillment of your duties, and you will be able to foresee your destiny. Instead of just letting "things happen," learn to control your day by creating a routine. This is not the same as a point by point schedule. It just means that in the morning, certain things will be done, as in the afternoon and the evening. Our forebearers had some things figured out long before this. Women had dishtowels with the weekly jobs written on them: Monday is wash day, Tuesday is ironing, Wednesday is shopping, Thursday is baking, Friday is mending, Saturday is rest, Sunday is church. It varied, but basically, it kept them from having to do the same things every day. I have tried this and found it to be more efficient and restful than doing all of it every day. There will be every-day jobs such as cooking and washing dishes and straightening up the normal clutter of a home, but having a day to write letters and a day to hang out laundry, can help make a routine for you.

Jesus told his disciples to go beyond "duty" when he said, " And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain." (Matthew 5:41). We can be inspired by this, because, to tell you the truth, just doing what you "have" to do can be very uncreative and boring. It is when we go beyond the mere doing of something, that it becomes interesting and fun. It is when we try to do it extra well, and make it a beautiful masterpiece, that duty becomes desire. This explains why many people of old actually enjoyed working in their homes, improving their property and yards, and baking a pie, more than they enjoyed being entertained.

When you are first married is the time to develop that habit of making even ordinary jobs shine. If you will use that first year to practice this good attitude, it will serve you well when the children come along (and even if they don't) and in making your home something to be proud of. Slothful living costs you more, and making good use of time is like saving money.