Refinement in Daily Life

Stone Bridge Cottage, by Sung Kim, (American)

 

A lot of depression and discouragement can be alleviated by having a daily observance or quiet celebration. A time set aside each day for taking tea in a special cup, or just sitting still for a quiet hour restores the mind and regulates jumbled, racing thoughts. I have worked at making the morning tea a regular ritual, and have noticed a difference in my health and presence of mind when I skip the ceremony, as small as it is.

This morning I have got out an old cup for morning tea.

Now I am ready to restore order in the house and plan some extra things to do, which I plan to feature here in a few days.

I am always on the lookout for rose-themed cups like this at Goodwill and garage sales. The price is almost nothing at thrift stores, but teacups are getting harder to find. I use my teacups and give them a regular workout by having guests for tea.

 

And now I am on to another subject; that of polite behaviour with your whole presence. This is from an old lesson I taught many years ago to children, but its message needs to be revived for grown children, young ladies and a few older ones.

 

 

In the home it is not polite to block someone in a hallway. It is rude to crowd up too close to a family member in the kitchen or put pressure on someone by getting too close to them, crowding them, especially if they object. In our country, people believe in minding their own business , as the New Testament teaches, and so it is considered rude to look over someone's shoulder to see what they are reading or writing or doing, unless invited. It is also rude to be too inquisitive about personal, private matters, the exception being parents with their own children.

 

 

Politeness in public requires us to avoid being too curious about what someone is eating (peering closely at their plate or their beverage) and it is rude to try to get involved in a conversation to which you are not invited, especially with people you do not know well. This all begins in the home, where family members should not hover over someone who is eating or writing or reading.

 

 

One of the very first lessons many of us were taught by our parents was the value of minding your own business. This is more of a principle than a rule, since it has far-reaching results. If you as a young lady will always be reticent with people and keep a polite distance, not nosing into other people's personal things, you can never get a bad reputation or be labeled as a nuisance.

 

 

In shopping situations, do not walk in front of people while they are looking at merchandise, nor try to look at the same item or get too close to something they are buying. Shoppers do not like people to see what they are buying. Even though shopping is a public activity, people's purchases are private, and the amount of money they pay at the checkout is private, so it is polite to stand back and at least not look as if you are too curious about their transactions. It is best to stand a little distance and not look at what they are doing, that is, if you are really trying to be polite.

 

In any social setting, never stand up in the middle of two people talking so that they cannot see each other. That is as bad as having too large a centerpiece on the dining table which blocks everyone's view of one another. Also, be careful when in a group not to sit with your back to someone (this does not include church, where everyone faces the speaker or song leader). Children are not actually as guilty of this as are adults. I have been to baby showers and wedding showers where I have seen ladies place a chair right in front of someone blocking them from the conversational circle. (Classes are valuable to demonstrate what these sort of things really look like.)

 

Sometimes people use their bodies to be over-bearing with others in public. In Church, there is often a time after the worship dismissal to converse with people, and it is necessary to be aware that you can block other people from visiting with certain ones if you stand too close and monopolize anyone. Socializing is like a dance, in that you have to allow others to cut-in when you see they are politely waiting on the side to talk to the one you are near. When they do that, assume they have tapped you on the shoulder and are wanting their turn with the guest.

 

 

 

I observed once that a couple had come to church from another state, and after the meeting was dismissed, one person seemed to "swamp" this couple, blocking them from meeting anyone else. Only when everyone had given up waiting to welcome the couple and gone home, lights were finally turned off and the preacher said he needed to lock the meeting house, did this couple escape the rude, over-bearring person who stood in the way of others greeting them.

 

 

Another problem that you need to be aware of is that of engaging in troll-like social behavior in the church and other social situations. A troll is someone who follows you around. Sometimes in a church fellowship, when a person sees someone talking to someone else, they immediately go over there and take over the conversation. They may follow the person around and discourage her from socializing at all. This is not the same as watching your children or staying close to your mother, which is appropriate in social situations. I am speaking to young ladies who may be forgetting to be polite and neglecting to respect people and keep a little distance.

 

 

In Victorian times, young ladies were deliberately taught not to be too forward or too imposing, and to be quiet and discreet; to "know their place". In this day and age, such teaching sounds too formal, but whatever is good about society, particularly church, becomes miserable when someone trolls other people and will not sit quietly and mind their own business. Several times I have seen rude women, young and old, cause people to physically stiffen, retreat and shrink back from fellowshipping, because they felt they were being trailed or monitored in their personal conversations with other people. That is not the same thing as watching that someone does not get lost in a hallway or helping someone to find their car in the parking lot, or making sure people are safe. The personal monitoring I am describing is a rude, in-your-face snooping.

 

There are probably many more things that can be said about how you can be polite with your personal presence around other people, but it would take volumes to explain every detail. A really discerning person will learn to detect the reception they get and read people's body language. If they are not real receptive to you, learn to take the hint before you cause verbal anger in the other person.

 

The New Testament, the spiritual law of Christ for this age, makes behavior very simple to understand by the admonition to be courteous in 1 Peter 3:8. Courtesy is the act of making sure others are respected and not offended by what you are doing. It means putting the comfort of others above your own and not aggravating them in any way. As a young lady, you need to be grown up enough not to have every little thing spelled out for you down to the tiniest detail, as when you were a toddler.

Being grown-up means to pay attention to your own behavior and restrain yourself in order to be courteous and non-threatening to others. When you are out-of-control in your social life, people will be correcting your or avoiding you.The mark of a mature lady is being self controlled so that others never have to control you.

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