...before it passes you by.
I placed these cozy cottage here because of a couple of incredulous comments I received that I deleted, about cottages. These young women stated that a cozy cottage would not really help a depressed woman, but I submit that this symbol of life at home is exactly what is lacking in the lives of many frustrated and depressed young women.
Serenity Cottage
Art Print
Burns, Richard
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Throughout history, women married young because they were finished with childhood and had the ability and the inclination to start a home of their own. Young men also were eager to build their own houses and have a wife and family. This was changed in the 20th century by modernists who thought education was more important than marriage, home and family. The focus would be on "bettering" oneself through education.
Young women are convinced to sit through their child bearing years and give their years of true vitality to classroom activity, under pressure to get college degrees and careers. They are expected to earn a living on their own, pay for their housing, and eventually get married and have children. They must establish their careers and that takes time and money and concentration, and the home once again takes second place. This also cheats the young men, who need to get married and have children while they are young.
Swans Near Gazebo
Art Print
Chiu
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When women are not able to have children, they still are benefited by home life, which is very good for their strength and their general health. The workplace does not provide all that a woman needs for her well-being, but the home, when managed as it was intended, does. Between the ages of 15 and 35, women are supposed to increase their load-bearing exercise, and it is not a coincidence that this is also the time when women of the past would have been carrying their children around, lifting them up, and playing with them. The exercise of the fitness salons does not have exactly the same benefits as the exercise gained in caring for the home and property.
Serenity Cottages II
Art Print
Burns, Richard
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The book, "Home Comforts," shows the intricate details of running a home, and if it were put to the test, would be greater than most college textbooks.
I have been deliberately misunderstood when I mention education. Each time I do, I get a pile of people on here shrieking in protest and casting dust wildly into the air, jumping around like little banty hens, protesting that I am "anti-education." I am not. I am just saying that the system of education either needs reform, or we need to seek alternatives.
Arbor Cottage
Art Print
Kim, Sung
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Sometimes these girls, on summer vacation after 9 months in school, (that is an interesting number, is it not?) heavily laced with Karl Marx beliefs that women aren't contributing anything at home, will read the homemaking blogs and see women their own age whose lives are well under way. With husband and children and a little cottage ,they are making a place where they spend many happy hours. These girls looking in may become envious. Envy is the main sin of Marxists, who think this world should be run in a completely different fashion than the way God designed it in the form of marriage, home and family.
There are alternatives to everything, if we would dig a little deeper. At a young age when women need to be active, and need to have love in their lives with a good husband, and children around them and a home to care for, they are told it is inferior to marry and be at home, and are instead convinced they must be shut away into college dorms that make cattle and sheep pens look roomy, and forced to study in a distracting and stressful atmosphere. The piles of assignments heaped on them make it impossible for them to love life and enjoy beauty. Their future is sabotaged from the beginning of education with loans that will weigh heavily on their finances for many years and may effect their chances of having one of those cozy cottages when they get married.
Westfalische Landschaft IV
Art Print
Neck, W.
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After the years of study are over, they still do not know how to live their lives, manage their money, get married to a steady and good man, and raise a decent group of children. They will, however, be qualified to work their youth away at jobs and hardly have time to think. They will be qualified to serve the public in some capacity but have little time or stamina left for their home life.
Such a load can only be borne a certain period of time before they finally break down, either mentally or physically. I have seen this mental breakdown through the comments that come through when I dare to suggest that young women would be far more involved in real life through the home and family.
The Country Cottage
Art Print
Leader, Benjamin...
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Even at home with their parents, a young woman can contribute a lot that will be mutually beneficial to them. The pressure that young girls are put through from an early age, can lead to many of them taking prescription drugs to reduce the tension, drugs that they find very difficult get out of their lives. The stress of studying and working and trying to make ends meet also causes them to want to cut loose and party, rather than seek the refuge of a good home life.
Peaceful Evening Art Print
Duncan, Robert
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College and career can wait: marriage and homemaking cannot. One reason for this is biological, and another reason for this is interest level. By the time a girl has gone through college and career, she does not have the skills or the interest for marriage and home life. Homemaking is quite different than classroom activity, as our Mrs. Alexandra, who was once a college professor, can tell you. It takes a lot more knowledge and a lot more stamina, to be make a success of home life, as well as wisdom, which will not be learned in highschool or college.
I have been attacked for taking the stand that getting married young and making a home for a husband, caring for him and enabling him to take care of you and buying a cottage for two, but I challenge you to find a popular artist to day that wants to paint pictures of the workplace, a songwriter who writes about woman at work, or a poet who pens praises of working women. Today, Thomas Kinkade, Susan Rios, Robert Duncan, Sung Kim, Richard Burns, paint beautiful cottages. I suspect their beauty alone is not all there is to it, but what they represent: marriage, home and family.More importantly, it is difficult to find any women who put everything they could into their home and family and still worked outside the home, climbing their way to the top. No one can serve two masters--either the home will get the short end of the attention, or the work outside will suffer. It is impossible to do both jobs and put all you've got into them.I've known many brilliant girls who got degrees and claimed to be very successful in business, but they were not successful in relationships and were not able make wise choices regarding husbands and were not able to train and teach their own children. Today, there are many women who have chosen home, and they are both able to teach their own children and maintain a stable marriage. It is shocking to see these brilliant professors, judges, lawyers and so forth, that element of society that is supposed to be smarter than the rest of us and somehow more dignified and higher, go through one marriage after another. Not all of them do, but a great percentage of them, while being smart in their chosen fields, fail in their home life. (Summer Roses by Susan Rios http://www.susanriostraditions.com/)
White Door Cottage
Art Print
Warwick, Dwayne
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The best thing a young woman can do is opt for marriage, home and family while she is young. If that doesn't happen for them, they can go home to their parents and be a help to them, and get themselves out of a system that seems to be defeating them. That cozy cottage is not held out for them as something to strive for, in the world of apartments and parties, but one day they will wish with all their hearts that they had aimed for that peaceful resolution and put all their energy and money into acquiring it, rather than the elusive success that they are told their student loans will one day bring them. They really need to grasp ahold of life before it passes them by.
For further reading, see
http://ccostello.blogspot.com/2007/07/what-i-learned-in-college.html
http://ccostello.blogspot.com/2007/08/some-more-about-college-stressful.html
http://ccostello.blogspot.com/2007/08/stressful-living-part-2.html
89 comments:
Dear Mrs Sherman,
I like this article. I thought your point about lawyers etc going through several divorces/marriages was quite poignant. It brought to mind Eric Jong, the author of a certain book that might be best left unsaid. She has been married four times, and her current husband is, ironically, a divorce lawyer.
Some of the comments disappeared when we were trying to connect the pictures to the supplier so you could buy them, so if you would please rewrite and post again it would be appreciated.
Michael: also, more and more, the psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists/counsellors are divorced multiple times.
Thank you once again for highlighting the beauty of looking after a home, whether a woman has children in it or not.It's truly wonderful to experience the satisfaction and joy of caring for a home and all that entails! While reading homemaking blogs I am amazed by the huge range of 'subjects' women are continuously learning. They're inspirational. Thank you that you have a sub-title in your blog so readers can decide if they fit into that category and can choose whether to peruse it or not. Thank you for again exposing the truth of what a refreshing, liberating way of life, being-at-home truly is. L.M.L.
Since I believe that the medical allopathic/chemical approach to depression does not get to the root of the problem but only covers the symptoms, I will probably continue to supply a battery of things that come from both the past and the present that help get at the root of the problem without harming the body and the mind or the soul. I never said that the cottage sitting there all by itself alone would cure anything. Rather, the problem with unhappy young women today is the route they are taking in their lives that brings on more depression, rather than rising above it. Depression will always be with mankind as it comes with the package. What I disagree with is that it always needs to be "cured." It does need to run its course, and when the mind is chemically altered it can short circuit the purpose of depression, which signals things to the body--things like needing more rest, proper nutrition, change in lifestyle. Not every thing can be left up to the "experts' who profit monetarily from common maladies like depression. There always have been, throughout the ages, reasons and remedies for everything.Our modern age does not have a corner on the market.
Wow. I am impressed with your bravery to clearly express a truth that young women need to hear but is very unpopular. Another unpopular topic is doing your duty towards family and friend. Also, being other centered instead of self centered; I have seen this kill a number of marriages.
-Kathryn
I wish I had met you in my late high school and college years. I am somewhat the product of an 80's upbringing - dual income family, divorced parents, and a "you WILL go to college" mentality. I don't mind so much that I went to college, however, I do mind that this whole part of me that wanted to live was squelched by modern ideas. I literally thought I would meet a good man in college and maybe get married afterward. What I found in college was shocking to me. I barely met anyone worthy of spending serious time with and ended up in a series of meaningless relationships. This was a normal existence in the modern halls of academia. I can't imagine what it's like now, where it seems that literally anything goes and is expected. In fact, to resist is considered "repression." It must be awful.
My family is healing - Mom met and married a really nice Christian man and is his helpmeet, which gives me a good example of how to be one. My dad accepted Christ shortly before his death a few years ago. My husband and I are figuring this whole marriage and family thing out. He was raised by a single mother, so he sort of expects me to work. However, he's getting to the point where he realizes the importance of home life to himself and to the children. He recognizes that I can't be there for him if I have to commit so much time to work. He realizes the house will never be a haven if I am gone all day. He's also more and more supportive of homeschooling, though we still have our daughter in public school.
And, I'm realizing that it isn't fair or normal to expect myself to try to do it all. It's absolutely ridiculous. I'm far too tired and too old to try to juggle the whole working mother lifestyle. God blessed me with a late in life pregnancy (I'm 41 and due in 2 weeks) which is forcing me to quit working and stay home with my 2 youngest children. I can hardly wait!
Lydia,
While I love your website, posts such as this make me incredibly sad, because I will probably never have that little cottage (or in my case, the little Chicago bungalow). I'm 38, never married, and I've never met anyone who was a suitable husband. I've also got severe endometriosis and even if I got married tomorrow, it's questionable if I would ever be able to have children.
I simply work, carry a large load of responsibilities in my church (including a meal ministry for families with new babies and shut-ins), sit on the board of a local organization in my denomination, help friends (especially the family of my two-year-old goddaughter, whom I love very much), and try to have Faith. The Lord is looking out for me - after five years in an increasingly horrid office, I finally got a lovely new job last fall.
I am continally astonished (but I shouldn't be any longer) by the unrealistic expectations of men in their late 30s-50s. I have been rejected (after a short acquaintance) because it's unsure if I could have children. Apparently, many men do not consider adoption to be an option, which is sad. Many want their wives to work because they have become used to a certain lifestyle level from being single and don't want to give up their toys once married at 40 or whatever age. I expanded my age range for men only to discover that even men in their early-mid 50s want women who can still have biological children. They don't seem to realize that even in a 35-year-old woman, fertility can be an iffy thing.
I pray for a husband morning and night. I only hope that the Lord grants me the gift of a husband sooner or later. I can get my "baby fix" through my goddaughter or holding babies at church (I'll often take a little one to help a mother out) during services. But, as I've written on LAF before, you can't "borrow someone's husband" to get an "idea" of being married!
In Christ,
Michele in Chicago
(MIH's former singles columnist)
Having been forced into attending college by my parents, who were raised in the era when "a college degree" was the magical answer to all life's problems (you got that wonderful degree and then could get a "good job" which guaranteed you security and good pay), I can honestly say that I would give anything to have those four years of my life back. By the time I graduated, I realized that I could have looked up whatever information I had gained while in college on my own, and in much less time! So much of my university experience was time wasted with pointless assignments, lectures where professors endlessly repeated themselves, backtracked or rode their personal hobbyhorses, and classes that were required but had absolutely nothing to do with my field of concentration (this is the way colleges fund courses that no-one would bother to take otherwise).
My parents weren't to know that the workplace they were familiar with in the 1950's would change so radically, to the point where there is absolutely no such thing as job security any longer. At the time they grew up, a college degree was revered - these days, they're a dime a hundred, and considering the degredation of education in the USA, the holders of bachelor's degrees know less than the high school graduate of 1955. That diploma from a university is hardly the magic carpet to success that it was thought to be decades ago.
I spent years in the work force, going from job to job as job security in the USA disappeared, and "downsizing" became the name of the game. There were so many people with the same degree I had that we could not expect or command good salary. I labored for years running other people's businesses, making other people rich while they paid me a few dollars an hour. Trying to live decently on what I made was next to impossible, particularly because my time at home was so limited that I was forced to depend on expensive ready made foods, or even worse, eating out, and frequently even had to pay someone to do my laundry, because I either had no time for it, or was too exhausted to cope with it.
Finally, after my health completely broke down from stress and overwork, my husband and I made the decision for me to stay home. Delaying family had led to a situation where I was now unable to have children. It took some years for me to recover some of my health (once you lose it, you never get back to 100% health, something for women out there to remember) and then I slowly began a home business, using skills I had always cultivated as a hobby.
The situation with job security finally destroyed my husband's career, as it became the fad to let seasoned and faithful employees go in favor of hiring young and inexperienced kids at a fraction of the older employee's salary. Faced with chronic unemployment, we finally made the decision to take the plunge and move my home based business into a full time proposition, as he was able to devote the time formerly taken by his job to it.
Since we have no children who would suffer, I spend some time working at our business, but I actually consider it an extension of home. We call the shots, we are in control, things are set up as we wish them to be. We are not answering to an unreasonable boss who demands the impossible. Should one of us need home time for any reason, the other willingly steps in so that this is possible. So, should I want to do some intensive housekeeping or cooking for a week or two, hubby minds the store, quite literally, while I revel at home. Should he feel tired and in need of a mini-vacation, I shift operations to our shop. It has worked well for us, and allows us to keep our home lovely and inviting and a true place of light in our lives.
I see so many women who are so angry! They are sour-faced and miserable. They denigrate their husbands and children to anyone who will listen. Sometimes they invite other women, including myself, to join in. If I had a dollar for every peevish woman who intimates in conversation that my husband must be a rotten guy, since she believes all men are rotten guys, I would be able to retire. It is appalling. After all, they now get to go out and work - wasn't that going to be the magic answer for women? Why are they so unhappy and so willing to assume that all other women are unhappy and ready to slag off about their husbands? It's gotten to the point where there are certain women I absolutely avoid, because the moment they begin to check out my groceries or cut my hair, the diatribe begins about men and how awful they are, and isn't my husband just awful too and don't I have to do all the work while he lazes around just like all the other good for nothing men?
This is nothing more than tragic, to think that there are so many women who automatically denigrate half of the human race - yet if a man said the same things of them, they would be screaming that he was sexist. These are truly lost souls, because for all their careers and independence, they are so miserable.
I would give a lot for the years I wasted trying to fit into the role that I was told I had to fill. It brought me absolutely nothing. If my husband and I had struck out on our own so many years ago, there's no telling where we would be now.
Just last night, after I had been at home steadily for several weeks, doing some special housekeeping and preparing for the next change of seasons, my husband put his arms around me and said "You are my comfort and joy." I wonder how many of those women who present themselves to the world as bitter, scowling shrews can say the same?
To those who come to attack this blog with their unkind and untutored remarks: If a woman does not want to have a career, she should not be forced to have one, anymore than a woman who does wish to have a career should not be forced to forgo that. What is so complicated about that, and why does it trouble you so that some women simply do not choose to live exactly as you choose to live?
What a lovely post and one which I agree with in its entirety.
I was a career minded woman who married at 30. We bore our only child at 32 ~ God's plan not ours. Had I to do it all over again I would have married my dear husband when we were much younger, with the hope even more years of married wonder and the hope of more children.
We're now 49 and live in a sweet little cottage with our daughter and kitty. We live a simple life ~ one filled with sweet joys and devotion to family and our Lord.
Nothing is more precious, imho, than living in a cottage small enough to bring a family close. Large homes distance the heart of a family.
Bless you dearly...
Lady Lydia,
I have been perusing your blog for awhile now. Thank you for giving your opinions so freely. Many people would be too scared to say the same things about staying home as you. I have a college degree, although it has yet to be utilized, and I am proud to have my certificate on the wall. I became pregnant, out of wedlock, at 20 years old while in college. My fiance and I got married 6 weeks before our son came. It was so difficult for me to be a SAHM. I was not "trained" to stay home with my children. I went back to school and finished my degree with the help of a wonderful babysitter. I worked for 1 year afterwards with my husband outside of the home. It took an unfortunate ankle surgery that kept me home. Afterwards, I realized that's what the Lord has called me to do. I am working on our little cottage and my little one is now 9 years old! The good thing about having children young is (in my case I am not able to have more) once they are out of the home we can focus on our outside of the home working, as long as our cottage stays intact. Again, thank you for having the courage to tell people the truth!
Blessings to you and yours!
Mrs. Ginter
The post was actually too long to include family, at-home business. I love what women are doing at home these days, and you are right: they decide their hours, their income, their customers, their products. Also there is a big difference between the fre-enterprise web shops or home shops and the big business. For one thing I know who I am buying from and they know where they stuff is and where it comes from. When I tried to sell my book through a grocery store or a department store or book store, it was a nightmare getting to the mysterious person who made the decisions. At Wal Mart even the merchandisers didn't know where the books they were putting on the shelf came from. They magically appear in a box and they dutifully put them away. They refer you to someone who tells them what to do and that someone gives me a phone number that refers me on to someone else. I go around in circles trying to figure that system out and if I was a conspiracy theorist I would say it was a regime that had normal people in its grip. The web and the private family shops, however, can get what I want in less time and they know where it is. I think a lot of women would be less tense and age slower if they worked from the home and supplied merchandise they actually liked and delighted their customers. There is a crying need for many things, which once we listed on this blog. Among them are dressmakers. Every woman has a different body and one size does not fit all.There is enough dressmaking business to make a living for many people! And good hairdressers, too.
Just a brief comment to those who want me to post pharmacuetical solutions to depression. I'm not allowed to do that, and so I don't go there, or even suggest such remedies. You will have to go to a different site if you want to know more about the allopathic type of treatment for things...if you will email me privately I can show you a site that shows the side effects of chemical drugs on the body...but I can't recommend medical treatments of any kind here.
MICHELLE
please do not assume that severe endo will prevent you from having kids. i suffered from severe endometriosis from adolescence until my twenties and when the pain got so bad i had to have surgery. outpatient surgery called video laparoscopy. never had to have hormonal therapy and got pregnant a few months after the surgery. do not believe the negativity in the endometriosis books. my husband and i have four kids (they came one right after the other - most less than two years apart). my point, there is hope. and while you are waiting on mr. right, take care of your body with rest, and good healthy, locally grown food - stay off the processed, packaged preservative filled foods. do an internal body cleanse (like a yeast cleanse, liver cleanse, etc.) and maybe even a 7 day fresh juice fast. do every thing you can from a natural standpoint to help your body and who knows, you may not have to resort to surgery. don't just assume that you will not be able to have kids. have hope. doctors don't know everything. several told me that my kids were gonna have eczema forever and all we could do was treat the symptoms. i prayed and hit the internet and found out the internal root behind eczema (intestinal yeast overgrowth), treated my kids with a GOOD probiotic (not any old probiotic) and now my kids have smooth, itch free skin instead of open, oozing sores and flaky, itchy skin. doctors are not God. pray and seek God for answers and don't buy into the doom and PLEASE don't have a hysterectomy. you don't have to. if you need surgery, laser surgery will burn out the endo without you having to have stuff removed.
God bless you.
"The piles of assignments heaped on them make it impossible for them to love life and enjoy beauty."
Oh, dear Lydia, it seems as though these words were written specifically about my last semester in college, which was incredibly stressful. I live at home and help my mother run our household while I sharpen my domestic skills and prepare to be a good wife. I praise God for that! But even with the help and support I received at home, the pressure was horrible. There were many days when I left home around 6 AM and came back at 9 or 10 PM. The college method of learning - cramming our short-term memory with facts, then spitting them out during exams - is ineffective and even harmful. We had many beautiful ponds and trees on our campus, and during my short breaks I'd go and sit under a tree, or watch the fish in the ponds. It helped me to soothe my aching nerves a bit. Sometimes I cried, from the incredible pressure put on me. I'm not ashamed to admit it because I know many young women would feel that way. Now that I'm done with my studies, I thank God for every day at home, with my sweet family, taking care of them and being a proud homemaker-in-training. Everyone assumes I'm going to continue and do my MSc, but now that I'm engaged I say, 'no way'. I want to be a homemaker, and another couple of stressful years in college will not help me prepare for that.
Blessings to you. I hope you are having a wonderful day.
Ladies there have always been exceptions, from the beginning of time, to women being at home. There were single women in the Bible, but they were exceptions. There were single women who worked in Victorian times, but they were exceptions. Mary Cassatt was single and she is the one who painted pictures of her sister's children. The problem today is that there is a growing single's population, which is not normal for a society. There will always be people who are supposed to be single or who are single for no fault of their own, have to work for no fault of their own, etc. But what has happened is that because of the mentality pushed on all of us that it is better to spend our youth in classrooms, and learn careers, marriage is becoming the exception, and the singles are becoming a bigger group. Many of them don't have to miss out on marriage, home and family, but have been led to believe it isn't worthwhile. I'm obviously not talking about the exceptions!Our population has been very gullible from youth into thinking they should put aside those important years and use them inside of classrooms, rather than engaging in the real life experience of marriage, building a home together and serving others. In college, this is all stunted.
Hi Lady Lydia,
I have been a reader of your blog for a couple of years now. I almost always find your posts very very helpful and encouraging. This one is probably the one that has hit the closest to home for me. I would have to write a very long comment to explain fully how I came to your site and the LAF site. Instead I will try to encapsulate.
A couple of years ago I was researching another issue on another site which posted a link to an article on LAF (I don't recall which one). I was completely intrigued by such a concept as "Ladies Against Feminism." I too had felt myself to be largley against feminism, though I mostly thought of feminism as the NOW/Helen Ready sort. What was a complete conundrum to me was the idea of a woman not only being allowed to stay home but even being expected to, Biblically speaking. This was my desire, but I thought there was something wrong with me. I come from a very feminist, almost Marxist family and am the only believer. It does not help that the churches today do NOT teach these Biblical things. So there is a sort of soft core feminism even in most evangelical churches. This is NOT helpful for confused folks like my husband and me.
I went to college at my mom's command (I won't tell you what sort of nightmare I was exposed to on that front) and it did me absolutely no good. Rather, it did me great harm. That is the most complimentary thing I can say about it. But this is just the sort of thing someone in the feminist camp, like my mom, would think is good and even necessary. My experience was very similar to the other anonymous who posted earlier- forced to attend college by my parents, college degree the magic answer, etc. My mom was not trying to harm me. She just didn't know better.
Well, what happened to me after graduation and marriage is that I did work outside the home full time, but at a very low paying job. The entire time I worked I had this nagging feeling that I was robbing God of something and I really wanted to be at home. But because of all the feministic programming I did not trust these desires, let alone think they might actually be from the Holy Spirit. Within a few years my health failed and I could no longer work. Now I was home bound whether I wanted to be or not. The stress and anxiety of not being able to be where the world told me incessantly I should be was torturous. So when I was working I felt I was robbing God. But when I was home I felt I was failing on another level. The internal accusations were horrible! There was no peace to be had anywhere. Pray though I might for some kind of open door for a career that would work, nothing was ever forthcoming. I felt this was all my fault. (I should say here that my husband did not do this to me. He never made me feel he expected me to work outside the home. However, he never did say in so many words that he wanted me at home either. He just wanted me to be happy. He didn't know any better than I did, though, so he was not really any help, unfortunately.)
That is where you and Jenny Chancey (I hope I spelled that right) came in. At last I was able to see I was not crazy or lazy for wanting to stay at home, nor was it because of some undefined disobedience that I couldn't get a career or good job. It is because the Lord WANTED ME AT HOME and that is what He would bless, if only I would stop giving those evil, anxious thoughts the time of day. They were not from Him and did not require an answer. Just a resistance and rejection. So I am now at home, with a great many troubles I should not have because of the very bad advice and wrong expectations heaped on me in younger days, against which I had no defense. But I am at home with my husband and my home as my focus. It takes a great deal of faith to live this way, but at last the conviction of God's will is my foundation.
I do appreciate when you post articles such as this one as they really "scratch me where I itch," if you see what I mean. :)
I always still need the reinforcement as the feministic brainwashing is highly intransigent. I still struggle sometimes.
Thank you for being an oasis in a VERY dry dessert!
JanH
Very interesting how many people have mentioned losing their health before they had to stay home. Sometimes that is what it takes to make us stop and go in the right direction. Sad, but true.
Also, the Bible is clear in the sequence of a woman's life. After childhood she is to "marry, bear children, keep house," in that order. It is best for her health and for her state of mind if the husband earns the living and she leaves the burdens of that to him and she cares for the house and for him. However the Marxists decided to scramble up the formula and make it look something like this: get an apartment or dorm away from home, go to school, go to school, go to college, go to graduate school, get a career. Eventually the stress of it will catch up when a woman's mind and body, which was made for love of husband, care of children, arrangement and order of home, is not fulfilled.
To those who consistently try to post about depression, please go to the link I supplied in the article, the first paragraph and read more about it. I'm not going to be forced into suggesting any kind of physician's remedy, as I am not allowed to, and do not want to. As you post more and more, I will only go back and delete your original posts, and you will lose any points you try to make.
On a separate post I would like to answer the comment about churches not being ambiguous about a woman's role. I can almost remember when the preaching about the roles stopped, as if it was a line drawn in time, with a before and after effect. The preachers found themselves with audiences full of working women. They received such a backlash against their preaching that many of the firm preachers resigned and went to foreign fields where people would eagerly embrace the preaching, leaving the pulpits to the change agents.
I always enjoy the online shops where women work at home with pretty things they enjoy, and engage their children in the enterprise.
Lydia,
I have been trying to overcome depression and other things I have been "diagnosed" with. How I viewed the way I was suppose to live was my problem. I am a young mother who thought I was suppose to be working to help support my family alongside my husband when in reality I am suppose to be home supporting my family in this way. Everything old fashioned stood out to me. I have the book Home Comforts and it is highlighted and underlined in many parts of that book. I also come on here and gain more insight into a life that I know nothing about and am trying to learn from. Both my parents worked and still do. I am learning from scratch so to speak. Thank you.
Thank you for your blog, I just found it and it is so refreshing! I married a year out of high school. My parents never mentioned college, i never knew it was an option. I always wanted to be a wife and mother for as long as I could remember. I worked for the first ten years of our marriage, but when our oldest started school, i quit work to stay home. I wish i had quit when he was born! Now I have two children and both are well adjusted, and never have given us any trouble. BOth are delightful young people, and i tribute that to my staying home. I just wish society had not made me feel so guilty for staying home with my kids all those years! I hope i teach my daughter better :)
I woman has many hats when she stays home and cares for her family so why do they say it is boring? We have many titles. Knowledge is important and used wisely it can benfit the home. If a girl decides to go to school for bookkeeping her benfits herself on budgeting. Now the key thing here is that she doesn't need to take 3 years to do this but maybe a semster or two to improve on skill she thinks maybe lacking. Maybe a first aide course or cooking class. Now a days so many girls are lacking in these skills because mothers aren't home to teach them they are lacking. But they can take some sort of training to improve themselves. It doesn't always have to be college either. My oldest took a business course while she was married and 2 children. To a certain dregree it was a waste of money. She has 3 children now, doesn't have a job because they can't afford daycare but has this loan to pay off. It helped her for her budget but look where she is at. Granted she needs to find more of a balance at home but it was wasted. My other daughter 12 wants to go to school for graphic arts. Once again this might be a waste of time and money but I am not discouraging her. I told her she is picking a career that she can do at home and be with her family if need be. She is a family orinated girl in time but she is very crafty. Because we homeschool I hope to get her into some early class when she does her high school years to save on money and time. But edcuation doesn't have be done in college. The library has # of books for you to use. The resources out there at low cost rates is worth looking into. There are some many other ways to improve without going to college and getting into debt. Your own home is a work force that is changelleing enough. If you have faith God will provide for your needs. We don't need all this stuff to put our families at risk for a working mother.
I empathize with the writer above about the internal struggles when at home. My mom has always worked outside the home, and when I talk about any struggle I may have, she reminds me it is my choice to live this way. When one is at home with little ones, there are special encouragements that a young mom needs. It's not always available. When one comforts me with the words "your choice" there is something in it that diminishes the value of what I have given my life to. To make it optional makes it empty. I appreciate this blog that reminds women why it's not empty.
I have to say, I was that college girl(in the 80's) you spoke of. I really wanted to be married and at home with children, but felt swept away by my perception of what society and my parents expected of me.
I felt masculinized, and I was not self aware because really I was a very traditional lady underneath it all.
It's important to see life as it is, being aware of cultural trends and the agendas of others, and then make your own decisions as to where on life's continuum of ideology you plan to live peacefully. It's a very personal journey. That's why blogs like this are important. We need to revisit our past, see all sides of issues, not just the popular ones.
Thank you so much for this post. It actually made me cry because it spoke to my heart. I am a 21 year old woman and in my deepest heart of hearts all I want is a little cottage, a husband and children to care for. But when people ask me where I am headed in life I haven't been able to say that because I know they would not think that is enough. It is so sad that we live in a society where being a wife, mother and homemaker is considered beneath a woman. Yes I am smart and could really do anything with my life that doesn't mean that is what my heart is telling me is right. You've given me a lot to think about. Thanks so much.
One thing I thought I would mention - it is no longer necessary to go away to attend college classes. There are many such courses available online. This gives one the opportunity to pick and choose what to take, and also allows one to work at one's own pace. You can avoid the very unhealthy atmosphere on college campuses that way, and study in the sanctity of your own home.
I would advise anyone, however, before paying for a college course, to see if the information on the subject isn't available to them free, at the library, online or elsewhere. One of the most disappointing things about my own college experience was realising that I could have simply found the information on my own, without having to sit and listen to professors going on at length, often about unassociated matters, or repeating themselves endlessly.
All you need to learn is how to do research, and you can learn to do that in an afternoon! Then, so long as you can read and digest information, all the knowledge in the world is available to you! Why have it spoon fed in politically correct chunks? It is so much better to explore, read and learn on your own - and to decide what information is valuable to you and what isn't!
Many colleges that people feel obligated to attent, are not in tune with the needs of people or with the times. Just about the time you graduate, you need more education just to keep up with things. A lot of it could have been learned in an apprenticeship fashion in the chosen field of work. Like the recent reader said, you can get knowledge in a lot of places. It isn't a big secret that is hidden behind a professor's desk, or a gem of knowledge that will be hidden from you unless you pay $60,000.00 to go to a classroom and study from an expensive textbook. Knowledge and training are available outside that system if a person wants it bad enough. If colleges don't change their tactics, they will be replaced by a different learning method. They are now businesses which need your business in order to keep their businesses from going under.
How should ladies, who want to marry but haven't found anyone, find a husband?
Personally right out of high school I would say learn a trade. I became a nurses assistant. This only took 3 months and about $200. You can become an EMT in about as much time. A hair stylist in about a year.Some community college offer diploma programs that one year full-time, like a licensed nurses. If you have a trade then you can make a little more money and work in something that interested you more. Then if you get married then you can decide to stay home if you want and you won't have a lot of college debt. If I could do it all again, knowing I will have a hard time finding a husband, I would have tried to be a nurse so I'd have more security.
Dear Lady Lydia,
Thank you for writing. I have found much encouragement here. I can relate well to several comments recently left.
My husband and I married while we were in college (much to our parents' horror)and we were having so much fun (nothing like living off student loans!) that we spent a total of six years in college. I then entered the working world as a trained teacher (what better place for one slightly addictted to the school routine).
However, we were so much in the routine of pleasing ourselves that our first child didn't come grace our lives until we were married 7.5 years. Now, we have three wonderful children, but as I near 40 I ache with the knowledge that I will in all likelihood have no more children, which I now so desire.
Although I know I want to set my daughters and son on a higher path, it is a daily struggle for me to renew my mind in Christ and put off the decades of worldly training I received as part of my "education".
For those ladies who think that it is bunk (wanting a home and family with peace and love), read and learn from those who have already lived that life you are chasing after; you still have time to get off the lonely highway and invest your life in a legacy that will outlive you.
Having a home and family IS the best way a woman can live... I believe she short changes herself when she moves out of the home and into the work world, a world where men are made and thrive, this is their sphere, this is what is best for them, and we try to compete and it is just exhausting.....
Ladies if you are young, put your focus on marriage and family, you will never, ever regret that, I can only tell you how many working and career minded women who feel that they lost out on a major part of life by listening to femininst and the attitudes of those who do not realize the significance of family in the society....
Ill health, many, many regrets and the lack of being a woman, and seeing children and grand children.
And the ability to enjoy your own home and cottage... even if having your own children is not possible it is possible to still live a very feminine life and be the woman that God intended.
My husband and I feel really strongly about what we would like for our daughter's future. She can choose whatever she likes, of course, but what we would like is either a religious vocation, marriage, or she may live with us at home for as long as she likes.
I have always (as far as I can remember) felt "unfit" for the workplace. I've always had bad luck getting and holding a job. I could usually last for about a year at the most before I would burn out and quit. Recently, I have been at my current job for a little over 2 years (new record!). It is a relativly stress-free job with lots of downtime. With the birth of our daughter in February, I have really begun to feel the stress of trying to do too many jobs at once; wife, mother, housekeeper and employee. I know of a lot of women who say their jobs are their chance to "get away" from the house, the kids, whatever. Personally, I find the housework and baby to be the /least/ stressfull parts of my day. What was hard was coming home, after only a 4 hour day, to a DD who was exhausted from not napping well at my mom's house so she would nap all afternoon and no time for me to spend with her, all the housework yet to do, and I'm wipped out and all I want to do is spend hours watching TV, reading, playing video games or zoneing out on the internet. Dinner was a chore, dishes were a chore, laundry was a nightmare. The only goal I've been able to consistantly keep is to always have the living room tidy when my husband gets home. I've recently been letting my hygine go in little ways, not showering/washing my hair everyday, forgetting to brush my teeth, not getting nearly enough sleep, not eating properly, etc.
Fortunatly there is a good ending to my story. August 10th is to be my last day of work. I'm coming home! I look forward to being able to take care of my daughter and not forcing her to conform to my work schedule instead of her being able to sleep when she's tired. She wakes at 6am and takes her first nap at 8am (roughly) which is exactly when I need to leave to get to work. Poor dear. Praise God this is almost over. Soon she'll be able to know what it's like to get enough sleep and not be tired most of the time. Plus, I'll be able to take care of myself, cooking good food to eat, having a cleaner house, getting plenty of good rest being able to work on my hobbies, and most importantly, being able to spend more time with the Lord.
Wow, this was really long! God Bless!
"I can only tell you how many working and career minded women who feel that they lost out on a major part of life "
If I do get married I hope I don't feel this way. I'd like to spend my single being productive and learning- not being discontent. I won't worry that I'm "not married by 25". I can't. I'd go crazy.
I think I differ here from many of you. I think marriage is more of a calling than a goal. If it doesn't happen it wasn't meant too.
Thank you for a beautiful post. And thank you for saying what you say in this world where we aren't supposed to think such things anymore. (How old fashioned!) Thank God I discovered that under my hip, modern exterior was an old fashioned mother and wife waiting to get out. I may not look like an housewife but I am, and I love it. What true peace.
Amen!
I have been a homemaker for all of the 25 years we have been married.
The blessings I have received for doing this have been innumerable. I have never felt unfulfilled in the role God has called me too.
I am grateful for those godly women who speak truth even when ridiculed for doing so. The rewards are much greater than just doing something because society
says it's what we should do.
It's more important in the end to do what God says we should do and this is the role He chose for women to fill. That is not just an opinion because it is what God's Word tells us we should be doing. We need to do it and learn to do it well.
To theodora elizabeth,
My daughter and I have both suffered with endometriosis and the best thing that helped us was pregnancy. Neither of us had trouble conceiving. Just look out for God's best for your life and trust Him to bring it to pass.
Dear Michele in Chicago,
Hello, I had endometriosis, in the intermediate stage. After a laparotomy, I conceived and carried 5 beautiful children to term. I was 29 with my first child, and 39 with my last. Hope that encouragages you. I will pray God sends the right man to you; you sound like a good, caring person. (BTW, my mother had her first child at 34 and me at 39, with her tipped uterus and all! And in terms of finding men, one of my best friends just got married this Spring - she is 56 years old). When I am in unhappy situations, I pray that God will either change the situation or cause me to love it just as it is.
Then I (try to) leave it up to Him.
Lady Lydia - do you have any advice for how to do this? I am a married, SAHM and have a 19 month old son. He is on a great schedule but it is very hard to home-make with him running, literally, around all day. He is literally under-foot! I find it hard to have time to make all these beautiful things, let alone go to the supermarket. Overall he is a wonderful child but at 19 months there is only so much I can expect from him. I honestly feel so overwhelmed sometimes that I question having more children. At most, I think I want one more. I am 30 in a few months and realize that I don't have forever (a scary thought!) but the life you describe onhere is so lovely sounding but sounds so un-achievable. Do you have any concrete, realistic steps I can take to have more of this lovely sounding life? I have the basics - blessed to be able to stay at home and have a nice house, but don't know how to make home such a lovely place. I'm a good house-cleaener, to a fault, even. But I was not trained to make home. I went to college and worked in a very competitive sales environment, and without sounding obnoxious, thrived in that environemnt. Coming from a male-dominated, highly competitive, lucrative field to the slower more simple pace of home has been alarming to say the least. Honestly, while I know it is best for my son for me to be here, a lot of times I miss the thrill and busyness of the fast-paced workworld. I miss dressing up and making a nice paycheck to be completely honest!
But anyways, if you have any tips I really would appreciate it. Even that book 'home comforts' - where might I get that? THanks!
-Grace
I think there were some articles at LAF about keeping house with children "underfoot" but i haven't had time to locate them.
Sometimes other children in the family make the first one less demanding, when they realize they are not the center of your universe!
As for getting things done, he should tag along with you, and you might be able to allow him some simple things to help. Take him with you to every room and keep an eye on him while you work. There are a lot of women who do it and I think a lot of other articles written on it that may be helpful. At 19 months he can learn to obey your spoken word, if you do so firmly and follow up with proof and don't make idle threats. You may take a day off for training.
Also you can still dress up and get a paycheck, in the home! I'm getting ready to post some ideas about it so that other young mothers can feel like they are dignified in the work of the home. I don't think anyone is prepared for the amount of work it entails, or the fact that it is constantly disintegrating and its back to the beginning...but there are long term values involved that make it necessary and important. I'll try to address this issue more in the future and I am sure there are many homemakers that can comment on this.
...you can also use your training of busyness in the working world, and translate it to the home. You claim the home is more relaxed, but in my home, it is not so, if we are trying to keep on top of things. For example, we never let a mess "sit" for a cleaning day. We never sit around. We multi-task. While something is in the dryer we do something else, and while something is cooking ont he stove we wash dishes or clean the area around it. While using the bathroom we may wipe the sink and pick up clutter. You can be just as efficient in the home as at work and it will bring great satisfaction.I am not saying we do this ALL the time--there are unforseen interruptions that you will have to adjust to such as the occasional sick day, or chldren's immediate needs, and urgent things that interrupt this. But for the most part, developing this routine of work is very important if you are to really get the most out of the home.
For those who left comments about my endometriosis, thank you for your prayers and suggestions. However, it is way too late to avoid surgery. I was diagnosed with Stage IV endo at 19 in 1988. I have had three laparoscopies (1988-exploratory, 1989-laser, 2004-exploratory) and one major abdominal surgery (2004). This last was seven hours, with two surgeons, including a colon-rectal surgery who almost had to do a colon resection (due to scar tissue on top of colon), but he was able to just slice it off the top. As it was, he had to spend 3.5 hours cleaning out and reconstructing the cul-de-sac between my cervix and rectum due to it being obliterated by scar tissue.
Even though my tubes are clear (they were tested in the 2004 surgery), my ovaries have been damaged due to all the scar tissue. It's agony when I ovulate. My cramps bring such pain that 1800 mg of ibruprofen is the only thing that brings relief (my kidneys/liver have been tested and are fine). I have tried multiple doctors over the years. I have been on the pill and lupron. I have tried natural remedies (progesterone).
My last doctor - a very alternative MD (as few pharmaceuticals as possible, home births, etc.) recently told me didn't like me poisoning myself with all the ibruprofen, but did not have an alternative. The pain is very bad. So, I have switched doctors to a previous one who is very good, a regular OB/GYN, who after having me go for an ultrasound (which is scheduled), I will go back on the pill. I have no choice, short of a hysterectomy, or taking codeine each month, which is not a good idea.
I did talk to my pastor. He is very anti-birth control (NFP OK), but realizes in some instances the pill might be called for (his own wife had severe endo, so he has some idea of what I'm going through), so he told me not to worry. I'm single, so there are no concerns about the abortifacient effect.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I wanted to give my story to those who had commented on it. Yes, I don't really want to go back on the pill, but I'm probably going into peri-menopause, and my cycle is chaotic and extremely difficult to deal with in daily life (I won't go into more detail than that).
Thank you again,
Michele
Hi Grace/Anonymous
I think it can be quite overwhelming having small children in the house and having little time for more creative pursuits! I have young children, so I can empathise. What's interesting is that you say you're an excellent house cleaner, which is great, but this may not be the time in your life to go for perfection in the home. With little ones it can rarely be done...and they get older so quickly, you'll have plenty of time very soon for decorating etc,etc.
For the time being why not slow down on the cleaning and do something you enjoy whilst he naps or plays quietly. Not something that causes a lot of mess, or needs tons of equipment, but something you can really get into! You could study up on a subject that really interests you, take up knitting or crochet or embroidery...or if you're business minded why not get together a business plan for a home business you may like to do when your baby is older, there's nothing like being prepared! Or, you could use the time to perfect a skill you already have.
If he's a really active little fellow why not take up gardening? If the garden is safe you can both work together. My children have always really like baking with me...when they were little they just played with the dough, but they enjoyed it nonetheless.
Oh, and here's another top tip for mums with active toddlers. Take him out for a proper run around in the park/playground for an hour a day, preferably in the morning. Tire him out in the fresh air and he'll be better for it.
Hang on in there and enjoy your babe. Many of us know how you feel!
As usual, you captured the truth in a simple, but profound way. Using the cottage as a metaphor for a happy home and family life is right on. I am a highly educated, successful career woman who finally realized that we women are getting ripped off by the current culture and the educational establishment who is brainwashing us into a life of hectic, unfulfilling work in stuffy cubicles working long, stressful hours to earn enough so that we can "relax" on a beach somewhere. Once you catch on to this and opt out, find a good and decent man to share your life with, and work together to create a home and family life that meets your needs and feeds your soul--that's when the happiness comes. I only wish that some of these women who get so worked up about this would take time to seriously reflect on what you and the rest of us are saying and think through it long enough to see that there must be truth to the message. Of course, they likely know that at some level, or they wouldn't feel so threatened. That's what causes the anger...good old fear.
Interesting point...fear. Come to think of it, much of the system outside of our faith is run by fear...the news media keeps everyone hyped up with the fear of the week, the disease of the week, the disaster of the week, and they repeat it over and over and over...a lot of advertising is based on fear...and much of the idea that one must go through the 12 plus years in the system of formal education, is based on fear. This indoctrination results in young women losing their fertility and sometimes their minds. There were schools young women could go to in the 19th century, but they weren't based on so much pressure and fear and responsiblity. Reading about them makes me think they were more the "delight learning" that Greg Harris spoke of. Young ladies could learn how to do something well and create things for their own families. To stray even further on this topic, in an antique store the owner told me just yesterday when I was admiring some of the crochet that it would be gone in just a few years as the women weren't making it any more. Some of it came from the 1800's and now it will all come from manufacturing. Women are so rushed and pressured they don't have time to leave anything like that to the next generation. What will future descendents remember about us? That we were a fast paced, racing generation more interested in accumulated things and entertainment, going after our own fulfillment, or a sacrificing people who left something that will really be valued?
Thank you for your bravery and dedication to keeping the truth out there with your posts. I love reading this blog, it's comforting to have a place to go to where I know that there will be some support for what I've chosen to do with my life.
Keep up the good work!
Amen, amen!!! I loved this article. I think I shall have to print it for my file of encouraging 'things'!
What a beautiful way of saying everything that I feel so deeply. As a young wife and soon-to-be mommy of two (spaced by God's design 20 months apart) I find myself so content and full of joy.
Our little family manages quite well on a single income, and we are much happier and less stressed than everyone else we know who is putting off children to get ahead and have dual incomes.
Yet, of course, because we are relativly 'young' parents in our mid twenties we are supposed to be the harried ones and are the object of pity!
Thank you for a delightful post!
LadyLydiaSpeaks said...
For some reason this post and another one on Victorian lifestyles attracted a few psychology students and some practicing psychologists. I didn't post their comments because their belief system and their advice was contrary to our values of having a good home life, honoring our parents and grandparents--and the values of our forefathers, and such counsellors never emphasised the importance of beauty and duty and order in our lives.
However, I am now thinking that such people may have been sent here for a reason: Maybe they can answer some bothersome questions for us, since some of them claimed through emails that they are upset with my logic. Here are the questions:
Why are so many women returning to the home?
Why are fathers getting more concerned about the immodesty in young women?
What were some of the beliefs of Karl Marx that led to women leaving their children to go to work?
Why do so many young adults NOT want their children in daycares?
Why is there an increase in homeschooling?
Why is there so little choice in fashion for women, and why are are the fashions so immodest and dull in color and print?
Why are so many people wanting to eat organic foods and why does there seem to be a greater interest in moving to a quiet place and raising the family in peace?
What psychological effect does a little cottage, a good husband who will provide, and taking care of a family at home, without having to endure the pressure of working outside the home, have on a woman?
why are people concerned about, and wanting to, return to classical education?
If you are going to lurk here, you might as well use your knowledge and be of some use.
Ladies you are also welcome to post questions to these experts.
Here in Virginia, the current governor is pushing for state-run public school for 4 year olds. He says that too many children are "falling behind in kindergarten" (at this point I almost fell behind the table) and probably will fall behind for the rest of their lives because of it. He held meetings with parents and others who are all pretty much clamoring for this. A comment from a young mother (in the military, I think) was something like: "I really want my (3 or 4 year old) child to spend his day being taught and learning something instead of just being allowed to play all day". My breakfast soured in my stomach as I read that.
I'd like to ask psychologists why people no longer have enough common sense to know that a child that young learns by playing, by interacting with mama and daddy and the natural world around him? By "helping" around the house and yard? And that penning them up like cattle and indoctrinating them and forcing them to do things that are not developmentally appropriate is cruel and inhumane.
Of course the answer is, that a generation or so ago, someone made us women think we were receiving a raw deal by being allowed to stay home and raise our own children. That the only right thing to do now is to join the military or sit in an office cubicle, to produce wealth for our families. So of course the little ones have to be packed off to some other place to spend their days. So now the mothers, who probably feel a subconscious tinge of malaise about not being there all day with their children, have decided that the kids should put their time away from home to a use that can be justified by the current society. Now the 3 and 4 year olds are to be forced to produce, produce, produce: their abc's, arithmetic, worksheet pages for the fridge, and on and on.
Much prayer is needed.
In this article http://savethehome.blogspot.com/2007/06/enjoying-every-bit-of-his-cute-little.html I wrote:
The reason that being in a hurry is disturbing to children is that they need lots of time. Their little minds need quiet and peace so they can think, and take in everything. In this hurry up world, our children are losing their minds before they are even developed. They are overwhelmed with activity. They are overwhelmed with information. They are overwhelmed with change. They are overwhelmed with uncertainty. All of these things could be solved if the mothers would stay home with their children, and even more, if they would not send them to schools at an early age, but educated them at home.
Making A Man
Hurry the baby as fast as you can,
Hurry him, worry him, make him a man.
Off with his baby clothes, get him in pants,
Feed him on brain foods and make him advance.
Hustle him, soon as he's able to walk,
Into a grammar school; cram him with talk.
Fill his poor head full of figures and facts,
Keep on a-jamming them in till it cracks.
Once boys grew up at a rational rate,
Now we develop a man while you wait,
Rush him through college, compel him to grab
Of every known subject a dip and a dab.
Get him in business and after the cash,
All by the time he can grow a mustache.
Let him forget he was ever a boy,
Make gold his god and its jingle his joy.
Keep him a-hustling and clear out of breath,
Until he wins--nervous prostration and death.
---Nixon Waterman
We are going to suffer untold misery when the children who are rushed and not allowed to play in childhood, reach adulthood. Maybe we already have seen the tragic results--kids without purpose, kids without love in their lives--kids who never grow up, and kids who have never had a home life, but were brought up by the State.
The question is: to the "professionals" and "experts" really care about what makes a family strong, what makes a marriage last, and what makes young people well adjusted, or are they prolonging the problems so that will continue to have a job? As long as people get more and more troubled, they are in business. I think they should honestly try to work themselves out of a job.
Another question I have is what makes long marriages and what causes divorce and how has divorce hurt children?
Here's one for the "experts":
Why is it that young adults are now referred to as "adultescents" and prolong behaviour that would be appropriate to a fifteen year old well into their twenties and even into their thirties? Do the "experts" believe this is a healthy trend, and if so, why?
Such a true bit of writing. Just a handful of generations ago, a girl my age would likely be arranging a marriage, not arranging scholarships. I myself have been giving a lot of thought to college and my future. I've decided to go to the local junior college for classes and continue living at home, and to attend an art school after that. I feel that even if the math and science and algebra you learn doesn't apply to homemaking, there's several skills one can learn in college that perhaps was never taught to her at home; keeping home on a budget, managing finances, and the social science classes can be invaluable.
God Bless,
Machelle
Dear Lady Lydia,
Your article inspired me to write and tell a bit about how stressful my life was in college. I just posted about it on my blog, and I'm going to write more. I feel it's very important to talk about this!
Dear Lady Lydia,
Thank you so much for your courage in writing these things. The "experts" always pretend to have all the answers but their own personal lives rarely live up to their glorified ideals. I have a college degree in Fine Arts. I also work as a professional portrait painter from my home as I raise my four children. The only reason I have a degree is because I wanted to be an artist and my father told me that I must go to a regular university instead of an art school. The only reason an artist needs a degree from a university is to teach in an institution. I learned a little bit about art and a lot about humanism and feminism and hatred toward the "Judeo-Christian" lifestyle. (I heard that term used quite a bit, always with a sneer.) Thank God, I was raised by true Christians who taught be to see through their lies.
The "social science" classes were the worst. I have a minor in psychology so I do know what I am talking about. My one "social science" class professor bragged to us that he gets to claim his pornography magazines as a tax deduction because he is "studying" our societal habits. Believe me, I suffered through a lot of trash teaching just to get that degree that really doesn't mean a whole lot in the scheme of things.
I am a good artist and I proud of what I do. But most of what I have learned about art was learned outside of college. I had to "unlearn" a lot of stuff in order to actually become a successful artist and human being. My greatest joy and priority is being a wife and a mother. Everything else is vanity.
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, especiallyt the one that mentioned she was going to college to learn skills needed for the home, but the truth needs to be told about that.
Whatever you take in college, even math or architecture or something as seemingly plain an innocent as budgeting, has been corrupted by theory. Keynesian economics has invaded business courses, and deconstructionism (used in post-modern archicheture and in other subjects to deconstruct meaning and standards see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deconstruction)
and
modernism ( a term meaning liberalism) and has entered every course from design to art and even fashion.
You will study things that are unrealatd to your courses and you will think you just aren't bright enough to understand them, but they are designed to subject you to socialistic theories and other theories. I would suggest if you want to learn about economics to go to your check book and bank statement and learn to do a bank reconciliation statement. Then you can obtain a book from ABecka called "Economics: Work and Prosperity," (https://www.abeka.com/ABekaOnline/BookDescription.aspx?sbn=61263) and study it before going to college. In this book, and an older one called "American Government and Economics" by ABeka, will give you an insight into why the socialistic economics fails, and what tactics are being used to deconstruct Biblical economics. If you go to college to learn something you honestly think will benefit the home, you might be sadly disappointed and end up spending an awful lot of money. What is the big secret about learning and education that one must pay $60,000 and to enter behind closed doors and hear someone lecture about it? What is the big secret that cannot be learned elsewhere at a lower cost? The college system is also a big economic system which needs your money to keep its system going. Meanwhile you are immersed in an atmosphere that will attact your very basis of belief, constantly through the courses or through the students and the activities that are required. Even if it is "just math" it has been politicized and changed to include philosophy of this age and you might not even come out knowing how to balance a budget. Why does it take so long--sometimes a whole year, to learn economics? Because that system of learning is designed to keep you in there and keep you paying and immerse you in the culture in the meantime. Anyone can learn if they want to, and even find a tutor they like. The only reason people think they have to go to those institutions is that they are convinced that only a college will make them qualified for a degree or a job or a future. It was not true prior to the 20th century, and many people are proving that knowledge and skill can be acquired outside of college. I took art and instead of them starting with ancient art, they started with modern art. Now most books start logically at a beginning, such as a history or math book, or even a science book, showing the basic beginnings of something or the basic elements of something. Not so with art and architecture: ---those courses begin with the modern philosophy and the modern people, and work backwords to the ancient, barely giving the traditional or ancient styles any study, compared to the modern. By the time you are finished you are already prejudiced and even have a hatred of the subject, so that you never really learn about the traditionalist art or archetecture. I could go on and on about these sneaky and deliberately faulty ways of teaching, but time doesn't permit right now. Something ought to do something. In ancient times, students would hire the teacher they wanted, and when they finished with him would fire him and hire someone else to see what they could learn from that person. Now the teachers have tenure and you are stuck with their prejudices and beliefs. You have to ask yourself if you want to pay someone to make you miserable and if you want to literally lose your life during that period of time, just to cram your head full of their required stuff. Why not choose your own and find things that will really teach you. You'll learn a lot better and faster without being force fed.
Also be sure to go look at Anna's Musings, concerning college.
i came across this saying not to long ago and it made an impact on me." THE WAY TO GET RICH IS NOT TO INCREASE YOUR INCOME, BUT TO DIMINISH YOUR DESIRES." something to think about.
I have read Anna's Musings on the subject. Her writings are a favorite of mine.
My reasons for going to college aren't to get a degree or because i think I don't have any other options. The thing about my situation is, where I live, there really aren't any other options for mentoring or private learning. Not for nearly 100 miles away from where I live. My mother isn't going to teach me financing or much of anything that I feel will be something practical to use in my future (she isn't exactly thrilled about the choices I've made for myself regarding homemaking)
I have 2 older brothers and an older sister who dropped out of high school and never took any steps to continue themselves in any way, be it education or life itself, and my father has disowned all 3 of them. I'd rather I not make 4.
God Bless,
Machelle
Excuse me, I hope I didn't come across as rude in my last comment. If I did, I apologize.
I would prefer not to "have" to attend college, even the junior college nearby, but in the current situation of my location and family, I am hard up to find many options. I would be very grateful for any advice you cold give.
God Bless,
Machelle
Just trying to say that although the sound of those subjects sounds "practical" in the end, they really don't deliver what they promise and you'll still have to find a way to learn what you went there in the first place to learn. It is because, even in economics and finance, a type of philosophy is taught that just doesn't work in the home. Mainly it is based on debt.
what can you suggest, then, to someone who may not have the best of resources available?
I have just discovered your blog and I find it a wonderful, blessed breath of fresh air! I am 25, married and I work full time as a nurse, no children yet. I wish I could stay home full time and start having babies! Most people think I am crazy when I say this but it is so true. Unfortunately I have to work right now because my husband is in law school and I am supporting us until he is done. I wish we could have children now. He wants to wait until he is done with school though and is terrified about what our financial situation would be if we had children now. I love him very much and I am proud to be putting him through school but my hearts deepest desire is to have children and be a housewife.
College can be a good choice, but you must be careful and go in with your eyes wide open and do not believe everything that you are forced to hear. If I were interested in a certain field of study right now. I would try to find someone, preferably a Godly minded person, that is now involved in that field and ask them what would be the best way to arrive at my goal.
It may be that they know a short cut that may not necessarily include college. If college is necessary make sure that you use good judgement in the courses you take. Women's study courses is usually another name for feminist courses. Just remember Man's wisdom is far below God's wisdom. If it doesn't agree with the Bible, the Bible is true and all others false.
Homeschool web sites and Homeschool magazines have a lot of good advice about college survival for young people. I would suggest checking some of them out.
Marriage doesn't always happen right away for all of us. And many young people do not have protective or loving families to depend upon for survival. They must work outside of the home until they can find a life partner and fulfill their goal as loving helpmeet.
A friend recommended that I read this entry, because it is so much like the things I post about all the time. I am a 40something woman who spent the the past 12 years running around, mostly doing church work. I had been told that taking care of my home wasn't really doing God's work, that I needed to have a ministry. As I got more involved in church ministry and left my home more and more, I grew more and more depressed. Actually, that is a mild word. I was miserable....and very unhealthy. It was not until my heart came home 2 years ago that my health and my joy returned. I have written an article for Above Rubies, and I blog about this same thing constantly...namely, that women really DO want to be home, doing home-minded things. That is the way God created us, and although we are capable of doing other things, there is sort of an emptyness about all of that. Our hearts are yearning to be at home, doing those timeless things. I truly believe that the cozy cottage IS exactly what women want!!
I'd love to have you stop by my blog if you would like. It is www.homesteadblogger.com/joyfulmotherhood.
Thanks,
Patti
I have been a stay at home wife/mom for almost six years. I have a 4 year old son, he will be turning five soon. I plan to homeschool kindergarden this year. My husband is wanting me to get my degree because he doesn't feel that I am qualified to homeschool our son. He also has said he is tired of being the only one who brings home the money. So, I signed up for online classes for the fall. If anyone has any suggestions for me they would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
This is for Anonymous who wants to homeschool.
Here's a collection of articles on home schooling that may be helpful. I like especially the one on how much time it actually takes a child to learn:
http://www.mykidsdeservebetter.com/homeschooling/
I was homeschooled, got my GED and homeschool my children. I believe I am better read on many subjects than many college grads and I know how to educate myself on any subject that interests me. My second son actually began, at age 5, to read without me formally teaching it to him. I did teach him letters and their sounds.
If you can read write and do basic math you are certaily qualified to teach a kindergardener. I've gotten up to the 7th grade now and the only subject that is getting hard for me is math. I intend to enlist my husband to teach that subject.
The "system" certainly encourages the belief that teaching children is an exact science that requires a certain education and expertise. However, looking at the average results of "their way" this can't be true.
Jasmin
I have been reading your blog for a while now, and it makes me so sad that so many people feel that getting a husband is an easy, almost automatic action. I am in my early 40s and have yearned for a husband and children for over 20 years. Through no fault of my own I am in a very single situation, although have many wonderful single and married friends. This has been such a disappointment, and even more so when I read so many American blogs which lead one to believe that a man will come along to everyone. I am a true homemaker to the very core and adore children. Why has my prayer not been answered?
Thank you for these lovely articles. After college, I chose to settle down and become a wife and mom-- "just" a wife, mom, home educator, heart of the home. I have an absolutely lovely home, wonderful children, the hope of more children, a strong, handsome and wonderful husband. I am the shame of my feminist mother. I watched her misery first hand through my childhood-- nothing ever satisfied her-- not her big career, not seeing her children raised by others, not her fancy car. Yet now she is disappointed by seeing the happy, peaceful life I lead. She can't understand why I didn't choose to emulate her.
My question for the "experts" is why are institutions such bad places for orphans (orphanages) that they had to be put in family situations (foster care), yet institutions are considered good places for infants and toddlers (daycare/school)?
good point. The home always does a better job with children than any institution. It was created by God specifically for the care of the family. In the news you will be hearing more and more stories of how the home has failed, but do not believe them. If you look further, you will discover that people in the home spent more time in institutional living (daycares, schools, colleges, etc) than in the home. The next tactic of so called Progressives, in trying to destroy the home as God would have it, is to try and dig up some dirt on a homeschool family or a Christian family, to show that institutionalism would have been better. The news reports have an agenda, as they bury some stories and sensationalize others.
My beloved and lovely wife is of like mind as you, my dear Lady Lydia. What surprises me is how many of the women who likewise agree with you are anonymous. It says a great deal about our society's purported "tolerance" of "individuality" and "diversity" that they do not identify themselves, and how many say you are courageous for speaking your beliefs.
I am a Christian and a feminist, and as such I support women's freedom to choose their own path in life. If you want to be an unpaid servant - aka housewife - then so be it, but stop criticizing college education and career-oriented women. Why is college education beneficial for men but not for women? What disturbes me most about your way of thinking is that men are allowed to have a career, work outside the house, while women should work like slaves to make " a home" and do everything for their lord and master. I have a university education, I'm at the beginning of a fulfilling career and like my mother, my friends and countless other intelligent women around the world, I am able to have both a family and a succesful job. I'm not a doormat and no real man would want a servant for a wife. Thank God, even men have evolved and most of them no longer want a submissive, brainwashed wife, but a strong, intelligent partner. Another question: how about women who are not made to be housewives? For instance, I hate cooking, and all the other boring stuff you enjoy so much. We can afford a cleaning lady and eating out. Why should I spend my time doing things I hate? My friends and I have been reading your blog for some time and we're really shocked that women living in the XXIst century can have such an attitude. My mom thinks you're in fact men writing under women 's names and I 'm starting to believe her.
On the other hand, why would I spend my life doing something I do not like, nor find any point in, nor feel a strong purpose in, which does not serve my family? Would you say that it is my choice and my right to be a full time homemaker and manager of the family finances? Isn't feminism all about choice? Would you deny women the choice of being home? Why is it that such a choice is not presented to them on career day at schools? Why isn't such an opportunity given to young women? Is being a wife, mother, homemaker, grandmother, or even a widow a home not a choice? And how much do you know about it, anyway? Ever had children and been home with them because they were too sick to go to daycare, or look after a home when the finances ran out and you could no longer afford maid service? And what about the maid herself? Is her life demeaning because you hired her? Aren't you contributing to that choiceless, supposedly uneducated and unintelligent type of career by hiring her? And what about food preparation? Someone grows that food, prepares it, and serves it to you. Are they less worthy than you because they chose to do that? Is not the homemaker someone who grows and prepares her own food and serves it to her family? What is so demeaning about that, if she chooses to that?
Have you read the article on this site called "A Matter of Good Housekeeping?"
I would ask others to please choose some aspect(s) of this post and carefully write about it. (Don't eat the whole bale of hay, if you know what I mean.) Your comments are appreciated.
Dear Miss Anonymous,
There is rarely a post from a feminist who bears a name or a blog,for some reason.
Regarding your comment, that it isn't "fair" that men go to college and get a career: That is really funny, because it is the Marxist twist on something to promote envy.
Whenever socialists want society to change, particularly the family structure, they create envy by carefully choosing and rearranging words.
Something that is perfectly normal and legitimate, even legal, becomes "unfair" just by re-phrasing it. Karl Marx, the father of modern communism, lived in the 1800's when women, for the most part, were at home, unless they were forced, through poverty, to go to the work houses or factories. Factory work and office work were not available to everyone in every town.
Marx himself left his own wife and children and refused to work to support them, choosing instead to spend his time at University with his friend, Engles. While his wife and children lived in squalor (two of his children died in infancy, and one committed suicide)--he was busy writing the Communist Manifesto, and other writings, in which he said that women "did not contribute" anything to the world by being home. He claimed that being out in the factories was better and that it contributed something. All he did was twist words to make it sound "unfair" that they were not "contributing."
It is no wonder Marx wrote that the state should take care of women and children, because he was such a dolt of a man that he refused to look after his own wife and children.
By the same twist of words, men could say that it "isn't fair" that women get to have babies and be homemakers. It isn't "fair" that they "get" to iron their husband's shirts and clean a closet or cook a meal, while they
"have" to work all day.
Many men work hard, in construction, around terrible people who swear all the time and under-cut and undermine each other. The politics at work make it a formidable place to some of the ones who work very very hard. They could decide it wasn't "fair" that women didn't "have to work" and decide to liberate themselves and stay home, instead.Then, they could send the women to work while they did the laundry, washed the floors, grocery shopped, prepared meals, and balanced the family budget, paid the bills, etc.
It is not just a matter of choice, dear feminist, it is also a matter of the choice of words.
Thus, the matter of having to study many years at a university in order to become an architect becomes a point of envy, even when the architect has to fight for one of the few positions available for his line of work. It isn't "fair" that he "gets" to do that, while the wife "has" to stay home. He could very well think the opposite!
It is not just a matter of choice of career, but it is a matter of envy, as you so clearly put in your post. It isn't fair. Well that is the by-phrase of the century. When you want a certain segment of society to protest or riot, just present something as "not fair." Truly there are many things not fair, that really DO require some kind of protest, but one day after women have forgotten that their sex in general were once so highly prized that men protected them and spared them the strain of earning a living "by the sweat of their brow", they will decide that it "isn't fair" that they have to go to work every day and provide a living. They will decide it "isn't fair" that they cannot stay home and teach their own children. They will decide it "isn't fair" that they cannot take care of their own houses. They will decide that choices like no-fault divorce really isn't "fair."
You aren't an "unpaid servant" as a homemaker. You are queen of the house. YOu control the family economy by the way you spend or don't spend, and by the way you look after things, by the way you guard your posessions and your home. You love your husband and children so you want to take care of them. Every wise woman "builds her house," but a foolish one tears it down. Building a house means you establish your borders and your territory and your culture in the home. You make it your own and you raise your own family. Jesus said that the greatest among you will be a servant. He himself came to serve. It is not doing something for nothing, for the rewards include prosperity but go beyond that. It may take your living a little longer before you can understand this. A lot of this comes from experience rather than knowledge.
House keeping is not "drudgery."
Being a homemaker does not mean you are uneducated.
Being at home does not mean you are too poor to get a good job.
What about the women who had that great education, a high paying job, and then decided it was not worth it, and not as meaningful or fulfilling as homemaking?
hAVING AN EDUCATION OR LACK OF AN EDUCATION HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING A HOMEMAKER. yoU CAN BE HIGHLY EDUCATED AND STILL BE A HOMEMAKER AND YOU CAN HAVE NO EDUCATION AND STILL CHOOSE TO BE A HOMEMAKER.
bEING WIFE, MOTHER AND HOMEMAKER HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MONEY, CLASS, EDUCATION, OR RIGHTS. iT IS BORNE FROM A CONVICTION THAT gOD MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE AND DESTINCT ROLE FOR EACH.
bEING A WIFE MOTHER AND HOMEMAKER HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH EDUCATION. iN FACT, WHEN YOU BECOME ONE, YOU FIND YOUR EDUCATION ISN'T ENOUGH!! iT DOESN'T COVER THE THINGS YOU WILL NEED TO KNOW.
moNEY: aLL YOU FEMS TALK ABOUT IS MONEY. jUST BECAUSE A WOMAN IS NOT EDUCATED DOES NOT MEAN SHE HAS TO BE A HOUSEKEEPER FOR A LIVING. lOTS OF DEGREED PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE BEING MAIDS AND BUTLERS MUCH BETTER THAN BEING ON WALL STREET, EVEN IF THEY ARE QUALIFIED.
yOUR FRAME OF REFERENCE IS NOT GOOD RESEARCH. yOU NEED TO INTERVIEW A LOT MORE HOMEMAKERS AND FIND OUT WHY THEY ARE HOME. i CAME FROM A COMMUNIST COUNTRY TOO AND mARXISM IS THE FATHER OF FEMINISM. cHECK YOUR STUDIES A LITTLE BETTER.
I would kindly point out that having a career does not guarantee financial security. Many companies have gone bankrupt because of lack of production, strikes, lawsuits, bad management, lack of demand for the product, or government interference.
Regarding independent living. Some people don't want independent living. They like the interdependence between husband wife. The wife takes care of him and he takes care of her, each in their own way. You may talk "independence," but you are dependent on a job, are you not?
There most definitely is a Marxist connection to Feminism. You might check out Save the Males dot com and go here http://www.savethemales.ca/its_ok_to_be_a_woman.html which is one of many many articles that show the connection. There also have been some good articles on the Marxist connection in Feminism on LAF if you care to google them on that site. There is no question about it.
You didn't answer my questions. I'll repeat them once again:
1. why do you and others consider that it is perfectly all right for men to go to university and have a job, but on the contrary, women who do the same are missing out on everything important and at the same time, commiting a grave sin by evading their "proper sphere"
2. What do you expect women who have no talent for household duties and no wish of being housewives to do?
And finally, a great quote by writer Erica Jong. It applies perfectly to submissive wives.
“Women are the only exploited group in history to have been idealized into powerlessness"
It is marriage, home and family which really provides "true wealth" of love and emotional security later on. Jobs can never be stable or forever. Families are forever.
a reference to erica jong.
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1416438/posts
She is just another feminist. She is not God.
When it's all said and done: it is the humans in our lives that are important. My husband and I work together to nurture our children and bond our family together in order to give them a solid, loving, strong, and Christian foundation so that they might have life more abundantly.
WE do our best to live our life the way the Bible instructs. It is the only proven way of success. We have been married 21 1/2 years and we love each other more than when we first married. Our children are very well adjusted. They attend public school and every single day there is one or two students BEGGING them to come home with them. If I allowed it they would move in. Why? Why do they want to come and stay in our home? If the modern life is so glamorous and fulfilling, why do those young fledgling people desire so much to be among the people who are still living the way the Bible instructs?
The reason is plain to me. There is a warm and welcoming environment to come home to. A Mother who is actually concerned about the children and their friends. A extremely hard working Dad that is never to busy to help sons and their friends with school projects or Bible studies.
I am an educated woman and could be working outside of my home making big bucks. But, NOTHING is as valuable as my children and their wellbeing. I will not indulge my selfish desires and ignore their needs.
In my opinion, that is the very reason we have so many school shootings. Neglected young people and neglected children. Mrs. Baby Boomer, your babies just may boom you.
Thank you, Lady Lydia. I love you and appreciate your courage.
You are right about the violent children. MOthers need to be available to the children, at home. I remember at age 17 how much more I needed my mother and father, not less. It was a time when the world was giving different messages, luring young people to rebel, to be "free" and then enslaving them in debt and in obligations and relationships that actually made life worse for them. The teens need their mothers at home, too.
For more answers to your questions, please go to the current article www.homeliving.blogspot.com called "The Better Part."
maven, that is a good point about children and families vs. institutions. It reminds me of the site http://www.daycaresdontcare.org/
Why on earth would the "feminist" and her friends be "reading your blog for some time" if she feels so sure of her stand in life? sounds like she's doubting herself to me... and there's nothing wrong there.
I think I used to be a feminist too. I "think" because I never really gave it a thought. I just took in what I was told was the right thing to do. I went away to the best college in my country for an engineering degree.
I wouldn't say it was a waste, since I met my husband there. But I agree I could've learned everything on my own if I really wanted to. I'm specially glad that I'm not in debt, since I got a full scholarship. And I had to wait those years anyway for my husband to graduate to get married since we were the same age. So it wasn't a complete waste, LOL.
We got married a year after college. Since graduation I went to work for a big company, and I still have nightmares of going back to those times, for real! So much pressure, so much politics, plotting, backstabbing, long hours, injustice, exhaustion. But I just couldn't quit. What would other people say?
When we had been married for 3 months, my husband got an assignment from work and had to leave to Spain for several months. I had to "choose" between my career and my husband. I was so happy to be given an alibi! And so I left with him towards happiness, and would you believe that my "friends" at work thought I was making a mistake?? I mean, I knew they were all unhappy there too, so how could they not see it?
My other set of friends from childhood cannot believe I have decided to be a homemaker. They say "But you have always taken the right choices and been the wise one.." Well, I tell them "Then you just have to believe me on this one... we'll see in 15 years when we're 40 who was right.." =)
I'm what many would call a liberal/feminist sort but I could not agree more with you.I am not the wifely/motherly type and I can see how the lifestyle of home may not suit some women like me,but it suits MOST if not many and has done so for thousands of years.I do believe it is what women want right at the core.That we have so willfully thrown it all away for careers and in order to buy more and more endless rubbish that ends up in the garage I will never know.Meanwhile most children are raised by strangers and it shows in our society.I'm sure I would have prefered to live in a comfortable home as a governess than spend my life building some career and paying off some souless expensive apartment.
Katie, from the earliest times, there were always women who were not wives and mothers, but they were in the minority. That is the way it should be. Someone decided that the career woman ought to be in the majority,and sent us all to the office. While the first generation could see the latchkey kids and the juvenile deliquent results, the next generation and the next generation after that thought it was "normal" and found nothing wrong with it. THey could not "see" the results of the neglect of the home. And you are right about the junk. Who needs it? Taking care of a little garden seems more "free" with all the fresh air and sunshine, than being locked up in the workplace all day. Women have been told that to be employed all their lives is better than being in charge of a home and family and making it great.
To the feminist "christian" who apparently finds "servant" work demeaning: What you seem to be saying is that one should not be required or expected to do anything they hate. Just because you hate something doesn't mean you shouldn't be doing it. Think about it.
If you're a christian, please explain Proverbs 31 for me. I am not married, nor a mother, but I know better than to speak against a calling as high and sacred as it is. I hope one day you'll be able to look at the role of a stay at home mom/wife for the privilege and honor that it is, instead of drudgery. I also find it sad that a fellow christian would speak this way towards their fellow believers who are doing such an amazing work. And on second thought, don't bother explaining Proverbs 31 to me. It is self explanatory.
To LadyLydia; keep up the good work!
The Feminist-Christian was a young woman in Romania, a country that supposedly threw off communism. However, it stands to reason that communist attitudes are so imbedded in the minds of some people that though their country be free of it, some of the people are not. You can take people out of communism but sometimes you cant take communism out of people.
Dear Mrs. Sherman,
I love this article. It helps me when I am feeling depressed, and almost always cheers me up again. It reminds me that I am not crazy for hoping for the things I hope for and that the dreams I have are indeed beautiful. Thank you so much for having the courage to say what no one else seems to want to admit!
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